This year, we aren’t shining a spotlight on the brilliant women in our community or suggesting how allies can ‘make room’ to uplift and recognise women. Instead, we’re offering a cathartic scream into the void that is the gender gap.
The pay gap. The opportunity gap. The messaging gap. The orgasm gap. The equity gap. The gap that widens more with intersectional experiences (queer, disabled and BIPOC women), at the hand of systemic oppression. So, join us for a double-scoop of sarcasm, satire and ‘shrill screeching’ from your favourite pleasure banshees; because protest and puff-pieces will only get you so far.
It’s another IWD in so-called Australia.
The starting gun fires-off the first scheduled PR stunts for the day; our electoral representatives visiting women at-work and ‘in the wild’. Shirts tucked-in, nice and tight, like a well dressed five-year old (freshly pressed by their wives – or more likely, their mothers), the delegates grin big, hands posed for the cameras to show just how immersed they are in ‘women's issues’. “Personally I think all women are beautiful”, one out-of-touch senator professes, to a woman who is clearly regretful about showing up for the day. Simultaneously, in a not too distant Canberra office, their corresponding political party has once again failed to factor-in ‘women’s issues’ in the agenda with any remotely meaningful legislative change in any of our working lives for literal fucking decades. But, don’t worry, they have the largest cohort of women who have ever served in an Australian cabinet, so the girl bosses are girl-bossing. Girl power.
Meanwhile, we pan across to the CBD where atop a corporate ivory tower, this year’s elected IWD team have put on a lunch not to be missed! Their logo reformatted to a sparkly purple, specifically for the occasion. With annual salaries among the all-cisgendered, male board members exceeding digits us ‘ladies’ will never see in our forecasted waged lifetime, they somehow couldn’t find the pocket change to pay for any of the day’s invited speakers.
On this occasion, they will not be offering any actual pay for labour. Instead, they are extending a seat at the table, where a stale selection of cucumber or roast beef finger sandwiches – not actual decision making – awaits. Fear not, if our exhausted advocates choose to say ‘no’ to this gig, there will be at least another ten cues for unpaid labour demanding attention in their emails.
Sensing a certain sarcasm in our words? Or perhaps you’re detecting a notorious, banshee-like shrill in our ‘whining’ about equal opportunity, again?
It’s not just that pesky 19% gender pay gap that all the hens are currently hollering about, it’s the whole damn kitchen sink! In the so-few eloquent words of Matt Canavan, Senator for The Nationals, “this ‘kicking and screaming’ is just a ‘recruitment drive for Andrew Tate’” . Ahh yes, it’s the women who are driving the aggressive, self-identifying GI Joe’s into Tate’s testos-steroid-loaded arms.
It’s so simple. It’s the woeful womens’ fault that, once over the age of 55, they are experiencing homelessness at a terrifyingly increasing rate; still skipping meals to feed, dress, and care for their families. Of course, it’s the womens’ fault that they both perform the most amount of work in the country (a majority of it undervalued and unpaid labour), and are still overrepresented as the primary caregivers, even if they are also the household breadwinners. ( The WGEA Status of Women’s Report Card 2023 .)
What a snore fest, to hear about all of these under-researched and under-diagnosed health concerns experienced by vulva, cervix, vagina or hormonally-dependent body owners! Prolific and chronic pain dismissed, urgent need for accessible and improved sexual and reproductive healthcare and cancer treatment denied; but ‘the broads’ simply won’t shut up and take it with a stiff upper lip. For shame.
It makes so much sense. It’s the entire population of skirts, the indigenous, black, brown, disabled and queer women, who put themselves in harm's way of unrelenting systemic violence; simultaneously being the most incarcerated and most violated, if not murdered, at the very hands of the system – all while probably wearing a questionably provocative outfit.
But, of course. It’s the victims’ fault that the patriarchy is ravenous and foaming at the mouth to keep that thumb pressed down, strangling (sometimes, literally) any chance of dismantling systemic power in this violently misogynistic world. If only women would just quit being such darn bitches in a society made up of such civilised boys and swallow the spoonful of ‘fairness’ they’re being fed. A world, where no matter what women do, is still entirely designed, manufactured, politicised and legislated for us ‘chickybabes’ to bow down to the square-toed Tarocash loafers of the patriarchy for a smooch.
But, you know, it’s exactly this – if they see us as ‘the problem’, then we intend to carry out our jobs with proficiency.
A loud, unrelenting and unapologetic problem. An agonising ovarian-cyst-denied-the-required-legitimate-medical-procedures-and-sent-home-with-sedatives-kind-of-problem. A ‘60+ women killed in the last year alone’ kind of problem. Despite how deeply exhausted, grief-stricken, and at times so bored of talking about the same shit over and over, we won’t stop holding those responsible, accountable; making sure they never get a moment’s rest, knowing that we are their nightmare.
In the workplace, on the streets, in our homes, communities, online and at parliament’s steps, we will be steadfast – goin’ bloody nowhere – making sure that we are a huge problem for them.
So, today’s the day. We groan at another year’s slogan ( ‘Count her in: Invest in Women. Accelerate Progress’ , for those playing at home) that makes you go, “who the fuck signed-off on this?”; muting notifications for the day to avoid an ocean of offensively pink ‘slay queen’ marketing comms that come crashing towards us.
Today, we pause for an annual moment of remembrance of loved ones and comrades worldwide who tirelessly fought for a better future for all of us, or were robbed of a full life because of how they identified on the gender spectrum. We put on our gloves, return to the ring and we fight, because we have to.
We first started this blog with a collective exhausted sigh, resentfully typing out the sentence “Is being a woman getting any easier?”. But, we’ve never started from a point of ease in the first place. The gap begins in utero. Talk about a problem, amirite?
This is a public statement to communicate where Passionfruit stands on the undoubtable genocide and Israel’s ongoing oppression towards the people of Palestine. And that despite the loaded rhetoric surrounding this issue, we will not stand for the colonisation and decimation of Palestinians.
Immense privilege has informed our silence over the last 100+ days. We aren’t proud of it, and we don’t use it as an excuse, but as recognition of our delay in a public stance of solidarity. We have been generously given the opportunity to provide clarity on our position from members within our community, and it is our responsibility to meet this generosity with an apology, accountability and action. In short, we’re here to do better.
We stand with the people of Palestine, the oppressed communities who have been systemically, strategically and mercilessly exiled from traditional lands, for the last four months – and for almost a century.
Passionfruit customers and people within our community have a right to know who they’re investing in. As a business that aims to foster constructive conversations about issues concerning human rights, justice and autonomy, we felt that it was our responsibility to make our solidarity known.
Connection, vulnerability and possibility, curiosity, compassion and collaboration. These values inform our partnerships, the voices we platform and the things we promote in our communications. Due to the nature of the products and education we provide, we inherently gain and profit from some of the most intimate and vulnerable moments of our customers’ lives.
Whether it be entertaining, engaging or educating, everything we do at Passionfruit is in constant conversation with political pillars like sexual health and reproductive rights, bodily autonomy, sex worker rights, disability rights, queer rights and the nuances that influence the justice of these issues. Being at this intersection, with some of our most vulnerable community members, puts us in a position of power and greater civil responsibility than an ordinary retail business usually would. It’s the ticket we chose when we made the decision to care about sexual, sensual and intimate wellness; a privilege in itself. We are (in itself) a political space; political community members who stand with political justice. After a continued history of occupation and genocide, what is currently happening in Palestine is inseparable to all of the values interwoven in our Passionfruit’s foundations.
Yes, even if it is simply serving someone ‘body safe lubricant’. While it may seem absurd to boil it down to something as trivial as ‘body safe lubricant’, our intentions stem from the same place: resistance against long-standing legacies of harm, violence and prejudice that discriminately decide who does and doesn’t deserve safety, basic healthcare, and fundamental human rights.
When an entire population of people have been oppressed for generations, deliberately displaced by abusive operations of genocide, where systemic structures maintain unshakeable power, as people fall into the marginalisation of all of the social justice issues we stand for, they are denied access to the most basic human rights; the same rights we fight for directly and indirectly every day.
These sentiments ring even truer in so-called Australia where First Nations people continue to fight against a long-standing history of colonisation; an undeniable parallel for Palestinian people. The only current difference being that communities in Palestine are being bombed, raided, and completely decimated in figures that surpass recorded definitions of genocide to date. And while our social feeds and the global humanitarian stage cries genocide, oligarchs are funding warfare by the millions; gleefully admitting to the conscious intention of the eradication of Palestine.
We make no reasonable excuses for our absence on this matter to date and recognise the privileges we have been afforded from it. We also recognise the responsibility to do better, to demonstrate our accountability, our actions and transparency of this process. We understand that this comes with valid disappointment from members of our community. With humility, we accept that we need to prove our solidarity with Palestine and all First Nations people, through our actions and our words from here on.
As part of this commitment, we will be further amplifying the existing voices, knowledge and groundwork of Palestinians and First Nations people, especially on the subject of access to sexual and reproductive healthcare, self determination and liberation from oppression.
📚 Here are some reputable resources that we have found informative, credible and helpful in educating ourselves and learning more about the developing situation in Palestine.
Advocating for Palestine
Australia Palestine Advocacy Network (APAN)
Decolonize Palestine
Palestinian Youth Movement
All the Walls Will Fall: 2023 Palestine Liberation Resource List
Mapping A Field of Sensitivity by Co Culture (An Exercise & Educational Resource)
@Freepalestinemelb
@apan4palestine
@thesitintifada
@forpalestine__
@loudjewcollective
@unionistsforpalestine
@bukjeh
@colourtheconversation
@eid_yara
@wael_eldahdouh
@wizard_bisan1
@motaz_azaiza
@byplestia
@eye.on.palestine
@letstalkpalestine
@palestineasdiqa has created a regularly updated and verified list of causes and communities to support and donate towards. Of course, please do your due diligence.
Free Palestine: A collective response from mental health practitioners.
In the same way that individuals from our community have approached us to declare our stance on the genocide, impacting our actions, we’ve realised the influence of singular efforts on the Free Palestine movement. Our community recognises the ways that those (businesses) with greater access to power (through financial, social status and digital visibility privilege) also hold the responsibility to answer the call. And that our community will responsibly take their money elsewhere, to someone purposefully using that privilege, to do better against the most unimaginable of crimes. If this is not our wake-up call, what is? This is our declaration; “We stand with Palestine, and a world that will not allow for us to repeat our darkest chapters – towards any human – ever again”
Naturally, a statement of this calibre will attract discourse. We welcome your constructive feedback and respectful dialogue via hello@passionfruitshop.com.au and request that you use 'Response to Palestine Statement' as the subject line.
To reduce abusive rhetoric and uphold the psychological safety and wellbeing of our team, we have made the collective decision to temporarily switch off blog and social comments.
Our team aims to respond to respectful conversations in a timely manner (approx. 3-business days). Any abusive, aggressive or threatening behaviour will not be tolerated in-store or online.
Depending on the volume and content of these conversations, we will reassess our response period and approach in a reasonable timeframe.
Love Island. MAFS. The Bachelor. TV dating shows are nothing new. But, what ever happened to the dating shows of yore: a time of talking robots and garish neons? We’re talking about Perfect Match: a peak-‘80s Australian game show, featuring contestants hidden behind an on-set divider, as suitors asked them personal questions before a live audience.
Turns out, the spirit of the show is alive and well in Brunswick.
Human Love Quest is a live onstage dating show that brings the golden age of television dating shows into the future. The future being now – today! Hosted in the beautiful Brunswick Ballroom, Victoria (Australia, for our overseas readers), anyone can participate in this classic trope of three hopefuls vying for the attention of one contestant; regardless of how they identify, what they’re comfortable with, or what they’re looking for in an encounter.
Our very own pleasure educator Chanelle spoke with the team from Human Love Quest to explore their antidote to the isolation of 2020; the antithesis of modern dating apps.
Chanelle: The obvious. What was it that set you love-crazed hooligans off to create Human Love Quest?
Human Love Quest: Well, we had the idea for the show at some point before the pandemic, and the wheels were in motion to put it on in early 2020; when, you know, the pandemic happened.
The Captain came on board right before that, as the genius jack of all trades he is, and Dr Gretta joined us about a year after our first show. Her monthly interview segment is a great opportunity to hear first-hand from people who work in the dating-adjacent world! We wanted to have a dating show where everyone was welcome, and everyone could find love. Except for bigots, of course. No time for them.
C: Aside from maybe finding their ‘one true love’ sitting on the other side of the divider, what do you hope folks might get out of experiencing HLQ, as both a contestant or audience member?
HLQ: A sense of community, a lot of laughs, to feel supported with a reinvigorated feeling of connection with each other. Also, it’s fun to have a fun night out with your friends, and maybe make some new ones!
C: Out of you, love maestros, who's Cupid and who’s Aphrodite? Who’s the mooning-butt, flying baby and who’s the horny diva in the sky?
HLQ: Well, at our most recent annual Halloween Spooktacular show, Xander dressed as Cupid, so that’s an easy one. But also describing Conor as a horny diva in the sky isn’t totally inaccurate.
C: In the digital age, where the quest for love is mostly devised through apps, how does HLQ combat the societal norm of a quick ‘swipe’ in determining the next potential future lover?
HLQ: When people sign up to be a contestant (apart from personal things like age, gender, and who they’re looking to date), they also have the space to tell us about themselves. We endeavour to match people up with all their preferences as closely as we possibly can.
Honestly, most of the chemistry comes from learning about each other when they’re onstage in the show. Most of the questions the contestants ask/are asked and the subsequent responses, are equally heartwarming, hilarious, honest, and relatable for everyone in the room. Such a great way to get to know someone, and put the human back into human interaction, rather than swiping on someone based on their trading card-like dating app profile. We say this with all due respect to trading cards.
C: If the great ‘love’ thinkers of our time Socrates, Voltaire, and Nietzsche were contestants on HLQ, who do you think would be the winning sweetheart of the night? Who would be a hard NO?!
HLQ: Ooh, it really depends on what the solo contestant was looking for in a date! Socrates would probably suit someone who valued wellness and mindfulness, so maybe a coffee at CERES and a walk. Nietzsche would be more of an ‘after 10’, dimly lit dive bar hang, we also feel like he’d value snacks. And Voltaire would be more of an activity date person, so maybe a gallery hang, or a book fair. It would be funny to take Voltaire to a cabaret to see if he got the niche joke about the niche industrial band Cabaret Voltaire, but I don’t think he would, given when he was alive. Regardless, all three dates would be pretty intense.
C: HLQ has a segment called ‘Ahoy there’, where secret-admirer letters from the audience are read out live. Now, give us the SALACIOUS goss. What’s been the most scandalous confession of admiration?
HLQ: We don't know if the most salacious ones can be printed, they get pretty thirsty! And the scandalous ones are best experienced live, so you’d have to come to the show to hear them for yourselves.
But, one that recently struck a chord with everyone in the room was, “Everyone here is fucking gorgeous. Probably the 10th person to write this. I’m recently single, and this gives me hope”. The whole room burst into applause, what a lovely note!
C: Dexter – the co-host robot of the original Perfect Match – where is he now!?
HLQ: We don’t know about Dexter, but Conor has legit pitched for a robot to be in the show since day one. The world is not ready.
C: How the hell can I get my heart-throb of a mate on HLQ?
HLQ: Get your mate to sign up to be on the show!
The application form is available here or you can get it via the link in our bio on both Instagram – and FB if that’s your thing!
C: And of course, what are your top 3 most spectacular, cheese of all cheese love songs of all time?
HLQ: Laura Branigan – Power of Love, Jeremy Jordan – The Right Kind of Love, and
Projection – Lovestruck (12” Remix).
Tired of aimless scrolling, swiping, small talk and stunted conversation?
Head over to the Human Love Quest: putting the human back into actual human interaction since 2021.
Societal expectations demand hard peens for satisfying intercourse. Of course, that's just not true. Many of us enjoy intimacy with no erection, or penis, at all. Settle in and see just how a soft member can offer you (and your partner/s) pleasures untold.
For penis owners, it's perfectly normal to experience a lack of erection, whether that's a once a year occurrence or all the time. Some reasons might include: fatigue, performance anxiety, age, as well as mental, emotional and physical health. In fact, it's part of our biological wiring that the body may just need to use its resources elsewhere at that moment.
Loss of erection can be devastating for both the penis owner and their partner(s). Partners are often overlooked in this scenario as they may be supporting their loved ones during a difficult time; for example, a cancer diagnosis or a new medication regime. But, it's important to recognise your feelings, communicate, seek help and grieve together if necessary. Remember, that you can both continue to experience pleasure, intimacy and sex in its myriad variety.
Penetration is only one part of an imaginative and varied sex life. Think about everything else that's involved in lovemaking. Kissing, erotic massage, oral stimulation, role play, mutual masturbation, fingering, grinding, bondage, affection...the list is only limited by your imagination.
A soft penis is still as sensitive as an erect one. Tugging, stroking, licking and sucking will still feel wonderful even when the penis is flaccid. (And a soft cock is much easier to suck than a hard one!) It sometimes just takes a different way of looking at lovemaking to enable you to experience it as fun and enjoyable.
Penetration with a soft cock may be more gentle and subtle, but still entirely possible with lube and an aroused (read: prepared) orifice. You can use fingers to help guide the penis inside using a 'scissor finger' technique to draw it in. Butt plugs can be used to open the orifice in a way that will allow a softer penis to enter. Again, make sure there is lots of excellent, quality lube on hand. Just the action of grinding together can be fully arousing and delicious in itself.
It goes without saying that vibrators and dildos can be used in all sorts of fun and adventurous ways when a hard-on is off the table. Both partners can use toys for vaginal and/or anal penetration. If you have a prostate, there is a world of pleasure to be found in that part of your body, too.
Society is only too happy to tell you that a pill will fix you. Don't get sucked into the propaganda. You can still enjoy an incredible sex life without a hard-on. With less pressure to perform and with fewer expectations and demands, a beautiful sex life awaits.
Oh, Dolly.
You’ve been counting down the days until your long awaited vacay. And beyond the buffet breaky, rest and relaxation (maybe a little retail therapy), you’re really looking forward to getting down while you’re getting away. After all, between the change of scenery, laidback lifestyle and carefree outlook, who can blame you?
Before we dive into our tips and tricks to help you pack and prepare for your summer lovin’, we would like to give you permission to explore your pleasure at your discretion. Whether you’re going solo, with a partner, or looking to hook up on holiday, we’re here to inspire some saucy scenarios to remember.
You already know that preparation for a trip often involves checking out travel guides, blogs and reviews of places you’d like to explore. We’re not here to teach you how to suck an egg. However, on the hook-up front, you might want to consider downloading your preferred dating apps ahead of your trip. Some folks have suggested that this pre-trains the algorithm to adapt to your new location faster, calibrating more accurate matches, sooner. (Because jet-lag shouldn’t affect your hook ups!)
No matter the app, platform or location, always practise a little due diligence. Make sure to do your own research about where you are going and let someone else know where you’ll be. Apps like bSafe or CloseCircle (on Google Play or the Apple App Store) can help friends and family stay in contact with you while you’re away. Apps like Sitata Travel Safe can also give you information about where local hospitals and clinics are located. If you are travelling with a partner, you may want to explore sex-culture hotspots or bring along books or movies that you can explore in the privacy of your own room.
Quiet, unassuming and light, lube is the perfect companion to any adventure. Water-based lube is compatible with all kinds of toys and pH-friendly for most vulva-owners. Additionally, you can pack silicone-based lube if you plan on playing in the water, wanna introduce some butt stuff into your trip, or are engaging in penis play. Lube is a pro tip for travellers as it can also be used to help with chafing – and quickies in between busy itineraries!
If you're travelling solo, there's no longer any reason to be embarrassed about bringing your favourite toy along. Many toys feature travel modes to prevent accidental vibration. There are even discreet toys that can hide in plain sight! Often when people travel they are willing to be a bit more experimental, so it could be a good time to try something new or risqué.
Safer sex means different things to different people. Make sure that you carry along the essential items you need to protect yourself from STIs and unwanted pregnancy. This can include everything from condoms and dental dams to birth control or PrEP. Have a chat with your doctor to explore your options.
Remember you are only limited by your imagination! We wish you safe and pleasure-filled travels!
If every penis measured 53mm, the ‘size matters’ debate wouldn’t exist. Great condoms are like shoes, they come in a range of sizes, styles and fits. Taking the time to find the right one(s) for you, will make all the difference in your pleasure practice.
Multiple partners? Tilted uterus? Out with old, slipping strap-ons and rigid dildos, we say! Strap-on play should be comfortable. Now, some of our favourite dildos can bend to fit play style, so that we have the choice and comfort to try different positions. Revolutionary. After all, not everyone fucks on a 90 degree angle.
Pink vibe. Pink cord. It’s the little things – like great design – that help make our pleasure practice that much more pleasurable! Take the Fun Factory Mea for example, this suction toy is beautifully considered, from the stimulator itself to all of its accessories. It even comes with a clever charging case and a leather strap to keep all of your charging cables together.
Those everyday things that bring you the most joy. See above.
Without teaching critical thinking concerning sex, sensuality and adult material, pornography will continue to reinforce harmful and outdated ideas and stereotypes about sex. Better, age-appropriate sex education in schools, please!
Are they the artful, non-phallic dildos that we’ve been craving? Or more of the giant, hideous cocks that have been endlessly foisted upon us by the patriarchs of the sex toy industry? Whether they're our 'yuck' or our 'yum', creature-inspired cocks featured in our Shop of Horrors Halloween window in 2023 and we loved them.
We hear it all the time. Up there with leaving your vibrator in a hotel room. The polar opposite of a ‘glimmer’.
Dog toys are regulated, but sex toys? Nope. Vaginas and butts clearly don’t matter that much to the TGA. (King Cocks, anyone?) Beware of pleasure toys containing unusual suspects.
It feels like every pleasure seeker and their dog created a lubricant during the peak of the pandemic. Unfortunately, most of them are rubbish and some can even make you more susceptible to STIs. Before you go waving the scare-tactics stick, check out our blog on lubricant osmolality, and the science of finding lube that’s actually made for your personal pH and skin-type, thanks to safe ingredients.
Out with whorephobia! Modern media continues to reinforce harmful rhetoric around sex work and sex workers, with constant digs about 'hookers', 'strippers', and 'whores' that leads to further violence and misogyny. As though sex workers were some subspecies, rather than fellow humans?
Flip the script by supporting sex work and sex workers through businesses like Harlot Lingerie Store and organisations like the Scarlet Alliance who are actively changing the narrative with resources for our communities. Additionally, take note of/call out whorephobia in your streaming feed.
We’re lookin’ at you TikTok, Instagram and Facebook. Vulv4, V4gina, L4bia, P€nis. Deliberate misspelling and having to use words like 'nip nops' for nipples to beat the algorithm isn’t actually helping anyone. How can we have positive, educational and productive discussions about reproductive, sensual and sexual health when we can't even use correct terminology?!
BUTT PLUG SOAP
It's almost as if businesses don't care what people insert into their bodies. Just stop it.
WHAT YOUR PELVIC FLOOR DOES
It's super important to keep the pelvic floor muscles strong because they support the bladder, bowel and uterus. They help maintain bladder and bowel control and play an important role in sexual sensation and function. Without a strong pelvic floor, we can become incontinent (especially when we sneeze or cough).
The worst effects of poor pelvic muscle contraction are incontinence (urinal and/or fecal), prolapse and loss of sexual sensation or weakened orgasm. At Passionfruit, we talk to many customers who have experienced a prolapse and the experience of it can be devastating.
PROLAPSE
Your pelvic floor muscles sit underneath your pelvic organs and basically hold them up. If the supporting tissues are torn or stretched, and if your pelvic floor muscles are weak, then your pelvic organs might not be held in their right place and they may bulge or sag down into the vagina. Yes that's right, your organs can fall out of your vagina! A rectal prolapse is when part of the rectum protrudes from the anus.
Recently a class action against Johnson and Johnson was successful after the pelvic mesh implants they produced to 'hold up' the vaginal walls were found to be causing incredible pain, infection and organ and nerve damage among the many women who had it inserted.
Johnson & Johnson to pay millions to pelvic mesh patients.
Without fearmongering, we do attempt to educate all our customers on the benefits of pelvic floor health so that we can all enjoy clean undies and great orgasms for the rest of our lives.
According to the Continence Foundation of Australia , over half of all women who have had a child have some level of prolapse. Yes HALF!!!
What we tend to find is that most of our customers have never even heard of a prolapse! Most come to us because of some level of incontinence that they're trying to fix. That's where kegel balls come in.
HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLES
We've all heard of tightening the muscles at the traffic lights and that's all well and good, but it's not particularly effective because a) you forget and b) you're not doing it right and c) you're not targeting the involuntary muscles. If you have a vagina, then kegel balls to the rescue!! Without a vagina, you can start a pelvic floor practice with or without aids.
The best kegel balls have an internal ball that bounces around inside the external ball. You should be able to shake them to hear and feel the inner ball. When the ball(s) are inside the vaginal canal, you're meant to be active in order to get that inner ball jiggling around. The bouncing of the kegel balls off the vaginal wall causes involuntary contractions, like when someone punches your arm and you involuntarily tense. Combined with the voluntary muscle action of holding the ball(s) in, you are giving your pelvic floor muscles a good workout.
Most kegel balls come as a series of weights so that you build up slowly to the heaviest ball. The Lelo Luna Beads for example, have 2 x 28g beads and 2 x 37 gram beads. This gives you five different weight options - 1 = 28g, 1 = 37g, 2 = 56g, 2 = 65g and 2 = 74g. Start with the single 28gram bead and then interchange them within the harness until you are holding 74g using the two heaviest balls.
You can leave them in for as long as is comfortable or when you can feel them sliding out of their own accord. I hang mine in the shower to remind me to put them in a couple of times a week. I leave them in while I run around doing my morning things and then give them a clean and put them back in the shower for next time.
JADE EGGS
We get a lot of queries about jade eggs, of which I am skeptical. Firstly, having a solid weight in your vagina doesn't give the involuntary muscles a workout. Secondly, a heavy weight can pull more heavily on an already compromised set of muscles and could in fact make them weaker still. With a solid weight, you need to be pulling your muscles up constantly which doesn't achieve much. It's like flexing your arm muscle up and leaving it there. You need the counter movement of the arm coming down in order to build muscle (that's why beads with an inner bead moving around isn't just a dead weight). Strengthening muscle requires tensing and relaxing - not just tensing.
I also have deep concerns for the sourcing of semi-precious stone - much of it is mined using child labour and is unsustainable. Finally, most stone is porous and can therefore harbour bacteria that can lead to infection. There are of course those who swear by jade and stone dildos and eggs and that's their personal decision. My research has led to a decision not to recommend them. If you do use them, cover them with condoms.
AN OVER-WORKED (HYPERTONIC) PELVIC FLOOR
Yes that's also a thing! For some reason, some of us have a too-tight pelvic floor and that can lead to all sorts of other problems! Whether it be from some type of repeated exercise (pilates/horse riding perhaps)? or sexual trauma where the vulva and vagina pull away from stimulus, an over-worked pelvic floor can lead to vaginismus, vulvodynia and general sexual pain. Don't do kegel exercises if your muscles are already tight. It's better to do conscious relaxing of the pelvic floor (sitting with your legs crossed and breathing) and using dilators to help relax and open. Pelvic floor physiotherapists work with overworked and weakend pelvic floors and can be an essential part of long-term healing. We have some we personally recommend here.
THE BENEFITS OF KEGEL BALLS
OUR FAVOURITES
Whether you learn how to do kegel exercises with the help of a physio and build it in to your fitness regime or use kegel balls or prostate stimulators to give you a hand, get on to it today and enjoy better health AND SEX for evermore :)
You can read our blog on painful sex here.
You can contact the Continence Foundation here.
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]]>In the world of sexual wellness, the term "best sex toys" represents the pinnacle of innovation and pleasure. As we unveil our list of the best sex toys of 2023, we invite you to join us in celebrating these outstanding products that have set new standards in the industry.
Our team at Passionfruit, with a deep understanding of individual pleasure journeys, has thoroughly explored a wide array of products to bring you this curated selection of the best sex toys. We believe that the best sex toys are those that not only showcase innovative features but also resonate with a diverse range of personal preferences and experiences.
In this exploration of the best sex toys of the year, we encourage you to discover what truly brings you pleasure and joy. Remember, the best sex toy for you is the one that meets your unique desires and needs. Let’s dive into our list of the best sex toys of 2023, each earning its place in the Passionfruit Hall of Fame for its exceptional ability to enhance personal pleasure and intimacy.
The Fun Factory Mea suction toy has left us all here at PF in one quivering, sated heap. The tactile shape, the mind-blowing features and unparalleled performance make it easily the best product we've seen in years. It's like having your own personal pleasure wizard. The motor is the quietest you'll find in any suction toy and the charging case alone made us climax.
Prepare to be transported to another dimension of pleasure with the radically improved Rave+ from We-Vibe. From the subterranean vibrations that rock you to your core to the soft silicone and bendable form, the Rave+ will leave you begging for more. It's truly the G-Bomb!
With the Le Wand Deux you can travel knowing that orgasms await in every hotel room because no charging cord is necessary. Just plug it directly into any USB hole and you've found the Holy Grail. Plus it's gorgeous.
Ferri is the rocket that launches 1000 pulsating pleasures in your underpants. The vibrations are of megalomaniac proportions, rendering the wearer useless for anything but drooling stutters. Contolled via an app for whomever dares to play.
Wands abound this year but one stands tall and proud amongst the plebs. Fun Factory's Vim Massager ticks and pleasures every box conceivable. Flexible. Powerful. Light. Trusty. The perfect end to 2023.
No ‘Best Sex Toys’ list is complete without a dildo! These strap-on-me squeezable forms are like having a personal masseuse for your insides. The firm core allows you to bend them to customise your pleasure while the marshmallowy exteriors deliver unparalleled sensation. Available in a range of sizes and shapes to suit multiple levels of experience. They can be used vaginally or anally and will stick like liquid nails to any non-porous surface.
Dildolls Barbie-esque delights in even more fandagled hues have given us everything this year. Burn out never looked this good.
All hail strap-on-me for their upgraded double dildo styles. We elevate them to the Best Sex Toys Hall of Fame because of their superior feel, their original design and their unnerving ability to satisfy both the giver and the receiver.
Sam Neo might well deliver the best blow job of your life, with the kind of sucking and vibrating action that will leave you in a fantasmagorical dreamscape. And you can use the toy with apps, adult video content and webcam platforms. For one of our best sex toys, it comes at a great price too.
When JeJoue's Amour came into our lives we, well...we came! With its soft as a petal tip, you can use it to fluttery effect all over the body. Blindfold and tie your lover up and torture them with your flower! Our best sex toy in the bullet category can be used to tease all your pleasure points such as the clitoris, nipples, testicles, and vulva.
There you have it, folks—the best sex toys of 2023 that have made it into the Hall of Fame. Remember, pleasure is a personal journey, so don't be afraid to explore and find what works best for you. Also, keep in mind when we say ‘Best Sex Toys’ that pleasure is always subjective. While it's nice to try recommendations from a reliable source, never stop exploring as you never know what's going to be YOUR best sex toy. That is, until you're quivering in delight!
It’s strange how society insists that we stay present and ‘in the moment’, while simultaneously promoting our dissociation of body and mind. This is true for our experience with pleasure, pain, menstruation and menopause.
In the spirit of Menopause Awareness Month, we spoke with Ella Mason (he/she/they), the owner of Pony Club Gym, about their experience with menopause. From themes of transcendence to reverence and liberation, join us as we learn to reconnect with our bodies in order to be free of them.
Passionfruit: Ella, thank you for chatting with us. Before we begin, for those that don’t know, could you tell us more about Pony Club Gym?
Ella Mason: The idea of it was about creating a space that, in a way, felt like home so that it felt comfortable to perhaps do things we might not normally do in gym or fitness spaces – which is actually accessing them.
Yes, it's a gym space and we teach a variety of movement there, but it's also a community space – an intentional space. We do things like community dinners, exhibitions, music events and fundraisers and we've got an allied health hub there. So it's very multifaceted and built around the premise of community, and the community drives what goes on there.
P: Now, how would you describe your relationship with menopause?
EM: My experience, which is probably like most people that are kind of forced into a relationship with menopause, is that you don't really hear about it or get into conversation about it until you're in the midst of it.
Beyond the actual physical symptoms, I also had the additional experience of being forced to really think about my identity. [Menopause] ramped up a lot of dysphoria for me, which I've always been able to manage throughout my life. It’s always there, but it's definitely been pushed to the forefront when menopause started, which has been quite confronting.
While I found some of the physical stuff and dysphoria stuff quite difficult to manage, I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to think, maybe this is going to be quite a liberating experience for me. Then there’s the day to day physicality of my work and energy and stuff. Being an athlete or a person that relies on movement for my mental health and for my work, I've had to change how I train.
I’ve only just reached a point where I’m like, ‘Oh, this could actually be a really nice chapter to focus on my needs’. Because my needs are no longer just about the external, I’m asking ‘What is it I truly want and need on both a physical and mental level?’
As a birth parent of one of my kids, and also trans and gender fluid identifying, I have that additional relationship in what it means to be going through menopause. It’s irritating sometimes, my body doesn’t always cooperate. But, I don’t feel that I’m in a bad place with it. It’s like I’m riding the wave and will shoot out of the other side.
P: While riding your own wave, how have you learned about some of the experiences you share with others?
EM: I put up an Instagram post about being in the midst of perimenopause. I had a lot of people respond, and yes, there's actually quite a lot of good writing and literature out there about it from different perspectives. One thing I did notice is that it's very difficult to find a non-gendered, non-cis version of going through it. I think we’re behind the eight-ball in that respect.
While we have a lot of shared experiences and similarities, [menopause] is quite individual. It's always good to know that there’s shared experiences, but how we approach it is a little bit individual in a way.
For me this is like the purpose of movement, and how we learn to really understand what our body needs. Whoever we are, I think we're so deeply disconnected from our bodies, and that listening to it, really understanding what we need in the moment, is really difficult. I've done a lot of work around very pointedly honing in on what it is I need. And I think that is such an important skill to have.
I train people that are postmenopausal at the gym who are in their 60s and 70s. And think, wow, they’re just badass; living this whole second, third, fourth chapter of their lives. Which is from what I've seen, quite liberating. But it also ties into really deep, long running, misogynist views around what people that bleed are tied to because of it. It dictates so much.
But, like anything, you can either resist or relinquish. In resistance, things are obviously harder. But if we relinquish and ask, 'What do I need at this moment at this time, depending on what it's bringing up for me physically or mentally?’; personally that’s taught me how to have a gentler experience and even an exciting experience.
P: I think you’ve really hit something there. While menopause may seem to dictate a lot, when we learn to work in harmony with what’s going on, we unlock new and exciting ways of viewing ourselves and our outlook.
EM: Yeah, especially if you think about those things in relation to trans or gender diverse people, or trans men that menstruate, go through menopause or experience pregnancy. There are people that feel like it’s kind of an assault on them, because of very defined binary, kind of physical laws and roles that we have assumed. And it's really an interesting space to sort of unpack that. There's many different people that are going to be experiencing this and I find that it could potentially be a very liberating experience.
It makes me think of the word transcendence. When we finally transcend, and just let everything go that is not of the body, there's potential to move beyond being stuck or imprisoned in any way. That’s all you can want really: to not feel pulled down by trauma or past experiences or our bodies or all of that stuff. And I don't even mean that in an ableist way, I feel like that can be contextual to anyone's experience which is an individual one.
P: How have you reframed the menopausal experience with transcendence in mind?
EM: I’ve looked at this time in my life as an opportunity for me to free myself of, not the physical act of menstruation or bleeding but of so much more than that.
I really believe that you can resist things or you can relinquish yourself to it and let things just move through you. We can often feel kind of at the whim of what's happening to us a lot of the time. I think the trick is, how we navigate those spaces because that will always happen. That's the nature of life. Life isn't this fluffy, lovely, joyous experience – it comes in waves.
P: When it comes to this relinquishing, what’s your process?
EM: I go by feel. That’s how I work. It drives people crazy, because they like things planned and ordered and I’m like, ‘I can’t do that’. I think something I’m grateful for, something honed over a lifetime, is my excellent intuition for things. I really trust it, and that’s across the board. I can say that any time I haven’t trusted it, things have gone awry and quite spectacularly sometimes.
Because life is quite structured from a young age, we’re kind of forced into not listening to what we need. I think we have really good intuition when we’re young and we’re taught not to listen to it. So I try to avoid having very rigid practices now, because I might not even feel like doing that, and I use movement as a tool for soothing and just switching things off.
P: Experiencing it for yourself, how have some of your perceptions around menopause changed?
EM: Growing up, I didn't really hear conversations around menopause. But I’m really lucky, I've got friends that span over 30 years and one of them is about eight years older than me, so they were always ahead. I did speak to my mum about it, and this sums up my mum so much. She was like, “Oh yeah, I just decided I wouldn't have any symptoms. So I didn't.” I was like, right, not sure that it's entirely realistic, but also good on you.
Being an older queer now, there's a whole heap of it. Everyone's experience is really different. I think for me, it's probably far more useful to hear the stories that are in my communities anyway, because I feel like I can relate a little bit more to them.
I will say, it has been really nice talking to older people, mostly through the gym space, that have come full circle and to hear their experiences of being on the other side. I think it just shows how important intergenerational relationships are.
In white-centric cultures, which is not my background, we shove older people away. You don't have your parents living with you, you don't have contact with them. We don't go out and hang out with older people. There just aren’t very good intergenerational relationships. But, I think that these relationships are so important for us from a very young age and that goes both ways.
My background is East Asian and so you have a whole cultural spin on conversations around menstruation and menopause and what you should be doing, all of that kind of stuff. Whether it’s spoken about, whether it's not spoken about, and who you speak with about it.
P: There seems to be a learned and colonial pattern of dissociation from the body and mind. Almost as if no one’s allowed to talk about, touch or experience their bodies.
EM: Just as a general statement, we’re taught that bodies are dirty and they can't be sources of pleasure and pain and all of it. It's such a horrible thing to do to people. I talk about it a lot at Pony Club Gym. I think it's why I find the gym so essential as a place where we can maybe get in touch with our bodies again and have autonomy over them because it's removed from us all the time, every day.
We have so much taken away from us in terms of autonomy over our own bodies, that's accentuated culturally, in gender, binary roles and systems, in financial circumstances and in being able-bodied, chronically ill, all that kind of stuff. I think if we can find more ways to get that autonomy back, and feel more ‘in our bodies’, maybe we can feel less at the whim of all of these things.
P: Now, we’re getting personal. How has your relationship with pleasure changed throughout this period?
EM: I feel like it’s fluctuated, over the trajectory of the last three or four years. Initially, I could feel my libido decreasing, I didn’t feel like I could experience pleasure anymore. However, I will say that I’m in quite a unique situation. I have taken HRT (testosterone) which probably helps, in and of itself, so I feel like I have more of a libido anyway. Yeah, in a way, I feel like I've actually gone the other way. But it has to do with a lot of things like stress and who your intimate partner might be at the time. All of those things come into play anyway. So it could be circumstantial.
I do remember having a fear of both menopause and having testosterone. You know, you hear, “you'll get vaginal dryness” and “you'll be like a bloody desert” but I haven't had that experience so far. And maybe it is a new kind of opportunity to learn new ways of experiencing pleasure, because pleasure might not always be centred around vaginas and penises or penetration.
P: Thinking about some of the current conversations around menopause, what would you like to see more of/what’s missing?
Someone from the gym once told me that in Japan, menopause is the time where women come into their power. So when people go through menopause in Japan, they're revered, almost like goddesses; they don't experience menopause symptoms. Instead, they experience this sense of empowerment, coming back strong and free in their bodies.
I would like to see menopause spoken about like it is in Japan. Like a powerful, bloody evolutionary portal that we go through; a celebration of this really exciting new chapter and the work our bodies have done for maybe 30 plus years. It’s hard work menstruating and navigating life, and all of the things that come with it, including things like endometriosis or infertility and the complications that follow.
I'd like to see more conversation around what it is for gender diverse and trans people to go through menopause and what that experience is like in relation to dysphoria. I feel like I've navigated some of that through conversations with other people, but a lot of it has been by myself with a GP. It's a big one to unstick the narrative around menopause being a ‘women’s-only’ experience. Whether it's because you're not a woman and you’ve experienced menopause, or you're someone who doesn't experience menopause or you're standing beside someone who does.
I know trans masculine or trans men who have or are going through menopause or still menstruate, and I consider that experience for them. I consider the complications of having to navigate gendered bathrooms and cramps and all of that kind of stuff, and maybe living a life where you can't speak to your peers or friends about that. Not necessarily in queer communities but in cis heteronormative communities where you have crossover and how complex that is.
I’m so lucky as a person who is queer and lives in queer circles, I think we get to talk about a lot of stuff much more often than maybe people who live in a more hetero existence.
October is Menopause Awareness Month. And despite affecting a decent portion of our community, menopause is still a stigmatised topic. We’re here to help change that, one conversation at a time, so that experiences like perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause aren’t nearly as isolating, confronting or mystifying for the masses.
To get involved with Pony Club Gym, check out their website or head over to their Instagram @ponyclubgym.
For more tailored advice and recommendations around perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause, book a consultation with our in-house sexologist Tori.
Want a date? Hit Hinge. Want a meal? Uber it. Wanna cum? There are thriving online communities to help you get off. Dating apps, sex parties, porn and multiple partners have made sex more accessible and on-demand than ever before. So why are we still convinced that it’s meant to go on all night long and that our genitals are supposed, indeed expected, to run these fuck-fest marathons? As if, sex is going to disappear on us?
It kinda makes you wonder if the trend towards harder, more intense sex, perhaps led by mainstream porn and little-blue-pill culture, is heralding a vicious cycle of unhappy encounters. Or if, more concerningly, it's a cover-up for inadequate technique and connection. The explosion of endurance pills (most of which have no data to support their safety or efficacy and can actually endanger your health) may be reflecting the performance anxiety that comes with the 'longer the better' notion.
*Not a day goes by, where we, at Passionfruit, are not asked for some sort of mega-sex endurance pill. Again, no, we don't sell pills or synthetic drugs.
Many penis owners wrongly assume they suffer from premature ejaculation (PE) because of the mistaken belief that they should be able to have sex 'all night long'. In fact, PE is defined as ejaculating with minimal stimulation in under a minute. Where most ejaculations occur after 4-8 minutes of sexual intercourse.
Worrying that your erection won’t last for longer than about 5 minutes or that you suffer from premature ejaculation, can, ironically, lead to anxiety-led erectile dysfunction (ED), where a person with no health problems, can struggle to get an erection at all. The effects of this can really impede a person's or couple's sex life. FOR NO GOOD REASON! It's a vicious cycle that can leave you and your partner(s) stressed, vulnerable and reaching for the performance enhancers.
There's another relatively modern condition called retarded ejaculation or 'RE' that may also be a result of the 'hard sex' culture. Dan Savage, a very famous sex advice columnist, called it the 'masturbation death grip syndrome', where basically penis-owners are wanking too bloody hard with their hands, and we’ve written a little more about it over here.
Many sex therapists are seeing a rise in this condition where a soft stimulator (like a vagina, bodacious butt, mouth or hand) is insufficient at bringing about arousal and ejaculation. This condition can result in greater speed, pressure, duration and intensity required to enjoy sex or even basic arousal with a partner. The result? Shamed partners. Sometimes, no sex at all.
Then there is the high incidence of painful sex complaints among women. In America, 16% of women, typically between 18 and 25, report the condition known as vulvodynia, where the vulva is too painful to touch. That's 13 million sore vaginas (vulvas to be precise). You can read our blog about painful sex here.
The prevalence of porn on the internet can give the impression that sex is a marathon. Penises think they've got to be up all night (or they actually are up all night because of death grip syndrome) and vulvas fret that they're in for an all night session of pounding, finger blasting or equivalent aggressions, making them want to shrink back with a hot water bottle.
Surely there has to be a remedy to all of this roughhousing? To counter all of this high-impact sex, we'd like to see something like the slow food movement introduced; something we’ll call the soft sex movement. A kind, languid, generous state where the only expectation is to be cared for and gently pleasured: where the focus is taken off one's own performance and placed on another person’s wellbeing.
Sure, hard sex has its place but it's not all there is.
The moral here is, none of us should feel pressured to endure high impact sex just because it's trending. Instead of feeling the pressure to be a stallion or a porn star, consider yourself a being of pleasure – deserving of delight. And whether you are young, old or experience health issues, 'soft sex' is a low-impact, relaxed alternative to help you unlock sustained pleasure states rather than chasing a fleeting end goal.
*Disclaimer: There's barely any research on the prevalence of erectile dysfunction, vulvodynia, vaginismus and sexual anxiety. Mostly I'm hypothesising and observing trends after speaking with customers for over 20 years. There's virtually never a day that passes when we aren't asked for performance pills - something that for me, is a recent (and scary) phenomenon.
* Image is via @insuhyoon and the modes is Ava Little - insuhyoon.com
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If you’ve been raised around predominantly cishet communities, you might have some fixed ideas about menopause (E.g. that it only affects women, of a certain age, in a certain way.) But, what about the people that fall outside of the margins?
In the spirit of Menopause Awareness Month, we’re here to help demystify this experience one conversation at a time. We interviewed fashion-designer and fellow Fitzroy local, Alice Edgeley (she/her) to learn more about her experience with menopause, business and pleasure.
Passionfruit: Alice, thank you for chatting with us. To kick us off, would you please share your pronouns, passions and professions?
Alice Edgeley: My name is Alice Edgeley (she/her) and I’m a fashion and costume designer, small business owner, and the drummer in the band Curlers. I’m fascinated with fashion history, intersectional feminism, queer and lesbian culture, poodles, glamour, reading and resting.
P: And how would you describe your relationship with menopause?
AE: I’m in deep perimenopause. It started with migraines in my 30s, which became frequent until I had them for up to 10 days a month. Then the night sweats kicked in, followed by more frequent, heavier periods, restless legs, and really bad brain fog. Quite confusingly, a lot of this coincided with the pandemic, lockdowns, having Covid-19, then long Covid and glandular fever. So, it’s been hard to tell the causes for each of the symptoms.
P: That sounds really stressful. How did you end up knowing it was perimenopause and how much did you know before actually experiencing it?
AE: I didn’t know very much, and I’ve found most health professionals to be extremely unsupportive. They’ve looked at me repeatedly and said, “You’re too young to be going through menopause.”
Now that I understand more about it, and all of the symptoms, I realise that’s what I’ve been experiencing, but I really had to find that out for myself. After sifting through information online, in books, from friends and my Chinese medicine doctor (shout out to Stella at Remedy, Modern Chinese Medicine), the possible symptoms blew my mind. Restless legs was something I hadn’t even considered was a symptom, and my feet have been feeling so weird; like they want to yawn. I have to flex my toes and wiggle them for relief. That’s perimenopause!
P: From noticing outlier symptoms to more typical ones (like night sweats), how have your perceptions around menopause changed?
AE: A huge amount. I never really understood that perimenopause was a thing. But, of course, your periods don’t just stop one day. Your hormones fluctuate and change in the lead up to menopause and postmenopause. Your body is getting all its eggs out and this has an impact on your physical and mental experience. I hate that society uses the term ‘hormonal women’ like a dirty word, and how menopausal women are seen as crazy, demanding and daggy or frumpy, etc. I want to push against that perception and make it normal. Not just for myself but also for others. I’ve been trying to lean into ageing, to embrace it.
P: Your label, Edgeley, celebrates beauty beyond numbers, whether they appear on a label or a birthday cake. How has your experience with perimenopause influenced your work and your approach to business?
AE: I’ve had to take it really easy. I let myself have slow days. A lot of my customers are also around my age so I’ve been talking to them about their experiences too which has been a huge help. Ranting on Instagram has been really well received. I’ve learnt a lot that way, got useful resources and recommendations and feedback that it’s been reassuring for others to hear.
My clothes have always been for everyone and anyone who wants to wear them. Some people think they can’t wear certain clothes after a certain age but I had an 80-year old woman who’d just had a pacemaker fitted buying a mesh dress from me. My mum who’s 74 still wears my leopard dresses and looks amazing. It’s about whether you like the style, not whether you’re the right age. I’ve made quite a few custom 40th or 50th birthday outfits which I’ve loved! I mean, what an honour for me, and a great way for them to ring in a new decade.
P: How has your experience influenced your relationship with pleasure?
AE: I’ve been in a same-sex relationship for the past 12-13 years now, which is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s an absolutely lovely progression, but obviously not that crazy, mind-altering, sex-all-the-time thrill of the first couple of years. I’ve found myself feeling very strong in my sexuality. Much more in control.
Because I’m in a hetero relationship I’m often assumed to be straight and that’s not where I’m at. I’ve identified as queer since I found out what that meant as a teenager and growing into middle age it’s felt necessary to take time to reaffirm and reconnect with my queer self. That felt really important and empowering (though I cringe to use that word).
I’ve had such a joyous time attending lesbian/queer, non-binary nights, like the Planet Queer Party and the Smoking Mermaid. Reading lesbian classics like, Tipping the Velvet (Waters, 1998) and Fingersmith (Waters, 2002), and watching Gentleman Jack have also brought me great pleasure and thrills! I’ve also had long periods where I’m really not at all interested in sex due to migraines and illness. And I’ve occasionally experienced the dreaded dry vagina which definitely made me feel less sexy and less like having sex. Lube is great!
P: Finally, what advice would you share with your younger self about perimenopause?
AE: Peri menopausal symptoms can start in your 30s or 40s. It really helps to talk to friends and share your experiences. Find health professionals who listen to you, which is easier said than done but worth the hunt. Revel in your sexuality and take the time to take your time.
Aspirin is amazing for migraines. Keep up the kookiness.
Contrary to popular belief, menopause isn’t something that only affects women aged 50+. In fact, 1 in 12 women and people with ovaries experience early menopause for a whole range of reasons: from family history to severe endometriosis, cancer treatment or surgical hysterectomies.
Follow Alice Edgeley on Instagram @ms_edgeley and shop her latest collections at edgeley.com.au
Want to hear more from our community? Check out our Sex & Menopause section and read our blog on Navigating Menopause With Pleasure in Mind: The Role of Personal Lubricants.
Menopause marks a significant life transition for many people, bringing about changes in hormonal balance that can impact various aspects of health, including intimate wellbeing.
In the spirit of Menopause Awareness Month, qualified sexologist and Passionfruit educator Tori, explores the role of personal lubricants during this life transition and how to thoughtfully incorporate lube into your pleasure practice.
Menopause can bring about hormonal shifts that contribute to vaginal dryness and discomfort during intimate activities. While commonplace, this discomfort can often lead to decreased desire and intimacy, affecting the overall wellbeing of those that experience menopause, and their intimate partners. An often overlooked ally in this journey, personal lubricants can act as a valuable solution in providing moisture and reducing friction to enhance the overall experience. Rather than a precursor for penetration or foreplay, we’re reframing lube as a catalyst for comfort with pleasure in mind.
Vaginal dryness and atrophy are common experiences during menopause, often causing irritation and pain during penetrative intercourse. Personal lubricants, whether water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based, offer relief by alleviating dryness and reducing this friction. Beyond significantly minimising physical discomfort, personal lubricants play a role in promoting pleasure during intimacy by enhancing sensations and contributing to a more fulfilling experience. This is especially beneficial as maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate life is integral to overall quality of life during and after menopause.
When selecting a personal lubricant, it's essential to consider any potential sensitivities or allergies. E.g. preservatives, fragrances, extracts, etc. Opting for products with minimal additives and gentle formulations can help prevent irritation and awkward situations alike. You might also need to factor in the type of lifestyle you're engaged-in and how you are intimate. E.g. Solo, partnered, with multiple partners, with the presence of toys or barriers and whether you’re participating in vaginal, anal or oral sex, etc. Finding a lube that matches your lifestyle preferences is key to more enjoyable experiences.
It's not an easy task picking the perfect lube to support your specific experience with menopause, however it is one that is greatly beneficial to one's wellbeing. Our advice on water-based lube is to try and find one that is formulated with vaginal pH in mind. Those with vaginas tend to sit between 3.7 and 4.5, however during menopause that natural pH can be upwards of 5 and 6 due to the lack of oestrogen which is fundamental in maintaining an acidic environment. If you’re looking for a water-based lube that can assist in bringing down that pH to a more acidic level, that isn't irritating, we suggest YES VM and Sliquid Satin. Another factor in choosing the right lube is the science of osmolality (without going into the chemistry of it all, this refers to the moisture balance, specifically of water-based lube in relation to the surface it's applied to – like vulvas or anuses). Our skin produces and absorbs moisture at different rates around the body, so we need to find a lube that works with our bodies and supports our skin without taking from it – or exposing us to infection and irritation. Lubricant with a similar osmolality to our vulval, anal or vaginal skin is better for us, it will provide more of a seamless experience during intimacy; rather than further friction or worse, a burning sensation.
For a body that self-lubricates well, a Sliquid Naturals lube will support you. If you’d like some extra help with hydration and moisturisation, consider blending this with a Sliquids Organics lube. Viamax and Yes WB are great in-between lubes that aren’t overly hydrating but will stay around a little longer.
Silicone lube is wonderful in that we don't have to pay attention to pH or osmolality as these principles don't apply. Instead, it all comes down to ingredients, which thankfully are non-absorbent and very dermatologically-friendly. These lubricants tend to stick around depending on their molecular size and will evaporate when friction ceases. uberlube is our absolute favourite when it comes to silicone-based lube. This formula features added Vitamin E to support the repair of micro-tears, which naturally occur after friction in sensitive or thinning skin.
At the end of the day, navigating menopause is a unique and personal journey.
Incorporating the right lubricant, tailored to your individual preferences, is a simple yet powerful step towards embracing menopause with confidence and joy. By prioritising comfort, minimising discomfort, and embracing the potential for increased pleasure, people can enhance their intimate wellbeing and overall quality of life during this transformative stage.
Looking for more tailored advice on lubricant, menopause or osmolality!? Book a private consultation with a Passionfruit educator or qualified sexologist today.
Passionfruit: Jade, we’re so excited for you to share your knowledge with us during your workshop series on Desire Mapping and Erotic Ecology. Can you share some of the main reasons why your students seek out this kind of support during their sensual journeys?
Jade Levinson: Students come to me when they’ve tried everything else; conventional doctors, cognitive behaviour therapy, etc. and want to try a unique embodied approach. I work with clients to boost confidence in their body image, enhance their communication skills, explore their sexual identity, kinks, relationship configurations, etc. I also help them navigate perceived sexual dysfunction, and support trauma healing.
P: At Passionfruit, we see a lot of people seeking more expansive ways to address their concerns around sex and sexual identity, communication and confidence. In your experience, what are some of the main barriers that your clients face in accessing this kind of support?
JL: Such a small population of the world is aware of the type of work I, and so many other incredible practitioners, offer. This, in conjunction with cultural and religious stigmas associated with asking for help, especially around sexuality, make it a major leap for most folks to reach out and step into my office.
P: Ahh, yes, stigma strikes again. While we’re seeing some positive changes in the way that sexuality is discussed in public spaces, we feel that there are still some rigid mindsets around desire, libido and pleasure that need dismantling. How do you feel that our society informs our understanding of desire, and what advice do you have for people navigating shifts in desire?
JL: Society places extremely unfair expectations on us to be ‘normal’ - whatever that means - which leaves little room for us to be in our unique expression. What I’ve noticed is that so many people don’t feel resourced enough to explore their desires to understand them personally and, in addition to that, they often don’t feel safe, confident, or equipped enough to share those desires with their partner(s).
My invitation for people who are navigating shifts in their desires is to take it slow, to get curious - as if your body was your laboratory. Listen, track, acknowledge, and remember that each one of us is inherently different and exceptional just by being.
P: One of your workshops, Erotic Ecology, involves exploring and expanding our physical connection with nature through movement. When so many of us are confined to desks, day jobs and urban environments, how can we create space to reconnect with nature; and our inner-nature?
JL: We ourselves are nature - erotic ecology is all about opening ourselves up to being impacted by our surroundings. Whether that involves taking a walk around the city and feeling the density of the ground beneath our feet with every step, noticing every smell around us, tracking the nearest and furthest sounds, tasting the air, slowly stroking our fingertips on a tree to acknowledge its texture – there are endless possibilities. Once we interact with the space around us erotic ecology invites us to slow down and see how we are affected by sensing. Sensing is the most natural thing we can do as human animals, it brings us into presence, and it allows us to connect with our own erotic body.
Imagine what pleasures await when we can fully identify our authentic and intimate desires. And picture how these discoveries might transform our connections with lovers and others. The anticipation alone has us racing to enrol in both the Desire Mapping workshop and Erotic Ecology chaser.
You can email Jade Levinson directly or book a discovery call at jadelevinson.com.
Check out Jade’s recommended reads:
And of course, you can explore our weekend workshops and events or book in your private consultation with a Passionfruit educator or qualified sexologist today.
]]>If you're not already following her on Instagram, you might want to start. Dr. Martha Tara Lee (@drmarthalee), is a highly respected Relationship Counsellor and Clinical Sexologist at Eros Coaching. With an impressive academic background, including a doctorate in human sexuality and a Masters in counselling, Dr. Lee brings over 14 years of expertise to her practice.
We spoke with the expert, ahead of her in-store workshops, to explore some of the common issues surrounding sexual health and wellness. From communication and body image to self-esteem and sexual confidence, join us as we pursue information, education and advice from professionals within our community.
Passionfruit: What are some of the top sex and sexual health-related concerns among your audiences at the moment (specifically, in the years following 2020)?
Dr. Martha Tara Lee: The top sex and sexual health-related concerns among audiences in recent years may vary, but some common concerns include: communication and intimacy issues in relationships, sexual dysfunction or difficulties, such as erectile dysfunction or low libido, and body image and self-esteem affecting sexual confidence.
In recent years, there has been a growing awareness and emphasis on the importance of communication and intimacy in relationships. Many individuals seek guidance on how to effectively communicate their desires, boundaries, and needs to their partners, as well as how to navigate conflicts and maintain emotional connection within their intimate relationships.
Sexual dysfunction or difficulties have also been a prevalent concern among audiences. Issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and low libido can significantly impact an individual's sexual satisfaction and overall wellbeing. Many people seek information and support to address these concerns, whether through medical interventions, therapy, or lifestyle changes.
Body image and self-esteem have long been recognised as factors that can affect sexual confidence. In recent years, there has been a shift towards body positivity and acceptance, but many individuals still struggle with insecurities related to their appearance. This can impact their ability to fully enjoy and engage in sexual experiences. As a result, there is an increased focus on promoting self-love, body acceptance, and cultivating a positive body image to enhance sexual confidence and pleasure.
It is important to note that these concerns are not exhaustive, and individuals may have unique experiences and challenges related to sex and sexual health. However, the increased awareness of these issues and the availability of resources and support have contributed to a more open dialogue around sex, pleasure, and overall sexual wellbeing.
P: How do these concerns relate to some of the global conversations we’re having around sex and sexuality?
MTL: The increased awareness and acceptance of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities have expanded our global conversations around sex and sexuality. People are now more open to discussing and exploring different aspects of their own sexual orientation and gender identity, as well as understanding and respecting the experiences of others. This has led to a greater emphasis on inclusivity, representation, and the recognition that everyone's sexual experiences and needs are unique.
Additionally, conversations around consent have become more prominent in global discussions about sex and sexuality. The ‘Me Too’ movement, in particular, has shed light on the prevalence of sexual harassment, assault, and coercion, leading to a greater emphasis on the importance of enthusiastic consent in all sexual encounters. This has sparked conversations about boundaries, communication, and the need for mutual respect and understanding in intimate relationships.
Overall, these global conversations have contributed to a more inclusive and progressive understanding of sex and sexuality. They have challenged traditional norms and stereotypes, encouraged open dialogue, and promoted the idea that everyone deserves to have safe, consensual, and pleasurable sexual experiences regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
P: Practising sexology and relationship counselling for over a decade, have you noticed any shifts in audience mindset around sex, pleasure and sensuality?
MTL: Over the years, there has been a noticeable shift in audience mindset around sex, pleasure, and sensuality. This shift can be attributed to various factors, including the influence of social movements like Black Lives Matter and the Me Too movement, which have sparked conversations about consent, boundaries, and the importance of inclusive and equitable sexual experiences. Additionally, the awareness of the orgasm gap, which highlights disparities in pleasure between genders, has prompted discussions around sexual pleasure and the need for equal satisfaction in intimate relationships.
There is a growing acceptance of the importance of sexual wellbeing and a recognition that it is an integral part of overall health and happiness. People are becoming more open to exploring their desires, seeking education, and seeking professional help when needed. Overall, these societal changes have contributed to a more open and progressive mindset when it comes to sex, pleasure, and sensuality.
P: While you are usually based in Singapore, you are hosting a number of workshops in Melbourne, including a few sessions at Passionfruit Shop, covering painful sex and vaginismus. Can you tell us more about this workshop?
MTL: Painful sex and vaginismus are prevalent concerns among individuals, with studies indicating that up to 75% of women experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives, and vaginismus affecting approximately 1-7% of women.
Attending workshops like the ones offered can provide valuable information, support, and strategies for managing these conditions. For those considering the workshop but haven't booked, it's important to remember that seeking help is a positive step towards improving one's sexual wellbeing. It can provide a safe space to learn, share experiences, and gain practical tools for addressing these concerns.
P: Can you tell us more about your other workshop, ‘Nurture Your Desire: Understanding & Overcoming Low Sex Drive’?
MTL: It's essential to approach the workshop with an open mind and a willingness to explore the factors that may be contributing to a low sex drive. Low sex drive can be influenced by various factors including stress, hormonal imbalances, relationship difficulties, certain medications, and underlying health conditions, all of which can impact an individual's sexual desire and arousal. The workshop can provide insights into the various physical, psychological, and relational factors that influence desire and offer strategies for nurturing and enhancing sexual desire.
P: Finally, where do you recommend people start when seeking more information and support regarding their pleasure practice?
MTL: When seeking information and support regarding pleasure practice, there are various options available. My online courses can be a valuable resource, offering structured educational programs on various aspects of sex and relationships. Booking an introductory session with a qualified sexologist or relationship counsellor can provide personalised guidance and support tailored to individual needs and concerns.
In addition, Passionfruit has qualified sexologists in-house who provide expert guidance and support for individuals seeking information and assistance with pleasure practice and sexual well-being.
To book your online consultation with Dr. Martha Tara Lee and explore the full range of events, courses and services available, visit Eros Coaching. Explore our weekend workshops and events or book in your private consultation with a Passionfruit educator or qualified sexologist today.
While you’re in recovery mode it may take some time before you start feeling like you again. This is especially common in the bedroom. Even as a survivor, sexuality and cancer can be difficult to navigate, but there are plenty of ways you can make it easier on yourself and your partner(s) – and it all starts with a conversation.
Fact: Cancer will cock block your sexual desire and satisfaction.
Maintaining intimacy after a cancer diagnosis can be difficult. It’s not just the illness, crippling nausea, fatigue and pain that gets in the way, studies have shown that satisfaction with your own sex life can decrease, making it tricky to enjoy a flourishing sex life. But it can be achieved, by sitting down and having the conversation with your partner, health practitioner or even a close friend. Sure, it might take time, but it all begins with healing, checking-in and learning new pathways to navigate pleasure in your body.
Great news. You’ve been given the all clear and the physical symptoms of illness and treatment don’t haunt you anymore. The not so great news? Your sex life hasn’t bounced back thanks to a whole bunch of side affects both physical and emotional. But, you’re not alone.
Emotional barriers affect both cancer survivors and partners in unique ways. You may experience low desire (or reduced sex drive), vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, increased numbness or sensitivity, or simply struggle to reach orgasm during sex. But, consider this, you've both mentally been through a lot, and that's not something that instantly disappears. It’s common for both of you to experience nervousness around intimacy and sex, but it’s important to keep communication channels open through every stage in order to overcome these hurdles.
As a survivor, you might be worried about the physical changes you’ve experienced. Your body might look different, feel different and perform differently; but that’s perfectly normal and a common source of post-treatment anxiety for many survivors. Similarly, partners commonly worry about rushing-in, pressuring or even physically injuring cancer survivors. Again, these concerns need to be brought into the light, in order to be conquered. If you’re worried about how your partner will respond to your body, make it known. After all, you’re stronger when you face challenges together.
If you're a survivor of prostate cancer, you may experience some sexual function issues. Erectile dysfunction is a common problem and one that can be brought on due to a traumatic event, such as cancer. But, there are plenty of tools and techniques designed to help you overcome penile problems. The Penis Pump and Pulse are both effective at helping you get an erection, while Penis Rings, can help you keep it up.Find out more about these and other helpful tools in our blog.
Breast cancer can be especially hard on your physical perception of self. If you've had one or both of your breasts removed or augmented due to treatment, you might struggle with your body image or simply feel uncomfortable being intimate with others. But, things like lingerie, massage and dedicated solo sessions can all gently bring you back into your body again. Read about these tips on our blog.
Chemotherapy, radiation and medication can also create a number of issues for vagina owners, such as the shortening of the vagina, sensation reduction, dryness and loss of desire.
There are a number of ways that survivors can recover and restore pleasure pathways post-treatment, including the use of lubricants, tantra, sex toys and – of course – therapy. The most important tool throughout your recovery?
Time.
Take things slow, and ease your way back into intimacy with yourself and others in the way(s) that feel comfortable for you.
One of the most important aspects of regaining your sexuality after cancer and getting back into the bedroom is communication. Good, honest, and open conversations between you and your sexual partner are a must.
Not only does communicating your fears make them seem less scary (a problem shared is a problem halved!), but it also helps your partner to be conscious of them. They'll know to take things slow and go at your speed. Make sure you both know when to say stop if things get too much, as well.
You may find out that your partner has some worries, too. For example, they may not know what to do if there is an issue, such as vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. By talking about it first, you can create plans for these situations and deal with them together.
Sex after cancer relies on love, kindness, empathy, and trust. By communicating honestly, you enable these to be present in your bedroom.
Speaking to your partner about sex and your concerns can be a daunting task. Make sure you choose the right time when neither of you is busy so that you can sit down together and talk without distraction. It's best if you can sit face to face so that you can see each other and avoid any miscommunication that can happen over the phone.
Let them know that you want to talk about sex. You can set out your main concerns at the beginning of the conversation in a list format and then go deeper into each concern when you're ready to do so. You may want to talk through them without interruption — in which case, tell your partner before you begin — or to talk through them together.
If you're struggling with sex after cancer, there are plenty of professionals out there who can help you. A therapist can work through your emotional barriers, and provide you with the tools to navigate challenges in a healthy, productive manner. They can also further your understanding of why you feel the way that you do.
A therapist can help if you're:
Being open and honest about your sexual health after surviving a serious illness isn't always easy. But, by keeping an open mind and working through your barriers with your partner, you can definitely still have a passionate, fulfilling sex life.
For toys and accessories that could help boost your confidence, browse through our range at Passionfruit. From lube to vibrators for couples, we have a wide range of products to support you throughout your recovery.]]>So you're in one part of the house and your partner is in another. Or your partner is in Tunisia and you're in Croatia! Get an app controlled toy! Connect to each via your phone and you're ready to rock and roll. One wears/inserts/plays with the toy and the other has the control at their fingertips. Face time to really experience intimacy from afar.
Ooh la la!! Why not try an air pressure toy? They are completely different to vibration and the result is explosive!
An external toy is always a great first time option. Our best suggestion is the We Vibe Touch 11. Or if you think you might like something internal, try the Lelo Gigi for something very elegant and approachable. For those on a budget, we recommend the Svakom Alice.
Grab an app controlled, wearable Moxie. Attach it to your underwear and let your friends and lovers turn it on (and up) when you're at the library. Or just have fun on your own while you're doing the housework...
(helping with the housework)
Sex should never be painful. Check with your GP and read our blog here. If it's painful around the vulva, you'll be thankful for a super soft touch. The Iroha range is amazing! Or if it's painful internally, try the Iroha Minamo or Mikazuki. If the vagina has contracted we love the She-ology vaginal dilators.
The $40.00 Essential Bullet is powerful and cheap (in a good way).
Try all the things! Clitoral, vaginal, anal, prostate - whatever you've got, go the whole hog. Create a room just for sensual pleasure and begin your journey to sexual awakening!
The key is arousal, angle, pressure and rhythm. Weight can really help too. Our best suggestions for G-Spot toys are SenseVibe, Rave, Mona and Pure Wand. Try having an orgasm first to enlarge the G-Spot and adding lots of clitoral stimulation to arouse the entire region. We've got loads of info on the G-Spot here.
Lucky you! We can't go past the Liberator Wedge. It's not a sex toy as you know it, but changes the game entirely. Pick any of the Liberator products and become transformed. Sounds like a gimmick but it aint.
If you have numb spots around your clitoris, give the Zumio a go. It's tiny head (about the size of a pinhead) allows for pinpoint stimulation. It's a great way to isolate the sensitive spots.
Wands like the Lady Bonnd are great if you need extra hand reach. Remote control toys that allow you to use your phone (or someone else to use theirs) make pesky buttons a thing of the past. Toys like the Pulse can bring a penis to orgasm without having an erection. Whatever your disability, we can find a toy to suit your needs. Just ask.
This is a tough one because giving yourself permission to receive pleasure is something only you can do. Pleasure is good for you and something your body is made for. Try turning off your phone, indulging in an erotic fantasy or reading some Anais Nin and using an external vibrator like Pom to begin your pleasure journey.
Haha it's actually a very common dilemma. We've written a blog about it here.
For starters, don't do it unless you really want to. In our experience, doing it when you don't want to only ends in tears (that's from the eyes as well as tears to the sensitive tissue around the butt). Go slow, use lots of lube, push out to relax the muscle and start small - a finger or a small butt plug to begin with and go from there. We've got a whole section of arse related resources here.
We recommend the Bend Over Beginner Kit because it's great value for money and lets you experiment. You need lots of arousal, a good position like doggy, plenty of lube and the push out to relax the sphincter. Don't thrust too much and keep talking...
A less than firm erection can have many different causes. It's normal for erections to lessen in rigidity over time and it's normal to not be fully hard every time you have sex. Often it relates to surgery, lifestyle, stress and medication. If you've had surgery on the prostate then we recommend the Post Prostate Cancer Treatment Rehab Pump Kit. The good old cock ring however, is your best bet if you want to maintain longer and harder erections.
If you want something internal we have loads of non-phallic shapes like the Silk, Magnum or Bouncer. If you'd like to add some vibration to the vulva, we love the Pom to use between your bodies. The Liberator Wedge will transform your oral experience by providing angle and comfort.
The 'death grip' is a common issue among regular hand masturbators. The penis becomes so used to a hard hand that a soft vagina doesn't bring you to orgasm anymore. Try the Tenga Egg, Cup or Flip Hole for masturbating instead.
Don't we all! And there's an amazing new toy just for you!
If you're a trans man, the Tenga Eggs are a great way you to masturbate with your growing penis. An external stimulator like the Pom is a flexible shape with a small nub at the tip and feels approachable on any part of the body. And the She-ology vaginal dilator kit is wonderful for trans women to enable slow and comfortable widening of the vaginal canal.
And what better excuse to masturbate? Lock the door, relax and get out your vibrator. 99% of our vibrators are completely waterproof and perfect to use in the shower or spa. The Womanizer Air Pressure toys work even better under water because the seal over the clitoris is better than ever.
The We-Vibe Sync or the budget version the Match is the original product made truly for hetero couples. It's a small C shape vibe that hugs the vulva and vagina at the same time. You can wear it alone or during PIV sex so you both feel it. And a vibrating cock ring gives both partners stimulation by vibrating through the penis and connecting with her clit on contact.
Or maybe it's the kids in the next room! That question gets put to us all the time - from both parties. So if you want something external, try the Flirty Bullet. A quiet internal would be the Sassy, Amy or Echo. And the quietest rabbit would be the Soft Cherish. And a gag is always handy:)
Maybe you've had a partner that's never brought you to orgasm but that doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself. Sometimes we rely on others for our sexual pleasure rather than ourselves. Investing in a vibrator can have a hugely positive impact on self worth and confidence that can have positive ripple effects throughout your life.
We love the Wildhide deluxe harness because it's good looking, secure and multi-talented. You can change the rings to fit any size dildo, take the backing piece off so you can use the Share or MeToo Probe and feel comfortable and in control all at the same time. Buying a harness online can be hard. Ask yourself these questions to narrow it down.
]]>We'd LOVE to hear any of your questions and recommendations about how, where and when to use a vibrator. Bring them on!Sign up to our newsletter to stay on top of blogs, new products and cat gifs!
We asked the lawyer and mindfulness practitioner Peggy Kerdo to share her experiences around perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause as a cis lesbian woman. The following piece has been adapted from Peggy’s presentation at the Adelaide Better Together Conference held in February 2023.
Peggy Kerdo: Here's a bit about me. I am 61, a lawyer, and a student currently completing a Master of Sexology at Curtin University. I’m also a mother and a grandmother, a child of Greek immigrants, and a cis woman that identifies as a lesbian. While I have no medical expertise or training, I have learnt a lot about my stories, my body and my mind in my transition through perimenopause to postmenopause. I’m sharing how my personal experience of sex changed, because I found the whole experience confusing, distressing and completely lacking in information that was not of a medical nature.
There was – and still is – very little information on positive and affirming experiences of sex for postmenopausal lesbians. So, I am going to start this conversation and share some guidance based on my experience, because I am passionate about encouraging all postmenopausal lesbian women to engage with their sexual being, if that is what they want.
For the record, postmenopausal lesbian sex is incredible, mind-blowing and so very joyous, but the postmenopausal body responds differently. What may have brought you to orgasm before menopause may not work in the same way, if at all. Getting in touch with your sexual body after menopause requires willingness, commitment, curiosity, patience, love, practise, play, and a whole lot of courage. But there isn’t enough positive, safe and accessible information on nurturing and exploring lesbian sexual vitality post menopause.
Most of what we learn about the ageing postmenopausal body is through a lens of medicine, so we’re met with fearful words like ‘atrophy’, ‘dry’, ‘brittle’, ‘prolapse’, and ‘incontinence’. While the effects of a lack of oestrogen on the body do need to be understood and managed, and medicine can provide blessed relief from some of the symptoms – that’s not all there is. What about sex? What about information on how to discover postmenopausal libido – which is not the same as premenopausal libido. Where is this information? Where is this advice? Is it any wonder that this phase of our lives exacerbates isolation and invisibility?
While this is common for people who experience menopause, lesbians have to deal with stereotypes around companionship and false concepts like lesbian bed death.
Our psyches are infiltrated with insidious ideas of sex between women not lasting, and of the inevitability of staid, placid, and non-threatening companionships in old age. And if lesbians are invisible before menopause, they are even more so postmenopause, because the idea that ageing lesbians have earth-shattering sex is even more unpalatable and unbelievable to the heteronormative patriarchal system. To articulate my point, let’s look at one of my pet hates – lesbian bed death or LBD.
The concept of lesbian bed death came out of research from the United States in the early 1980s. Data was collected from thousands of people regarding how often they had sex. According to the study almost 800 participants identified as lesbian. When the researchers analysed the data, they stated that lesbian sex in couples decreased markedly over a number of years. This data has been roundly critiqued. Firstly, all intimate relationships showed a decrease in sex activity as the years progressed. Secondly, and most importantly, the definition of what sex actually was in those studies (understood as penetrative sex) was not even questioned.
A great 2021 article that looked at LBD suggested that, “Rather than accept the label ‘lesbian bed death’ as characterising these sexual relationships, we [could] turn our attention to what we call lesbian bed intimacies: the myriad ways that lesbian women incorporate behaviours promoting emotional connection, romance, and mood setting, as well as relying on a wide variety of specific sexual acts (e.g., use of sex toys) and sexual communication.”
But the idea of lesbian bed death still is pervasive within and beyond the lesbian community. There is fear when sex stops. There’s not enough affirming, encouraging information out there about a possible natural lessening of sexual activity in an intimate relationship. More specifically, there isn’t enough information within the community about the change in sexual activity and libido for postmenopausal lesbians. So that’s what we’re up against in our society and community. But what gets in the way of us personally exploring our postmenopausal body and sexuality?
Shame, fear and grief stand in our way of unlocking deep, life-changing pleasure and joy within our very own bodies after menopause.
Shame-filled narratives tell us that wrinkles, sagging skin, hair under the chin and droopy boobs are ugly and unattractive – and we buy into it. We’re told that wanting sexual connection in an ageing body is embarrassing, perverse, shameful, and comical.
Fear sets in. As the body ages and no longer responds in ways so taken for granted in youth, fear of death, pain, isolation and rejection becomes more present. The frightening inevitability of growing old becomes crystal clear. It’s terrifying to see the end of the conveyor belt so clearly. It is easier to curl up and feel safe within the ‘known’ during the later stages of our lives.
Finally, we feel profound grief at the loss of the young, strong and trustworthy body. In so many ways, every day the body reminds us that youth has so very, very quickly passed.
Taking steps into a joyful and playful exploration of this postmenopausal body involves acknowledging and compassionately holding space for shame, fear and grief.
To feel what is going on in the body, you must be able to tune in. Better yet, find tools to help you connect and remain connected. The tool that helps me is mindfulness. And I’m talking about a real, consistent mindfulness practice after completing an accredited mindfulness course, specifically an eight-week program.
Why eight? Neuroscience tells us that it takes approximately eight weeks for new neural pathways to be formed at any age. Developing mindfulness is like engaging in a new bodywork program – like the gym, Pilates, barre, or yoga. You have to be taught the right way to do it and maintain it. Sorry – an app won’t cut it, nor will a weekend program. Find a reputable provider – like Openground, here in Australia – and commit. The courses provided by Openground focus on tuning in to the body and the senses and staying present for whatever is there.
And I do mean this in the sense of both getting in touch with sex-positive resources AND literally developing a practice of touching yourself. You do not need a partner to explore your sexuality. Find a qualified sexologist. Investigate tantra. Surround yourself with sex-positive resources, like Passionfruit based in Naarm/Melbourne. Read their blogs. Watch their videos. Have a look at their workshops. Better yet, go to some of the workshops! Have a Tantric yoga massage! You might find that orgasms do change after menopause. The clitoral orgasm may be inconsistent, but G-spot, A-spot and C-spot orgasms may just split your world. But you have to learn, you have to practise, and you have to play. As you play and explore, different sensations build. The body learns and it remembers everything, and all of a sudden you will experience a different kind of pleasure, joy and even ecstasy.
When we tune in and work with the body, pain and trauma may come up. If this happens, and you want to open-up and explore your body, find a good trauma-centred psychotherapist to support you. You will know if body exploration is right for you. Stay, if you can, if it is right for you. Listen to your body and to your heart – they are always right. And know that it is completely OK to stop if it becomes too frightening or painful. There is no failure.
Menopause is a transition to a new body, a new way of experiencing the world, just as puberty once was. And it is not an ending, but another beginning. It takes courage to again step into unknown territory when we are older. And it is worth it – this body, right now, can bring so much surprise, joy and transcendence.
We are only in this body for this lifetime. If you want to fully embody this one, wild and precious life, remember: tune in, get in touch and stay – if you can.
David A Frederick, Brian Joseph Gillespie, Janet Lever, Vincent Berardi, Justin R Garcia 5 Frederick DA, Gillespie BJ, Lever J, Berardi V, Garcia JR. Debunking Lesbian Bed Death: Using Coarsened Exact Matching to Compare Sexual Practices and Satisfaction of Lesbian and Heterosexual Women. Arch Sex Behav. 2021 Nov;50(8):3601-3619. doi: 10.1007/s10508-021-02096-4. Epub 2021 Nov 1. PMID: 34725751.
I arrive at the peep show before 9 am. My coworker and I stand in front of the heater, drinking our Up&Go, which we call ‘Up&Ho’. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and let my dildo take a light shower under the faucet after being drenched in toy cleaner. On the side of the basin, small mounds of ash pile up under signs that stress, ‘Any girls caught smoking will be fired. No second warning’. These signs are decor and hold no weight at all. Really, they’re designed to create the illusion of a management out there, who cares about health regulations. I believe one would have to set fire to a patron, sending smoke signals to head office, to get an actual warning. The walk from the bathroom back through the cinema is like this weird, reality zone. It’s the only place without red lighting. Instead, it has that fluorescent reality lighting, and reality is the last thing anyone wants in an adult entertainment complex. Each end of the corridor has a heavy fire door. Strip lights line the ceiling like brutalisers of truth. They evoke the same yucky feeling of walking into a supermarket when you have done drugs, but you’re not even really high anymore. Well, not even good-high anymore and everyone is sort of turning into dogs. The feeling where you catch a glimpse of yourself on a reflective surface, and it's very not good. Except here, the reflective surface is your client, and when you told them – while in the youthful glow of red lighting – that you were 24 and studying fashion, it was very believable. But, in this fluorescent hall we are all subject to reality; it is very not good. Instead, you are standing in this bright mid-zone that could be a heaps-regular urban backdrop and we could be any civilian just being heaps regular. But, everyone knows everyone is a huge pervert, and it's like maybe 5 am and smells like a cum dumpster and you both look like dogs. It’s real real. I return to the safe darkness of the cinema. The 24-hour erotica allows lovers of motion pictures to indulge at any time of day. And in it now, sits a gentleman sprawled over several seats. He is drinking a can of beer and has an open plastic Coles bag full of cheese and canned lager. He is soaking-in the high life. He is basically an advert for Christmas. What a little delight. He calls across the aisle to me, ‘Help, I need your help’. But of course, my love, this is why I am here. Then, my little Christmas nugget shouts the words, ‘golden shower’. I step closer, and on doing so a pungent wave of urine fills my nostrils then my lung cavity. I just inhaled your liquid waste. We are basically bessies already. We stare into each other, and it is beautiful, because he knows I’m gonna give him what he wants. And I know he is gonna give me what I want, and we have found each other. And while it’s sort of early for this kind of arrangement, things are as they should be. With a toothbrush in one hand and a dildo in the other, still half in civ wear, (tracksuit pants with a rolled up box dress), my flowing blonde wig pushed back, shattering any illusion that it was mine beyond in an ownership sense; we really are working through this together. No one is judging, and his pants seem to have fallen from a snug hip-placement to more of a knee area configuration – and it’s fine. He is perfect, he is everything I want right now and in this moment he lets me know. ‘You’re just wonderful, I like you much more than the girl yesterday.’ Well, I shan’t play into favourites, all the workers here are divine creatures, they are my comrades. But I shall accept that compliment and return it in my mind by saying, ‘I like you more than the only other movie-lover in the cinema’. I know this guy will accept second-place in this fake ranking we have going on. He’s just so happy that they’re playing some kind of college-sluts-love-cum, horny melodrama, and I am invisible to him in his moment of personal pleasures. It's just me and my guy together. He has yet to offer me any beer or cheese, but that’s ok, I shan't offer him any of the items I am holding either. We are here together. We are connecting, and in our connection, we are accepting the nature of capitalism in our relationship. For sure, there are different approaches to a pricing system and the most popular method is not static, it varies. Day girls and night girls have different systems. We soon discover that yesterday's girls had given him a golden shower at a price that I would not be matching. Maybe Sunday's girl is full of grace or many other delights. Monday’s girl is cold and looking to bank, which then made him question for a moment if he really did like me more, as previously stated. I tell him, ‘no one else is even here, so it’s me or go home with a hard-on and a dry mouth’. The thing about no one else being there is a lie, and I feel like a poor colleague for two seconds. After all, would they do that to me? It’s hard to say. And, although I believe I am a ‘nice one’, capitalism is not a holistic structure. It's too late now, I’ve already said it, so this is what we’re working with. He says, ‘yes’ and our negotiation is complete. When you are exceedingly desperate to drink a nice lady’s wee at your local strip club, your bargaining skills become greatly diminished…
To hear the rest of the story, and learn all about Queenie’s upcoming performances, follow her on Instagram @nice.bon.bon and check out her merch at https://nicebonbon.bigcartel.com.
]]>For the record, there is no wrong or right time to decide you’re ready to become sexually active, but there is a lot of information you can gain going into sex that can help your health, safety and enjoyment.
Sex education in Australian schools is notoriously incomprehensive and often leaves teens and young adults underprepared for the realities of sex. This may also be accompanied by growing up in a community where one does not feel safe or comfortable asking about the ins and outs of sex. So I welcome you to a short and sweet blog going over some very necessary basics.
Just to disclose, there is no way that one blog, guide or book can educate you on the entirety of sex, but there are so many resources out there for you, so continue to read and converse and gather information if that is what you desire.
First and foremost on our list for ‘Sex 101’ is barriers, such as condoms and dental dams. Condoms and dental dams are the only things that can help protect you from sexually transmitted infections (STI’s). Even if you are on birth control you should always use a barrier with a new partner until you have both been tested for STI’s. Non-penetrative sex can still result in STI’s as you can contract and pass them on through oral sex, so it is safest to use a dental dam when engaging in cunnilingus or analingus, and a condom for fellatio.
You may think that condoms are a ‘one size fits all’ deal, but there is a broad range of sizes and types of condoms to consider. If you have a vulva and are buying condoms for when the time comes it is best to buy a regular fit. If you are buying condoms for yourself or with your partner, then you can better gauge the right size for you.
Most condoms will display their sizing in millimetres somewhere on the packet. Regular condoms tend to be about 53mm in diameter, which should work for most, but to get safest and comfiest wear out of a condom you will want to find the ideal size for you. The next big distinction with condoms is the material that they are made from. The most common you will find are latex condoms, the only real issue with latex is that people can be allergic to the material, causing unpleasant irritation. Note that, it is not uncommon to develop a latex allergy later in life so if you start to become irritated by them suddenly just make the simple shift to non-latex barriers which are usually made from synthetic rubber.
Lastly, it is never a good idea to rely on the other person to have condoms. If you intend to have sex, it is always best to carry some with you. And the same applies for dental dams for vulva owners that do not partake in penetrative sex.
Next on our list of important sex tips is: lube. All of us here at Passionfruit are big fans of lube, especially using the right lube for you. Now considering the small selection stocked at grocery stores and pharmacies it may not have occurred to you that there is a lot to know about lube.
There are three major types of lubes, water-based, silicone and oil. Water-based covers all your bases, which is why it’s always good to have some on-hand and to find one that works well for you. Water-based lubricant is the only lube compatible with silicone toys, so be sure that if you’re using lube with a silicone toy that it is water based. The water-based lubricants that you tend to find at grocery stores or pharmacies almost always contain glycerine and or parabens; both ingredients are damaging in the short and long term for the skin and mucous membrane of vaginas. They also tend to be hyperosmotic, which can negatively affect the long-term production of self-lubrication for vulva owners. Shop on the safe side, and buy your lubes from sex shops, and remember to always look at the ingredient list to make sure there isn’t any glycerine and or parabens in it.
Silicone lubricant is the most hypoallergenic lube you can get as your body cannot absorb any of it. Unfortunately, however, silicone lube is not compatible with silicone toys. But, if you aren’t planning to involve any silicone toys then silicone lube is your best friend, it’s silky smooth, long lasting and the least likely to be irritating.
As for oil-based lubricants, I would encourage you to stay away from these, especially if you have a vulva. Aside from taking a long time to exit your body, making it more likely for you to develop thrush or bacterial vaginosis, oil-based lubricants are also incompatible with toys and barriers.
Orgasms plural, as it is possible to have more than just one type of orgasm, but let’s just stick to the basics for now. If you have a vulva there is a possibility of having a clitoral or internal (G-spot) orgasm. Though both orgasms come from the clitoral organ, they are summoned by different activities and one is usually much more familiar than the other.
An internal orgasm comes from penetration alone and is much less likely to be achieved for most. Unfortunately, due to unrealistic expectations from movies and pornography paired with a lack of pleasure education in schools, vulva-owners can feel shame around their inability to achieve an internal orgasm. However, statistics show us that well over half of vulva owners cannot reach climax from penetration alone, this being in no way a fault of their own. This trait is physiological, some are built for it and others aren’t. Even if you can achieve this kind of orgasm, you should still give the clitoris its well-deserved attention. With thousands of nerve endings, you’ll have the most success with pleasure and orgasms if you and your partner focus on the clitoris.
For those with male anatomy, there are also a plethora of orgasms to achieve. Due to heteronormativity and stigma, most men assume that ejaculation is their one and only orgasm. However, if you are willing to explore you may find a great deal of pleasure by stimulating the P-spot (aka the prostate). Now, most of the stigma comes from the location of the prostate which is inside the anus facing towards the testicles. But if you are willing to try, you may find yourself in a whole new world of pleasure and experiencing an entirely new orgasm! And just a rule of thumb for starting off with any anal play, start small and slow, perhaps with a finger or a small butt plug just to see what the sensation is for you and if it's worth exploring more. Secondly, if you’re going to insert anything into your butt, make sure it has a flared base so that you can remove it safely.
It feels only natural to talk about actually figuring out what your preferences are after we’ve talked about orgasms. There is no one right way to experience pleasure or to engage in intimacy, every person is completely unique in their preferences and the absolute best way to figure that out is masturbation.
If you are a vulva owner, the external part of the clitoris is most likely going to be where you gain the most pleasure, but there are still subcategories to cover. For instance, what kind of stimulation do you prefer? Does it involve covering a lot of area or is it more pin-pointed? If you have a relatively large clitoral hood is there a particular part that feels better than the rest? Do you prefer it slow or fast? These are all questions that you can answer yourself by exploring during solo play. If you wish to venture inside and find your G-spot, you will most likely find it a few centimeters inside, facing upwards, it will most likely have a rough feeling to it compared to the rest of the vaginal canal. Locating your own G-spot will definitely come in handy when you are communicating with intimate partners in the future.
Not to finish off sounding like a broken record but there truly is no one right way to experience pleasure. You will however be the most successful in having a pleasure-filled intimate life if you feel safe and heard. So have those uncomfortable conversations, figure out what you like, use safety (and safe words), experiment and adventure if that’s what you want to do. Just do what’s right for you and your partner/s.
Say it with us. Pleasure is for everyone. And we’re not just talking about sexual pleasure, but the fun, kind that gives us goosebumps, wrinkles the skin on our noses and soothes us when we’re feeling anxious.
Our First Impressions content series encourages folks to see pleasure toys from a new perspective. Our latest episode with Hini Hanara (they/them) prompts us to consider toys as tools for stimulation, beyond the sexual spectrum. Eager to dive deeper, we interviewed Hini about their intersectional experience with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), asexuality and pleasure toys.
Passionfruit: Please introduce yourself, your pronouns, passions and profession(s):
Hini Hanara: Hi my name is Hini, my pronouns are they/them, my current profession is funeral worker, and I’ve just transitioned into that role from working in hospitality for quite some time. My background is fashion design, [but] I think the canvas of my art has always kind of come back to the body.
P: You’ve recently featured in our First Impressions content. How would you describe your relationship with pleasure toys and more broadly, the sensuality space?
HH: [Shooting First Impressions], I think, even after all the work, shame still creeps in there. And then there’s the other side of me that’s like ‘this is so naughty’... So, on first impression, there’s a resistance of wanting to go ‘ugh this is amazing’, because I find that really artificial. So instead, I just try to let myself just be the kid that I am, and feel it out. And that’s one of the better traits of being neurodivergent, is that you appreciate tactile things and sensations differently and it does feel magical when you explore that space.
P: What about when toys are tied to sex?
HH: When it’s tied to sex or intimacy with a partner, I’m just like, bored. Because I’ve masturbated for years and years and years, and I know what my body wants and how it responds, no partner could ever really match that – there’s no way.
P: The sex and sensuality space tends to avoid addressing asexuality. What would you like to see more of in this space to feel heard, seen and included?
HH: I just feel like I’m at a lot of intersections: mixed race, indigenous person of colour, queer, female-bodied and gender non-conforming; statistically I’m not meant to survive. So, I think I’ve kind of already built a lot of internal systems to keep myself safe and guarded. I wouldn’t trust that anyone could get it right, …but there’s so much to be said when you feel a little bit acknowledged, and kind of seen.
Things that I’ve been looking for in this space include non-binary porn or pleasure videos. I also appreciate that the toy range at Passionfruit don’t all look like penises, they look like toys. The kind where I just want to get a big candy dispenser, put in a big coin, turn it and trot off with my big toy in a bubble.
It’s bigger than just sex, it’s the way we relate to sex, it’s so diverse for every single person. I think whenever I go into a space that talks about sex, my experience in every other aspect is I’ll either be looking in the plus-size section or the weird section or whatever fringe section, because there is a kind of safety or a skill that you create for yourself in the fringe, in being able to find safety there. And if it’s not there, I’ll build it.
P: Could you please describe stimming?
HH: Stimming is extra sensory stimulation, so really good for ADHD and ASD when you’re feeling under-stimulated and anxious and bored and you want other stimulation.
P: What advice, information or education did you wish you’d had growing up?
HH: I think anything would’ve been good, to be honest. I went to a high school that didn’t promote sex education, ‘cause we weren't supposed to have sex before marriage. Strangely, we had the highest rate of pregnancy in New Zealand.
My biggest thing was body shame, and having shame around my body because bodies were something to hide and be ashamed of, not to be flaunted and explored. Not even for myself, because that was wrong and masturbation was frowned upon in religion.
P: Finally, what can you recommend in the way of toys for trans bodies?
HH: I have a vagina but I'm not really happy about that, so it's hard to think about pleasure when it comes from a part of me that causes confusion. The closest pieces I have come across, that seem to come close to pleasuring my clitoris without screaming 'you have a vagina', are the double-ended dildos. One, in particular, has straps around the legs which help to hold it in place, helpful for those who expand a lot when aroused. It gives me the sensation that I'm wearing a mask or costume of sorts where I'm not so "on display". All I want is to have non-binary genitals, is that so hard to ask?
Beyond cumming and climaxes, vibrators and dildos and butt plugs (oh my!) help us access and stimulate parts of our bodies (and minds) that we may not always attend to. So the next time you pick up a Doxy wand, you may want to consider its potential, beyond the big O.
Keen to see Hini review some scintillating stimmers?
Watch the latest clips from our First Impressions series on the Passionfruit Youtube Channel.
The prospect of not being able to achieve, or maintain an erection can cause such deep grief and loss that many abandon sexual intimacy entirely.
The consequences of this, together with dealing with a health crisis, can be a breakdown of existing and future relationships.
As difficult as it can be to feel fully sexual and intimate with a partner after prostate surgery or erectile dysfunction, many can – and do – go on to have deep and fulfilling sexual lives.
In many cases, a fuller sexuality is experienced.
The way that we define sex greatly affects our expectations around the act. Is it strictly penetrative? Is sex something we can do alone? And what about phone sex?
Additionally, some people believe that sex progresses in a certain order – foreplay, penetration, orgasm - if they're lucky. Besides being super limiting, these perceptions can make it very difficult (and disatisfying) to achieve a rich sexual life.
Once it is let go of however, the doors open to reveal a myriad of powerful and loving experiences. Recent research concludes that the people having the most satisfying sex are in the over 70's age group. Clearly a full erection is not an issue for many couples.
Limited function of the penis doesn't stop a person, or their partner, from enjoying each other's bodies. When the mind stops relying on the strength of the erection or ejaculation, and focuses more fully on the sensation of touch and sensuality - arousal and intimacy is the result. Once the brain understands and accepts this fact, an entirely new sexual pathway is opened.
Encourage each other to explore massage, all over tongue worship, edible oils, bondage (from very light blindfolds and cuffs to nipple clamps and spanking for example), fantasy, games, anal play and sex toys.
A soft penis can be inserted a little way into a mouth, a butt, or an open vagina for soft penetration and a vibrating erection ring can be used on a non or semi erect penis to stimulate other genitals simultaneously.
There are several pleasure toys that we recommend that can help achieve a fuller and stronger erection and that can be incorporated in to your partnered sessions or masturbation.
Place the penis inside the pump, through the silicone sleeve. Squeeze the pump until you have created a vacuum inside the tube and you have the desired size. The vacuum works to draw the blood to the penis and create an erection. If erection is achieved, use an erection ring to maintain it.
Using a pump as soon as you can post surgery, is a great way to restore blood flow through to the penis again. Regular use, without lovemaking in mind, can encourage your body and your brain to reconnect these pleasure pathways through healthy blood flow. Anecdotally, customers report a "7/10 erection" compared to before surgery. We encourage you to give it a crack as there are no negative side-effects and it is an inexpensive alternative to injections, viagra and further surgery. The psychological benefit of seeing yourself with an erection cannot be underestimated.
We have a Post Prostate Cancer Treatment Rehabilitation Kit that contains everything you need to give your penis a good workout post surgery, containing a pump, a constriction ring and lubricant to create a vacuum seal (plus comprehensive instructions). You can order it here.
The erection ring works best when placed around either the penis, the testicles or both. If you have achieved a semi or full erection, use the ring to trap the blood inside and keep it from flowing back out too quickly. Spread some lubricant around the penis and testicles and stretch the ring fully so you can place either just the penis or both the penis and testicles through. It should fit nice and firmly without being too loose or too tight. Erection rings also intensify orgasm as the blood stays in the penis for longer.
This toy was originally designed using pulsation technology engineered by the medical industry, to help penis-owners with spinal injuries to ejaculate for fertility purposes. The Pulse is a great toy that stimulates the head of the penis as well as the length, in particular the more sensitive frenulum through pulsing vibration. A flaccid penis can be placed on the toy, with the vibration working to stimulate blood flow around the head and shaft. This pleasure toy can also be used to achieve an erection or as a masturbating device to maintain sensation. Order it here.
In many ways, The Cobra is similar to The Pulse, but the vibration is concentrated solely at the head of the penis.The penis is placed inside the toy and the vibration stimulates the entire head. Order it here.
When erection is impossible, a strap on harness can be used. The dildo is hollow so that a man can have his penis inside the dildo and still penetrate his partner. The Armour Knight in the picture below is a brilliant hollow strap on. Also available are the Spareparts Deuce and the Perfect Fit Zoro.
Both of the latter are not hollow but allow you to use a dildo and/or your penis alternately.
When the penis isn't in the picture as much as before, it's great to have a full arsenal of sex toys to experiment with. Using a dildo or vibrator together can be reeeeally sexy and open up a whole world of possibility and pleasure. See our 'How To Choose A Vibrator' section of the website if you need help or drop into the store for some personal advice.
When surgery, injections or drugs aren't an option for you, experiment with different lovemaking experiences, without orgasm and ejaculation being the goal.
As with all sexual changes, prostate cancer can provide an opportunity to find new ways of giving and receiving pleasure. Sometimes a loss of libido is experienced after prostate surgery. If this is affecting the quality of your relationships and you need further help in navigating your sexual experiences, talk to your GP or contact Victoria at atouchysubject.com for help in dealing with these issues.]]>Cheap, smokey and blokey. If you asked me to reflect on what adult stores were like 25-years ago, I would’ve said that they were much like public bars of the ‘70s; shady places frequented mostly by men. But unlike the redundant public bar, folks were actually allowed to go into adult shops, even if they were, unfortunately for many, unwelcoming places.
Like the public bars of my adolescence, adult stores of the ‘90s felt like a destination, designed exclusively for blokes; somewhere they bought explicit magazines and videos; maybe a sex toy for ‘the missus’. But, with time, conversation and advances in technology, this destination is changing.
Imagine stepping off Melbourne’s Elizabeth Street and into a real-life PornHub (if it existed IRL), a black-windowed abyss complete with tits, spread legs, giant dicks and glory holes, back entrances and booths. And if you were really lucky, you could catch the latest skin-flick at the in-house cinema – next to some guy pulling one off. This was the average adult shop of the ‘90s. But, just like PornHub and public bars, it’s fair to say that life – and the adult industry – has evolved a lot.
The year Passionfruit opened, Bill Clinton was getting down and dirty with Monica Lewinsky, Celine Dion topped the charts and you could smoke in restaurants. It was a time when sexism was embedded within our psyche, but we didn’t understand the extent of it, let alone have the words to describe it. And while it was the year that Sex and The City first aired, it was an age before women would tweet, blog and share their experiences; before we’d established vernacular around ‘coercive control’, ‘gaslighting’ and ‘inappropriate behaviour’.
There was no #metoo, #slutwalk or #thesexismproject. And so, in 1998, a sex shop for women wasn’t something the imagination could easily conjure (a bit like trying to imagine a female toilet queue without a line in 2023), but it was something that our society was lacking and slowly shifting towards.
Since establishing Passionfruit, we have seen literally millions of virtual sex shops aimed at the female market,with a never ending range of products both good and not-so-good. Today, the act of walking into one and choosing products for yourself remains, in my mind, a radical feminist act. Yet, there are still surprisingly few bricks and mortar stores and pleasure is still a right that we need to fight for, just like our right to vote, divorce and work.
Reflecting on 25-years of Passionfruit encompasses so much more than just considering the evolution of the sex toy or the ‘wellness’ industry; it has since become a part of it all. Passionfruit is a reflection of female sexual expression in the new millennium; a response to Google entering our lives and catalysing our conversations about sex, oppression and rage.
Today, the sexual representation of women that Passionfruit was founded on has expanded to resonate within all of us – the women, men and all of the full and glorious identities across the LGBTQIA+ community – that the industry has previously ignored and failed to find the words for. Our business was created as an act of rebellion, reflection and recognition of all of us who weren’t made for the underground sex shops of yesteryear. The folks who felt left out of mainstream erotica, inexperienced and undersexed. Those of us who felt both too much and not enough for the sex shops available to us at the time.
Only with hindsight, can we see that the past quarter of a century signifies not only a tremendous leap for both female and queer sexual autonomy, but for our enlightenment about sensuality, sexual health, passion and pleasure as a society. That’s what makes it so difficult to reflect upon. A revolution has happened and we haven’t even noticed. Maybe it’s because every year brings exciting progress, or reminders that some things never change.
What we’ve learned is that the industry is growing and making room for more of us than ever before. And we’ve not only witnessed it, but been part of it, every step of the way. In the last 25-years, we may have changed our range, image and, more recently, our location. But, what hasn’t changed is our connection with community, and our belief that there’s room for all of us; our discoveries, our preferences, our identities, our experiences, our pleasures.
While you might be feeling much better emotionally and mentally, more stable, more in control, experiencing a detachment from your desire can be pretty devastating – not just for partners, but for your relationship with yourself.
Even if you aren’t taking any medication, having low interest in sex is normal. Having an elevated interest in sex is normal. Having zero interest in sex is normal. As Emily Nagoski puts it in, Come As You Are, “Treat cultural messages about sex and your body like a salad bar. Take only the things that appeal to you and ignore the rest. We’ll all end up with a different collection of stuff on our plates, but that’s how it’s supposed to work. It goes wrong only when you try to apply what you picked as right for your sexuality to someone else’s sexuality…”. This might mean reimagining what sex can be, rather than what the mainstream media portrays it to be.
Whether you’ve lost tactile sensation due to physical injury, surgery or disability, or experience dulled sensations due to medication or other mental health struggles, we’re here to remind you that the brain is a cunning agent of change; capable of cultivating and amplifying sensation. As Rebecca Bedell and Lafayette Matthews suggest in Bang!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities, instead of focusing on what your body doesn’t or can’t do, celebrate the things it can and go from there. Society is pretty convinced about ‘what’ and ‘how’ we ought to be. But that doesn’t make it accurate or even close when it comes to our own sexual identity and abilities.
SSRI’s or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors are one of the most common classes of antidepressants prescribed in Australia. They work by regulating the levels of our favourite neurotransmitter, serotonin, and are clinically (and anecdotally) known to negatively affect libido in 60-62% of patients. The reason? SSRIs increase the levels of serotonin in your brain, preventing surrounding cells from recycling the serotonin released. This prevention creates a build up of serotonin, which keeps you feeling happy, but notably decreases your libido and even delays your ability to ejaculate.
Not all antidepressants work in the same ways. There are a bunch of medications that have been proven to address anxiety and depression without causing sexual dysfunction. Always check-in with your doctor or a medical professional to discuss the most suitable options for you.
Twelve-years ago I was advised to go on antidepressants; roughly the same time I farewelled my robust sex drive. Upping my dose, halving it, then going off and back on again, I have cried, cry-wanked, and made others cry (because I couldn’t wank). What I’ve learnt is that the brain is a marvellous, plastic, ever-changing organ that can kickstart new and exciting pleasure pathways for your whole body to enjoy; despite medication.
When you practice something pleasurable, your brain makes note and forges a stronger neural pathway to reinforce that behaviour. Forgotten old ways to cum? No worries. Map new ones and practise that pathway until it feels like a second nature.
Disclaimer
I am not a doctor and these opinions reflect my experience anecdotally. Always speak to a medical professional(s) about your situation, experience and options to find the right fit for you. Whether that’s a change of medication, a number of lifestyle changes or a combination. By any means, do not stop taking the meds you’re prescribed. It’s neither wise, nor fun, and may end in a case of the brain zaps.
If you need mental health support, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or chat online.
If you require immediate assistance, please call 000.
A VIBRATOR:
A FACE: Who said you need a pillow?
A PILLOW, TEDDY BEAR, BLANKET: These are probably the most common hump toys. Strap on a vibe to take it to the next level.
SEX FURNITURE: We absolutely LOVE the Liberator range - truly sex life changing! Try the Liberator Bon Bon or The Humphrey Pillow. Or use what’s on hand. The arm of the couch or the corner of the mattress.
YOUR LOVER: Legs, torsos, faces, genitals. All brilliant humping and grinding apparatus.
SHOWERHEADS AND SPA JETS: Try running water over your clitoris, labia, penis or butt. If you like it rough and you have a spa...(just don't allow the water to shoot into any of your orifices).
YOUR FOOT: If you can cross your legs and grind against your heel, it makes doing yoga a lot more fun.
A SEX MACHINE: Who needs daily exercise when you can squat over one of these every morning? The Cowgirl keeps you fit AND satisfied! Throw a blanket over the top if it’s a bit intense.
CLOTHING: Try different types of clothing to get you off. Perhaps it’s a seam in a pair of jeans or wearing a pair of silk knickers. Boxer shorts made of lace or satin can be super erotic when you only ever wear cotton.
LUBE: Slick up your genitals with some silicone lube before a bike ride or before rubbing and squeezing your legs together until you cum.
ADD SOME ON FOR HER / ON FOR HIM: A drop on the clitoris or slathered on the penis is a sure fire way to dial up the heat.
BUTT PLUG: Want to really ramp up your grinding and humping? Wear a butt plug. The NJoy stainless steel are incredible or the Aneros for when you’re tightening your pelvic floor are Next. Level!
IN PUBLIC: Kiss and grind with your lover against a tree or at a party or dirty dance next time the music is right. You’ll feel sixteen again.
OK I’m off to ride my horse now.
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The best lubricants can give your sex life a bigger boost than any other single product and bestow untold health benefits. This simple bedroom addition can literally transform your sexual landscape. We call great lube “your first sex toy”.
]]>The best lubricants can give your sex life a bigger boost than any other single product and bestow untold health benefits. This simple bedroom addition can literally transform your sexual landscape.
We call great lube “your first sex toy”.
The worst lubricants, on the other hand, may cause infertility, increase your risk of cancer and even make you more susceptible to HIV.
Studies have shown that quality water based lubricants have a positive difference in vagina owner’s lives. They add to the pleasure of sexual activity and give psychological support.
They can drastically reduce feelings of irritation, dryness and pain and positively impact relationships and health.
Silicone based lubes can transport sex from ordinary to extraordinary. Such a product should enjoy a booming market, and yet lubricant is still considered to be a medical ‘need’ associated with sexual dysfunction, which is ultimately shaming for those who feel they’re not able to become adequately aroused on their own.
Quality lubricant should be sold as a luxury product. At present, lubricant is only available in supermarkets, pharmacies and adult stores. As a retail category, lubricant is misunderstood and underrepresented. Although quality lube has far reaching effects on the lives of those who collectively represent an extremely powerful and wealthy consumer group, it is sexier to buy anti-wrinkle cream than it is to buy lube! It could be sold in department stores, boutiques and high end cosmetic stores.
There are a plethora of lubricants on the market. Many add to the pleasure of sex but most aren’t body safe and are largely untested and unregulated. Many products do not even display the ingredients on the pack and the worst offenders are used widely within the medical community (see the diagram below).
The FDA do not regulate many female intimate products, including tampons, sex toys and lubricants. (Our pets enjoy higher regulatory practises on their chewable toys). These products are inserted directly into the vagina and rectum and their toxicity can be absorbed into the bloodstream.
Supermarket and pharmacy lubes generally fall within the ‘worst lubricant’ category. Many contain the same ingredients that you find in hairsprays and mouthwash. Possibly the best known lubricant, KY Jelly, can damage or kill fragile vaginal cells, increase the risk of STI’s and the transmission of HIV, dehydrate the vagina, cause thrush and irritation, kill sperm cells and affect fertility.
Most contain parabens that may be carcinogenic and glycerin that can lead to a higher susceptibility to thrush as well as upsetting the delicate balance of the vaginal pH. Lubricant is a lifesaver for the many women who have undergone chemotherapy and radiation treatment and yet many of the best known lubricants contain harmful and potentially carcinogenic ingredients.
Top tip: After your next pap smear, don’t have sex for three days because you are at a higher risk of getting an STI. Or, bring your own lube!
Vaginal and rectal cells form a basic but important function. They help keep the area moist and prevent dirt and bacteria from entering into the body. Poor quality lubricant can damage these cells allowing pathogens to enter the body more readily, increasing the likelihood of infection and disease. A January 2012 study published by the U.S. National Library of Medicine and the National Institute of Health, concluded that “lubricant products may increase vulnerability to STI’s” Additionally, “when the protective lining of the rectum or the vagina becomes damaged, one of the body’s normal defense mechanisms is weakened.”
‘Osmolality’ is the concentration of dissolved particles within cells. Vaginal cells are fluid and are constantly attempting to maintain an equilibrium of osmolality (kind of like water pressure)in order to function at optimum levels. The osmolality of vaginal secretions is measured at 260-290 and the body is always trying to maintain that harmony. When another fluid is introduced, their osmolalities combine and a balance is attempted. It is this attempt that can damage or kill the endothelial cells. The higher the osmolality of the introduced liquid, the harder the cells will try to maintain harmony and the higher the risk of cell damage. Most lubricants have an osmolality of between 1000 and 10,000.
Fun Fact: Human semen has an osmolality of between 350-380
When a lubricant has a higher osmolality than the body’s cells then it is ‘hyper-osmotic’. Hyper-osmotic lube can cause irritation, make you more susceptible to STI’s, can remove some mucous membrane, rupture cell membranes and cause cell death.
If lube osmolality is lower than the body’s, the fluid from the lube saturates the cells (is radically absorbed) causing the potential for the cells to rupture
If lube has a higher osmolality than the body, mucous cells push out their water to dilute the lube (it squeezes the cells dry)!
Suggested osmolality is between 380 and 1200
A lube osmolality over 1500 causes cell death
When cells within the mucous membrane are compromised, infection rate is higher
the first three ingredients are water, glycerin and propylene glycol
the osmolality is too high or too low
it doesn’t have an osmolality of between 150 and 1200
It contains harmful ingredients
GLYCERIN (sugar alcohol) as it leads to yeast infection and increases osmolality
PROPYLENE GLYCOL (a petrochemical that increases osmolality)
NONOXYNOL 9 (a spermicide). It makes cell membranes more permeable allowing pathogens to enter, kills good bacteria and causes irritation. In addition to being a powerful spermicide, it also damages the cell lining of the vagina and rectum, thus increasing the risk of HIV infection in the people tested. And yet, nonoxynol-9 is still used on condoms today.
CHLORHEXIDINE GLUCONATE - found in KY, mouthwash and the stuff they use for pap smears. It kills viruses and bacterias but kills all the good stuff too. After a pap smear you are more susceptible to pathogen transmission for 2-4 days. (Bring your own lube)
PETROLEUM OIL - can lead to bacteria overgrowth
POLYQUATERNIUM-15 - causes increase transmission of HIV
BENZOCAINE - (a numbing agent). Can cause irritation and potential injury
PARABENS - (preservatives) Possibly carcinogenic. Can be allergenic
PHENOXYETHANOL - (used as an alternative to parabens) Can irritate eyes and skin and depress nervous system.
Is iso-osmotic (meaning it has the same hydration levels as the body) and keeps the cells in perfect harmony. A woman’s vaginal secretions (her natural lubrication) have an osmolality of 260-290. Human semen is 250-380. Most lubricants are 1000 to over 10,000
Has the same pH as the vagina (3.5-7). An imbalance of vaginal pH can lead to bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection (pH is the line of defense against sperm and bacterial infection. The pH of the lube affects the pH of the vagina directly
Contains no parabens or glycerins
Is organic
Has few ingredients
Another Fun Fact: Organic coconut oil has an osmolality of 180-340, in total harmony with the body. However, we do not recommend it as a lubricant due to how difficult it is for the body to naturally eject it. When it hangs around for too long, bacteria can form and infection result.
TO CONCLUDE
Great lube maximises sexual pleasure. It heightens sensation, reduces irritation and creates so much slippery slidey fun. It’s the sexiest product you can buy and should enjoy a huge market. For women who are menopausal, are naturally ‘dry’ - a potentially shaming description (we prefer dehydrated), using some medications or have had chemo or radiation, lubricant can change their life.
When buying lubricant, be aware that it is an unregulated product. Check ingredients and do your research. Avoid the cheap, nasty varieties and invest in quality. Water based is great all-round lube and can be used safely for every desire and situation. It’s best when used with sex toys. Oil based lube is perfect for women who suffer pain and irritation or who just like the feel of it. Silicone based lube is amazing for sex and perfect for masturbation. Always use lubricant for anal sex as their is no natural lubrication there at all and damage to the fragile tissue can result. Experiment with lubes and find one that you absolutely love. It WILL change your life.
High-osmolality lubricants can dry out your tissue and make it more susceptible to infection and disease. Of these brands reviewed, only Aloe Cadabra falls within the safest level (measured in mOsm/kg).
Sources: The World Health Organization, Pacific Bio Labs, and U.S. National Institutes of Health
http://dirtyorganics.com/coconut-oil-for-lube-the-osmolarity-factor/
https://infogr.am/Personal-Lubricant-Osmolality
http://lacigreen.tumblr.com/post/138245457595/heres-that-lube-osmolality-guide-for-water-based
http://toymeetsgirlreviews.com/2015/09/water-based-lube-what-you-should-know.html
http://toymeetsgirlreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/LubePowerPoint.S.Mueller.pdf
Lube! An In-Depth Look at Personal Lubricants
Presented by Sarah E. Mueller
]]>Dear Michelle,
I've never even had a baby but I wee my pants when I laugh and I'm only 19!!
- WTF
Leaking wee (or poo) when you laugh 'aint no laughing matter WTF.
Why you do this is usually because your pelvic floor is either too weak or too tight. And because the pelvic floor basically stops the uterus, bowel and bladder from falling out of our bodies, any weakness or tightness can result in not just leakage, but prolapse (where your uterus, bowel or bladder bulge out from your vagina or anus). Say whaaaaatttt?
(The hammock that is the pelvic floor just gives way under the pressure).
Get this WTF:
49% of all post natal women will experience prolapse
Most of our customers are aghast when we explain this to them. And we are equally aghast that it's such a little known fact.
HALF OF ALL POST NATAL WOMEN HAVE THEIR BLADDER, UTERUS OR BOWEL FALLING OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS!! WTF?
This conspiracy of oblivion leads me to the next can of worms.
WHY DON'T THE FITNESS INDUSTRY CARE ABOUT OUR PELVIC FLOORS?
Lifting heavy weights as well as high impact exercises puts immense pressure on our pelvic floors but do our gym or personal trainers EVER ask us about it? In my experience, rarely. Read this article about How To Say No To Your Personal Trainer.
(Can you feel the pelvic floor being pressured? I'm squirming)
On the other hand, an overactive (hypertonic) pelvic floor can be caused or exacerbated by core strength exercises that don't allow for relaxation leaving you with a pelvic floor that is constantly under pressure and can't relax. Painful sex? Uh huh.
(can you feel the tension?)
There are heaps of reasons (not just your style of exercise) why you might experience incontinence and why you may have pelvic floor dysfunction, including endometriosis, childbirth, constipation, menopause, being overweight etc and the trick is working out if your pelvic floor is too weak or too tight and then finding the correct types of exercise to fix it.
But how? Mish* says,
The only person who can truly answer that question is a pelvic health physiotherapist. They are physio’s who have completed extra training in the vag department (though also work with men too). An appointment with them will include lots of talking and perhaps a digital examination - (the digits on the end of their hands that is!) to assess the state of your parts. And they will give you the next steps to help you to enjoy a laugh… without the fear of weeing your pants!But there are some things that you can be thinking about:
- do you have any pain with sex / diminished orgasms / or find it difficult to insert toys or tampons?
- are you able to contract your pelvic floor without clamping on your tummy and butt muscles, or raising your eyebrows?
- are you able to feel your pelvic floor relax, after you have contracted it?
So my advice is to find out whether your pelvic floor is too weak or too strong and then address it, through exercise or via a health practitioner, depending on your circumstances.
EXERCISES TO SUPPORT OR RELAX YOUR PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLES
Too weak - isolating your muscles and squeezing them (see this video) or using pelvic strengthening beads.
Too tight - (see this video) sitting with your legs out and heels together (butterfly) and relaxing, squatting right down to the floor with your knees out and feet flat and using dilators and/or soft, slender vibrators to help ease the tension and provide muscle relieving orgasms too.
Life's a bitch sometimes WTF but the good news is that it's often fixable.
Much love and good vibes,
Michelle xxx
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* Thank you to Mish of mishwright.com who has been through her own journey of incontinence. This lead to her becoming one of the most recognised educators in women's health and fitness in Australia. Her advice has always been welcomed at Passionfruit and she freely helped me personally after my two childbirths.
Check out our other blog here on The Benefits of Kegel Balls
]]>Fin explores various forms of barrier protection (rubbers, love gloves, dingers, raincoats) for penis and strap-on owners and the folks that love them. From selecting the right material for you (latex, non latex, vegan), to size (in millimetres) and application (lube, anyone?), Fin shows you what to look for in a good fit and the importance of getting it right before getting down.
]]>Fun Fact 1: People who have vulva to vulva sex report having better, more frequent sex as well as more orgasms than their heterosexual counterparts.*
Fun Fact 2: The 2018 Match.com Singles in America report—based on a survey of 5,000 singles of all ages, ethnicities, and income levels across the U.S, found that single 66-year-old women and single 64-year-old men report having the best sex.
So if for whatever reason an erect penis isn't always on tap, or your vulva/vagina/butt no longer accepts a penis or dildo, do not fear. In fact, it might just improve your sex life!
1. GET OVER IT - Yep! The sooner you accept that hard erections aren't the mainstay of your relationship(s) the sooner you'll begin to enjoy a fuller, better sex life. If you or your partner are having difficulty accepting that reality, consider seeing a sexual counselor.
Or if your vulva/vagina doesn't love the feeling of penetration, there may be a good reason. Talk to your GP, physiotherapist or sex shop assistant. It might be as simple as using a great lube, or it may be a medical condition that can be treated. Check our resources page here.
2. CHILL OUT & TAKE TIME - Hard and fast is out, slow and sexy is in. The reason that the over 60's are enjoying sex so much is because they know a little something about long, languid sessions with no interruptions. Make up your mind to put time as well as effort into your lovemaking.
3. PLAN - When you plan, your rate of satisfaction improves. Who wants to run our of a vital ingredient in the middle of a cook up? Talk about ruining the moment! Having everything you need close by - think lube, snacks, drinks, tissues, toys, sex blanket, blindfold etc - avoids disappointment. Plus anticipation is HOT! Put SEX in your calendar.
4. TALK - When things aren't as you expect them to be, like soft penises, sore vaginas etc. then it's more important to communicate. And guess what happens when you actually talk about sex rather than just doing it? It improves! The REAL depth of sexual, intimate connectedness is about what’s going on in your mind.
5. EXPERIMENT
Fun Fact 3: Women in their 70s and 80s are some of her most active advice-seekers, and they're curious about masturbation, vibrators, and oral sex. Dr Ruth Westheimer
If you haven't already, now is the time to experiment. Visit us at Passionfruit, check out our our online store and start a wishlist. Start with great lube, then try massage oil, arousal oil, blindfolds, erection rings, vibrators and the Liberator products. Life changing!
6. OUTERCOURSE -
"Outercourse is a word that I heard over and over again among people active in the sexuality-and-ageing field. It means “everything but…” It’s lovemaking without penetration, but that involves kissing, nuzzling, hugging, oral sex… everything but. It’s pleasuring each other with sexy talk. Perhaps it’s erotica or sex toys. It’s playful and comes in quite handy as you age." Iris Krasnow
Of course, 'outercourse' comes in handy at any stage of life, for example after childbirth, post prostatectomy, during menopause etc.
7. OUTERCOURSE TECHNIQUES: Yes! Outercourse! Open up the vulva/vagina and squish your bits together. It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is - skin on skin, fingers, dildos, vibrators, sexy talk, oral sex, massage, laughter - THAT'S intimacy and THAT'S HOT!
If you enjoyed this article, you may like to read our other blog related to soft sex here.
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]]>One of the best ways to embrace the future is to be both hands-free and hands-on with remote control vibrators. Remote control devices give users the option to stimulate themselves or their partners, in-person or across the distance. Talk about pressing all the right buttons!
Remote control sex toys work with a small remote, that can be wired or wireless. Some toys are configured to work with bluetooth and can be operated with an app on your phone or computer.
Remote control sex toys often have the same features as other sex toys, but offer the opportunity to stimulate different parts of your body or use positions that would otherwise not be possible. In fact, remote control is an amazing option for people with dexterity or mobility issues. Remote control toys give not only freedom of movement, but also allow users to experiment with different positions to help make each moment much more pleasurable. Many models have apps that allow you, or your partner to create personalised vibration patterns or even connect to your favourite playlist.
For solo exploration, remote control sex toys are an excellent way to add an extra set of hands to your play sessions. You can try programming different patterns to surprise yourself, or add a bit of extra sensation as you watch Netflix or game.
For partnered play, you can let someone on the other side of the city, or the world, give you an intimate buzz while you are going about your day. Or maybe that someone might be across the dancefloor sending signals to your sexy bits while you get your twerk on. Suddenly your daily commute could be a whole lot more interesting. Make sure to get off at the next stop!
Cocktail - Rocks Off (up to 3 metres)
This remote control couples’ vibrator is one that will bless ALL the parts with deep vibration. Most importantly, there’s no need to be worried about fidgeting around with it, since it has a precision hands free control to deliver the buzz right where you need it most.
Rave by We Vibe (bluetooth enabled)
This shaft style toy stimulates the walls of the vagina and the G-Spot outstandingly. Although it's not the wearable type, you can download the free app and control the vibration and patterns through a phone. You can also compose vibration cycles, and enjoy the power of its rumbly, but whisper quiet intensity.
A session with Hugo will be one to remember. It is perfect for stimulating both the prostate and the perineum, as it combines amazing design and power. Its 12 metre remote control range means that you can experiment with loving the way each other moves from a distance,. Whether on your own or accompanied, Hugo will be a delightful addition to your sex life.
Bond by We Vibe (bluetooth enabled)
With this one Christmas will definitely come more than once a year…This vibrator stretches over the penis and can be used for stimulating the testicles during masturbation or it can be turned around for clitoral action during penetration. The twist with The Bond is that you can have remote access and video and text chat, so that you can join your lover wherever they might be. You can even create custom patterns and vibrations for your special one.
Melt by We Vibe (bluetooth enabled)
Its name says it all…. This sweet stimulator uses air pressure technology which makes for a subtle, yet explosive experience. For long distance partners, Melt pairs up to an app which lets you create custom sessions, so that you can connect and have vivid masturbation sessions with your lover. You can even use it underwater!
]]>Pleasure products that are useful for people with wide-ranging disabilities tend to have been 'adapted' for disability rather than created using disability driven design.
The folks over at Handi have long been pondering the fact that
"hundreds of millions of people around the world can’t masturbate due to hand limitations (pain, immobility, lack of dexterity, weakness etc)"
and are creating products that are informed and led by the disability community. Making products with diversity in mind is at the core of their design ethic.
Handi was founded by disability consultant and activist Andrew Gurza and innovation strategist Heather Morrison. Our resident sexologist Toya Ricci had an amazing chat with Heather about her work and the range of toys they have designed right here in Melbourne. You can listen below.
The Handi Book of Love, Lust & Disability is a must read that will make you laugh, cry and everything in between, unearthing new conversations on sex, relationships and disability. It's beautifully designed and full of raw, powerful and inspiring stories, poetry and artwork from 50 phenomenal contributors from the disabled community.
HERE ARE THREE PRODUCTS ON THE MARKET NOW that we love because of their ease and versatility of use and the way they can be employed to make sex and masturbation more accessible.
We-Vibe are the leaders in tech and their groundbreaking products have revolutionised the sex toy market. Using a phone instead of buttons to control the vibrations makes a huge difference to so many folks with hand limitations.
Chorus is the most updated version of their couples toy. They've added a soft, squishy, silicone remote that you squeeze to control the vibration. The harder you squeeze, the stronger the vibration. So when you're climaxing, you squeeze the hell out of that thing!!
One of our favourite pleasure products of ALL TIME the Wedge allows bodies to be positioned in a way that can make penetration and masturbation more comfortable and accessible.
We're a big fan of the BMS toy range because of their low-hum-to-full-throttle motors, great shapes, quilted silicone handle for easy gripping and a single button control located at the bottom of the toy (or on the handle in the case of the wand). Great prices too!
The ZIGGY is designed for all bodies. Rub on it, stroke your penis, hump it, tuck it into your harness or underwear or put it between two bodies. What makes The ZIGGY so unique is it's accessible charging station for easy access, use and storage. Designed with accessibility in mind.
We cannot wait to see what pleasure products Handi have created. Sign up to our newsletter to keep up to date.
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