So you feel like you naturally dominate or naturally submit in the bedroom but you really want to be the best version of that you can be? Or maybe you'd like to switch it up but don't know how? Here's some awesome tips to get you exactly where you want to be, whether you're with an existing partner or a new one.


Taking control of the lovemaking scenario takes some getting used to. Taking it slow and building on your experience is key. You need strong observation and emotive skills because you always need to be aware of your partner's comfort and arousal. Sometimes a lover won't tell you if they're not comfortable for fear of offending you or ruining the mood. It's important to remember that 'taking control' isn't really taking control. It's actually your partner allowing you to go as far as they want you to. It's a pretend game that results in incredible sex and leaves your lover literally begging for more.


1. Talk & Consent

Broach the subject (or even text) with something like 'You're gonna be mine tonight.' Or 'Tonight I'm the boss. Make sure you're wet/hard and ready.' If that's too forward, test the waters with something like 'I loved 50 Shades of Grey, how about you?' - you get the idea. Once you agree to try, the rest is a simple matter of planning. Understanding each others boundaries (consent) is vital so that you are freer to enjoy the moment. You can read more about consent and negotiation here.

2. Planning

Once the deal is done, have a basic plan of the kind of scene you'd like. If you've decided to roleplay (say you're Sven the masseuse and your lover is the 'customer'), light the candles, have massage oil on hand, put on your best sexy attire and get set to command your 'client'. Slowly take control until they're tied to the massage table/bed with legs splayed, hot and ready, succumbing to your every demand. Preparation is soooo sexy. It shows you've been thinking. HOT!

3. Wielding Your Power

As the top, you get to wield the power. Really inhabit your role (this is FUN) and order your submissive around. Command them to suck your cock/lick your pussy. If you're the 'boss' and they're your 'assistant', reproach them for not getting their work done on time and make them do your bidding. Make sure they do it right - harder, softer, more consistency etc. Use language to engage the brain - our biggest sex organ! 'Now I'm going to fuck you really hard / fuck your arse / bend you over and use this dildo on you'.... whatever floats your boat. Or lay your partner flat on their back and straddle their face. Now there's a power move!

4. Inhabit the role

Be the dominant version of yourself - not another person. You're the boss so act like it and get into the role as completely as you can. Are you a latex/leather lover? Perhaps you prefer a little black dress and killer heels? Jeans and bare feet a'la Christian Grey? We often get the most dressed up for people we hardly know rather than the people we love the most. Play your part in the bedroom and really get into this version of yourself with gusto. Shower, dress, jewellery, scent...the lot. It's a beautiful compliment to the person you really dig.

5. Pay attention

If you've been lovers for a long time, it's easier to know when your partner is or isn't liking what's happening. Make sure you're constantly checking in with either words or looks and understand when to stop and check in. If you have a new partner, you really need to have a safe word and know when to back off. At the end of your lovemaking, make sure you both give feedback. This is imperative to a healthy power play.

6. Orgasm control

Another hot way to be dominant is to take control of your partner’s orgasmic timing. You can go down on them, and once you feel them starting to get close, stop. Say something like, “I don’t think I’m going to let you do that just yet.” Then take a break and give them a few minutes to cool off. Repeat as many times as you dare.


Always remember that you're only pretending to have no control, you don't actually have no control. It's up to you to receive all the pleasure you can by allowing your partner to pleasure you in the way you want to be pleasured. That's why it's hard to do the topping. A top is turned on by what they're 'doing' to you and you are turned on by pretending you are helpless. It's a fun game with orgasms at the end.


1. Talk

As above, communicate your desire to let your lover take control. 'I didn't finish all my chores today. I need to be put into line'. Let them make the next move by saying something like 'What are you going to do about it?'

2. Language

'Yes sir/madam' 'Please' 'Thank you' 'May I suck your cock/massage your feet/lick your pussy?' Try making certain things forbidden unless you’ve received explicit permission. For example, you could agree that you’re not allowed to touch yourself or not allowed to orgasm until your partner gives you the go-ahead.

3. Feedback

Just like the top needs to inhabit their role of power, so the bottom needs to be in the role of submissive. Acting the part totally adds to the eroticism of the moment so make sure you moan and cry out, plead for more, ask permission to pleasure yourself or your lover, look upwards into the eyes, pout and 'be of service'. You are there to comply and make your lover happy.

4. Bottom Power

Any power play requires strong communication, whether it be verbal or not. Rather than expecting your partner to second guess what you like, it's important that your lover knows what does and doesn't turn you on before playing. Being a submissive is not a free pass for your lover to do as they please. When your head and body are clear and ready, you can dive freely into the experience and feel greater pleasure.

5. Punishment

Once you’ve agreed on certain rules of conduct, you can have your partner punish you for your infractions. For example, if you touch yourself without your partner’s permission, they can give you a spanking. Punishment can create some extreme power dynamics, so make sure you talk about it beforehand and agree on proper punishments. Make sure you start with less intense punishments. For example, your partner might withhold kisses from you for an hour.


For softer, entry-level items, we love the Shhh blindfold and the Lelo feather, silk blindfold and suede flogger.

For those looking for something a little more hardcore, the Wildhide handmade bondage collection is beyond comparison. Our fave pieces are the leather handcuffs, Japanese floggers, Love paddle and spreader bar.


The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book - the ULTIMATE guides

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

The Loving Dominant

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Check out all our best articles and How To's in the KINK WEEK section of the website.

 Sign up to our newsletter to stay on top of blogs, new products and cat gifs!