I don't know about you, but for me, dirty talk is such a turn on! What can weird people out about it is that you wouldn't want to be spoken to like that in any situation other than when you're horny or in the context of lovemaking.
Dirty Talk can be a big part of fantasy too. So practice this form of fabulous foreplay even if it's just in your head 'coz it works just as well for masturbation too!
Our Passionfruit sex educator and dominatrix Anne O Nomis, author of The History & Arts of the Dominatrix, gives us her seven top Dirty Talk tips.
1) Get in the zone of your want and wanton - get your sexy on
Some people are able to get themselves right in the mood straight-away, but for others it takes a bit of a transition to get into the head space for having hot phone sex or internet sex and out of the other roles one plays in life. (Be that your work, parenting, being the good friend, domestic Goddess of house chores, or whatever else.)
What makes you feel more energised and in your luscious juicy sexy energy? I encourage my students to get into their want and wanton.
To do this, go into your body, and ask yourself what do you want right now? What would make you feel ever more indulgent? Perhaps a glass of wine? An aromatic herbal tea? Water with ice and a squeeze of lemon?
What music will make you feel more energised, alive and in your sexy juicy energy? Put that music on for yourself.
Light a candle. Or put on an oil burner with some fragrant oil. Adjust the lighting in the room. Put something on which makes you feel sexy.
Lay out some sensual fabrics and a space to be in / on / under (wink) - for phone sex. And toys if you so wish...
2) Be curious and open-minded to your partner's "thing"
"Don't yuck somebody's yum", as the saying goes.
Many people have fantasies, fetishes or kinks which are a little taboo. Humans are delightful in their capacity for imagination and creativity, and to find thrills in forbidden fruit.
I recommend to stay open-minded and curious, and not judge anyone's fantasy, but rather think "huh, interesting... and tell me what it is about that particular thing that has so captured your imagination? Do you know where it began?"
From my extensive experience and knowledge of fetishes, I can tell you that most actual "fetishes" (which I differentiate from mere "interests") date all the way back to experiences in pre-adolescence, in which an experience combined the powerful elements with four ingredients - of fear, arousal, taboo and awe.
The experience was found chilling and thrilling, pumping chemicals and hormones around the body and powerfully influencing the neural connections of the brain.
From that point on, the "thing" causes that person instant arousal at the mere thought or evocation of it.
Some very common ones are the experience of having been naughty and punished as a child for it, across the bottom. Of having a crush on a girl in Summer by the pool or beach who later went somewhere to pee and your beloved followed like a lap dog in close proximity to imagine them pulling down their pants and peeing, and now associates it with instant arousal. With lycra swimsuits and bodysuits also quite possibly built in to their arousal. Or particular fabrics which are like a second skin, and indeed resemble the lubricated foreskin of the penis retracting in arousal, such as leather, or latex. Perhaps there were fabrics worn by an admired and attractive figure such as their babysittter or aunt or teacher which had very sensual qualities to it - such as fur, or cashmere, or hosiery, which they longed to touch or perhaps managed to do so by some childhood ploy.
Whatever the "thing", and fetishes are much more common statistically in men or rather cis males, now provides them with a magical and powerful source of intense arousal, which will be lifelong. It's sensory qualities, it's touch, smell and sight will achieve an electric turn-on.
Aside from fetishes formed in childhood, there are many common sexual interests which can be harnessed into fantasies for phone or internet sex with a lover - and grow very powerfully in the soil of the taboo. Doing what we "shouldn't" do - turns out to be a powerful turn-on.
Amongst the most common sexual fantasies statistically speaking are:
- More-somes (an extra person or people, threesomes, group sex, etc)
- Exotic and novel locations (doing something naughty somewhere which is public, with risk of being overseen or caught, and or a special memorable place, etc)
- Ravishment (which I differentiate from "rape" - this is about being deliciously desired and overpowered to your mutual fantasy pleasure)
- Domination (where one person takes control and takes charge, facilitating the other person’s exquisite deep erotic surrender)
- Fantasy ++ (from alien abduction fantasies, to kidnapping and interrogation by a hot secret agent, to octopus tentacle ravishment, to anything else your rich creative imaginations can dream up)
- Romance (being and feeling in love and loved, which activates powerful feel good oxytocin bonding hormones, and dopamine reward activation from compliments, resulting in warm "feel good" vibes and feeling deep connection with your partner.)
3) Communicate your boundaries
Just as in real life sex, you need to both be in agreement and consent for whatever you wish to phone or internet sex about.
So ensure you engage in open and honest communication around what you're up for and where your boundaries are.
If you're monogamous, where does the boundary lie in respect of talk of another person - is that banned or is that ok for you in a fantasy scenario of phone sex or internet sex discussion with your partner?
If there's kinks and fetishes involved, is there a limit to what the other partner is ok with and not ok with?
I encourage my students where possible to have a large heart and open mind, but also ensure they honour themselves in respect of where their boundaries are. It's not self-love to be dishonest around something you're not ok with.
And of course honour your partner's boundaries.
4) Use different adjectives for anatomical parts & honour your partner's preferences
Avoid using the same term again and again or you'll likely find things get a bit repetitive or stale. I recommend checking in with your partner in advance over how they feel about particular terms, to ensure you're playing with desire and not using any term that has a weird, negative or offensive connotation to them.
Some are likely to be found hot, and others not, depending on your childhood upbringing, popular culture, porn watching, dating history, and any other past experience baggage or past delight.
How do you and they feel about each of these terms, and which is hot, great or fine for you? Which are potentially a turn-off?
pussy, cunt, vulva, vagina, beaver, muff, hoo-ha, V-jay-jay, Lady V, cha-cha, box, kitty, lady bits, crotch, cooch, snatch, cookie, cupcake, lady garden, honey pot, gaping hole, punani, cunny, pussy lips, labia, yoni, etc...?
cock, dick, penis, prick, tool, schlong, willy, pecker, shaft, wood, manhood, shlong, organ, phallus, dong, wiener, sausage, fun stick, boner, pocket rocket, joy stick, knob, sword, snake, pee-pee, member, lingam, etc...?
For transgender people they may prefer particular terminology for their genitals and it's important to really check in and listen to them and honour their preferences around terms - which affirm gender, and terms which take in their preferences in how they wish their anatomy to be referred to which may include any of the above, and also potentially for example - girldick, clit, clitty-cock, slutty hole, etc.
There is a whole other topic we will cover in another day's blog also on erotic verbal humiliation, in which a person wants particular terms to be used to turn them on - such as being teased and called a "slut", "whore", "useless". For now, I will just say don't call or presume to call anyone such a term unless they've expressed an active desire for that in the context of consensual sex play.
Honour your partner's preferences and likes. Respect your partner's - and your own - boundaries.
5) Describe using the five senses
When you're having phone sex or internet sex, simulating an erotic or sexual encounter, you will do well to use very sensory terms.
- To describe the sound of your high heel stilettos clicking over the floorboard. The sound of the door opening.
- The smell of your perfume. How you smell when you're aroused, your wet pussy, your cock dripping with pre-cum.
- The sight of you, what you are wearing, the view moving up or over your body following the other's gaze.
- The touch of fabrics, or fingers or body parts against theirs.
- The taste - of lips and mouths meeting, of skin, of arousal, and so forth.
6) Talk "doing" - using active terms
Active words are where the heat and action is.
You do, or are doing ... what?
- You move towards them, dance them, reach them... embrace, grab, pull, touch, twist, push, flip, pull, clamp, restrain, spread, enter, kiss, push, thrust, insert, steer, manoeuvre, shudder, climax, cum, etc...
- Don't be afraid also to tease with a play of moving towards and pulling away or delaying gratification. This will typically only build the tension and arousal and anticipation further.
7) Active listening and partner responsiveness
Listen closely for your partner's response, breathing, murmurs, verbal response, affirmation, or indeed anything which to the contrary sounds like they may not be into the direction you're currently going.
Many partners find it helpful to co-author and co-steer the phone sex together, literally responding to each other, tit-for-tat verbal communication back-and-forth: "I do this....", "I do this / respond like this", etc.
For some, one partner takes the lead and has the more Dominant role, and the other responds and goes along for the (delicious) ride. Potentially responding through breath, through "mmm", or affirmative "I like that", or "that's making me so hot / so wet / so aroused".
Positive reinforcement is great - be responsive to things you are enjoying and taking pleasure from. You need to be able to get the message of your positive response across the phone in a manner that is able to be discerned and interpreted, through your breath and murmurs and comments.
And if your partner goes in a direction that isn't working for you, speak up and simply steer by suggestion: "and then you touch me like this, move me into the bedroom and push me onto the bed, spreading me open...", etc.
Phone sex is an active dance between two consenting partners, and it's the most creative dance possible which draws wholly from the realm of the psychosexual. What you can imagine, you can do - in phone sex.
x Anne O Nomis