NOTE: This blog was written at the height of the pandemic but is still relevant now, especially for those who are continue to be most vulnerable.
Hello my darlings,
Well, here we are. As we adapt and shift to a new way of being in the world, we adapt to ways of experiencing pleasure and connection. So I’ve gathered some ideas of how we can bring pleasure into our experiences of isolation and social distancing. I’ve separated the ideas into things you can do solo, together, or by distance.
I understand that life is overwhelming and hard always, and especially right now. Be gentle with yourself. You don’t need to try and perfect pleasure too. It’s always a process, and always a practice to come back to and keep gently developing.
These can be taken as sips of pleasure, they don’t have to be grand expressions of pleasure in order to bring pleasure and intimacy. But pleasure is essential to health and wellbeing. You will feel better for having experienced it AND you deserve it. Also, on a physiological level it helps complete your stress response cycle, increase your immune system, and allow you to regenerate so you have a greater capacity for the tasks or stress at hand. Pretty sweet deal. As we hopefully move away from a society that insists on grinding, this can be a supportive reminder as we slow.
Also a note, this list is not exhaustive. I thought it was better to publish it early, so it is comprehensive. This is a shared experience and a collaborative process and no one can be an expert about this, as these are unprecedented times! So if you have more ideas to contribute, feedback, or edits you wish made please email me: email@example.com. I’d love your contributions.
These tools and ideas are for all people regardless of if you’re alone, live with partners or lovers, or have partners and lovers at a distance. Solo pleasure is super important to explore in any relationship dynamic. Of course for people who don’t have physical intimate contact with others, these vulnerable challenging times can intensify our feelings for connection. I feel you.
- Write a list of things you can do that bring you pleasure in this new time. Maybe they are existing things you need to adapt, or new opportunities!
- Masturbate, obviously. But try one small addition of touching yourself beyond your genitals. How do you want to be touched and held right now? Remember masturbation is still an important part of your pleasure even in a relationship.
- Be gentle with your horniness or yearning for connection. The feeling of taboo or off-limits can be a huge turn on for people! I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet. So realise that not being “allowed” to do something can make it more appealing. So be understanding of your potential focus and attachment to this.
- Check out my #everydaypleasuretip on my Instagram stories. I’m sharing tips for how to experience pleasure in your everyday life. Check it out here.
- Move and dance. Move to experience the feeling of sexiness, horniness, grief, sorrow and allow it be felt. Grieve for what was, what will be, and for connection. Allow yourself to feel this and seek support as you move through this.
- Explore your fantasies! The possibilities are endless.
- Consider what ‘sex’ and ‘pleasure’ mean to you. Then consider how else you might be able to experience these needs, wants, and desires.
- Diversify your intimacy. Reach out to your loved ones and others in your life. This goes for people with partners too. They can’t be the world to you ever, especially when cooped up!
- Attend a virtual sex party! Check out Fetlife for events worldwide in your timezone if you need.
- Watch porn. Invest time to find a production house you love and want to support with even small sums of money. Or check out your favourite performers on OnlyFans! Check out my Guide To Exploring Porn blog if you need guidance.
- Take sexy selfies. Enjoy being witnessed by yourself, and captured by yourself.
- Book in a cam or cyber session with a sex worker. Been wanting to hey do the emotional labour of our society, and the industry us under threat right now. Support them while you seek the intimacy and connection you want.
These are for how to support, explore, and share pleasure with partners or lovers you are currently living with.
- Support each other’s desire for aloneness. Anticipate your potential needs for space from each other. Ask to use the room, take turns grocery shopping, or be on different schedules so you can have space to feel a sense of quiet, or to do whatever the fuck you want and need. When you’re “on top of each other” in the not-sex-kinda-way then it can be hard to feel desire, as distance encourages desire. The forever battle of desire vs. security.
- Don’t pressure having to have sex. So many of my clients say they don’t have sex with their partners or lovers because of a lack of time and always being tired. Now you potentially have more time and more sleep, you might still not be feeling arousal or desire for sex. Give space for sex to not be a priority, but for mutual non-sexual pleasure and flirtation to be present.
- Timebox pleasurable sexy things. Maybe grind, dryhump (so under-rated amongst adults!), or make out. This could be to the length of a song, album, or your coffee brewing. This can make it feel like less pressure
- Be lighthearted and playful. Allow humour and play to emerge for things to arise, with this lightheartedness sex and pleasure can emerge without pressure.
- Acknowledge your own and each others’ grief, loss, and anger in this liminal unknowing space. Know that your feelings might be attached to something bigger, and a reaction to the times rather than a response to the situation. For some people, non-violent communication can be a good tool for navigating this.
- Do sexy photoshoots with each other. Capture their beauty and sexy without touch!
- Reward each other’s banal activities. Perhaps with sexy makeouts, crutch or butt fondles, a sexy outfit change, or panting in their ear.
- Potentially shift boundaries. Reconsider what you might need, want, and desire to feel safe, heard, and aroused.
- Mutually masturbate. Try out watching each other with eye contact, or making out with eye’s closed if that’s too intense. Perhaps even make it a lesson on how to get each other off for the future.
- Watch porn. Then debrief on what you loved, found challenging, want to explore, just liked watching.
Treat your dynamic like a long-distance relationship. I’ve been in LDRs for 5 years of my dating life, so I can testify it’s HARD. But, with limitations cums creativity eh. Doesn’t just have to be sex, but connection and intimacy, or companionship in a hard time.
- Keep connecting on dating apps. Be clear about your expectation for connection, and say how you might want to connect, find companionship, and build intimacy over time. Anticipation can be a sexy thing!
- Explore teledildonic/cyberdildonic toys. These toys were possibly made exactly for this situation, so you can experience sensations together but from a distance through an app from anywhere in the world, or by remote if closeby. Read more about them here. I suggest most of the WeVibe range, especially the Sync, from WeVibe! If you’re in Australia check out this list of toys from Passionfruit Sensuality Shop, they have a great range! Or if you’re in the USA, check out Spectrum Boutique and search “remote control”.
- Try Cybersex. Remember, it doesn’t have to look like the next amateur porn video to be sexy, intimate, or flirty. Sex looks many different ways and doesn’t even need to involve nudity. Decide what your boundaries are, and don’t let anyone pressure you.
- Sexting. This could be commentary on what you want to do with someone once isolation is over, memories of things that happened, sharing photos or videos of you, or things that turn you on. Remember to ask first! @afrosexology shared a great guide to sexting on their Instagram.
- Brainstorm cute date ideas. Perhaps it’s drawing each other, reading to each other, playing boardgames virtually, start watching films at the same time with Netflix Party, have a drink and snack together. If you live in the same place and your parks are still open, try going for a walk 5 minutes apart and talk on the phone or flashing each other from afar!
- Do a class or livestream together. If it’s a first-date or early dating, then this gives you something to talk about. Check out this super cute list of online activities from Chatterpack.
What else are you doing that would be fun and inspiring for others to hear about? Email me so I can add! Euphemia@iwishyouknew.net
© 2020 I Wish You Knew, all rights reserved. Located in San Francisco Bay Area, Melbourne Australia, and the Internet. Pleasure and sex education for all bodies, genders, and sexual orientations.