The lovers' guide to comprehensive aftercare and reassurance

Picture this: You and your sweetheart have ventured beyond the realm of vanilla sex and into your very first spanking scene. In the heat of the moment, it was all lust and searing pleasure mingled up with a nibble of pain, but now you're feeling a little...out of sorts. You might be in need of a little aftercare. 

Aftercare has been a well-documented practice in BDSM activities and plays a crucial role in kink scenes, where communication is encouraged, emotional support is desired, and wounds may need tending to. But, there's something we can all learn from this common practice in our everyday sexual scenarios – not just the kinky kind. 

If you've had sex for the first time, hooked up with a new lover or just tried something different with your long-term partner, you might be left feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance after the act. After all, sexual experiences can be intensely emotional and this can vary from individual to individual, from one experience to the next. Some of us are happy with an enthusiastic high-five after sex, whereas others may have more vulnerabilities, more needs and require greater reassurance.

Sex can bring up a surprising range of emotions, from contentment and connection to vulnerability, uncertainty or sadness. These responses can be influenced by physical, emotional and relational factors. The bottom line is that we all deserve aftercare and some folks need more care than others. If you feel you're not getting the support you need, speak up and ask for it before engaging in sexual activity, especially if it's with someone new or when you're trying something different.

Here are a few situations where you might want a little aftercare (or a lot):

• You're with a new partner
  Maybe you haven't had sex for a long time or it's the first time with someone new. You're flooded with wonder about whether you're 'good enough' and need some encouragement.
  
  
• You're trying something new
  Perhaps it's the first time you've tried anal sex or used a sex toy. Unfamiliar territory can bring up unexpected feelings, including embarrassment or uncertainty, so a little reassurance without judgement can make all the difference.
  
  
• You've introduced some kink into your play
  Your partner has spanked you and called you names. You liked it but can't help but feel a little lingering humiliation and want to restore the balance.
  
  
• You're a unique soul
  Perhaps you're experiencing body dysmorphia, have a body part you don't like or isn't doing what you'd like it to. Maybe you make loud noises during sex or require something unique to get off. Or maybe you've tried out that striptease you've been practicing. Either way, you're feeling a little embarrassed or disappointed about the situation and need some validation.
  
  
• It's your first time
  First sexual experiences can bring up a range of emotions, including uncertainty or regret. Having someone who listens without judgement can be enormously helpful. However, feeling pressured or coerced into sex is a separate issue, and aftercare cannot replace freely given consent or undo a violation of boundaries.
  
  
• You're experiencing stress, grief, hormonal fluctuations or health challenges
  You're feeling extra vulnerable and want a higher level of aftercare.

In a perfect world, aftercare would be incorporated into all of our sessions and would hold the same importance as foreplay. Imagine if after your first-ever sexual encounter your partner had checked in with you, cuddled you, told you how beautiful and amazing you were, made you feel a million bucks? And then, checked to make sure you got home safely?

So many of us are often left confused, broken, humiliated, ashamed or belittled after a sexual encounter and continue to drag this feeling with us throughout our subsequent relationships. It's time to make aftercare a priority so that we can safely explore our own sexuality, build and strengthen healthier relationships and feel liberated in our daily lives.

In a perfect world, here is what we would ask for in our aftercare:

• Tissues, wipes and towels for cleaning up
• A fluffy or silky robe or blanket for comfort
• A big hug, plus sweet reassurances and loving gestures
• An offer of a drink and snack
• Perhaps a warm bath or shower with fresh towels and body lotion
• Help with dressing, undressing, brushing hair etc
• Talking and laughing
• Disposal of used tissues, sheets and towels
• Cleaning and putting away of toys and accoutrements
• Making the bed
• A call to make sure you/they got home okay if you don't live together
• Sweet texts the next day
• A check in after a few days to see how you're/they're feeling or if there's anything you/they need to talk about. Issues can arise that aren't immediately obvious.

Of course, aftercare isn't one size fits all. Some people love cuddles, conversation and reassurance, while others prefer quiet, space or time alone. The important thing is to communicate what feels supportive rather than assuming everyone needs the same kind of care. And aftercare goes both ways, all partners deserve consideration, regardless of their role in the experience.

Aftercare has long been an important part of BDSM culture, where negotiation, communication and consent are strongly emphasised. While practices vary between individuals and communities, discussing aftercare before a scene can help everyone understand what support might be needed afterwards.

Aftercare is best negotiated at the beginning of a scene. Many scenarios will require deep submission or vulnerability and can be physically, emotionally and mentally draining. It's common for either partner to experience intense emotions and hormones while these acts are taking place. The subsequent drop in adrenaline can exhaust both parties, so support and care are essential.

Aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. During a scene, consensual humiliation and degradation may have taken place, fantasies may have been acted upon and a detachment from the ordinary world might be experienced. Aftercare is a time to reset the relationship in the real world and return to an equilibrium. Sex might be over, but it's not really over until the aftercare happens. Care must be taken to reassure, recalibrate and refuel.

After an intense session, physical comfort can help with relaxation and reconnection. For some, that means cuddles, a gentle massage or simply lying together. Others might prefer a cosy robe, warm socks and a little space. Always check what feels welcome, particularly after physically or emotionally demanding play. Aftercare doesn't need to involve further sexual activity.

A long rope session, sensation play or sustained impact play can sometimes result in bruising, abrasions or other injuries. Minor wounds should be gently cleaned and covered with an appropriate dressing. A cold pack wrapped in a towel may help ease bruising or swelling. More significant injuries, persistent pain or signs of infection require medical attention.

A well stocked first aid kit is an important addition to any BDSM play space, both for aftercare and for unexpected mishaps during a scene.

A snack and something to drink can help restore energy and provide a comforting moment to reconnect and settle after an intense experience. Water, tea or a favourite treat might be just what's needed.

A short nap or an entire night's sleep after a hardcore session can be all you need to replenish mind and body. Check in afterwards to see if any other form of self care or support is needed.

What better way to reconnect than a good laugh? You might feel you need to talk about what's happened and how you felt. Both partners can feel unsure about what's transpired so communication is crucial. Tread gently because vulnerability levels can be high. Ensure your partner feels supported and cherished.

If your play scene has involved name calling or degradation, has been particularly close to your limits or especially humiliating, you may need more reassurance than usual. Explain to your submissive that you don't really believe that they are what you might have called them. Alternatively, the Dominant may be experiencing feelings of guilt that they have hurt the one they love the most. Reassure them that they are valued as a human.

You might like to run a warm bath or shower for your partner with mood lighting, dreamy, sensual bathing products and a clean, fluffy robe. Do the full pamper and wash and dry their hair, apply body lotion and finish with a soothing tea.

Winding down and getting in your comfort zone is a brilliant way to get back in the real world. Put on some comfy clothes and do what you'd normally do to wind down, whether it's Downton Abbey, video games or a good book. It's a great way to ground yourself.

Even if you're practising self-love, ensure that you provide yourself with reassurance and self-care if you need it. It may be as simple as cleaning your toys, having a bath, rubbing lotion on your body or even writing your feelings down in a journal, especially if any feelings of shame or guilt arise.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Aftercare is part of being a considerate sexual partner, whether the experience involves BDSM, a long term relationship or a casual encounter. It doesn't need to be elaborate, but it does need to be thoughtful. Discussing what support might be welcome before sexual activity can help everyone feel more comfortable and understood.

And remember, aftercare isn't just for partners. Taking time to check in with ourselves, acknowledge our feelings and attend to our physical and emotional needs is equally valuable.

Let's make intentional aftercare a normal part of conversations about sex, alongside pleasure, communication and consent.