As part of our Voluptuary Season, we interviewed five sex experts and, among other things, asked them for advice on ways to take care of our sexual self so that we are able to enjoy fabulous sex in exactly the way we want.

As physical and mental changes take place over the course of our life, so does our ability to enjoy the one thing that keeps us connected most intimately with other humans. Cultivating a strong relationship with our sexuality is the key to fulfilling relationships, whether that be with oneself or others.

So here are the five things we learned about the best way to sexually self care.


1. Commitment

Making the commitment to sexually self care and including a pleasure practice in our life results in a much greater awareness of our unique sexual self, ultimately enabling us to enjoy the best sex. Without the commitment, it doesn't happen.

"It's like you're committed to a relationship with your partner - I'm committed to my relationship with myself and that includes not outsourcing my pleasure to somebody else." Olivia Bryant

"Allowing pleasure into your life is like a muscle. If you don’t invite it and incorporate and breathe it, then when it comes you don’t know what to do with it. When we deepen our capacity for pleasure we deepen our sense of self and we ultimately become completely comfortable with our orgasmic capacity." - Carol Michael

2. Paying Attention

It's astonishing what happens when you really pay attention to sensory stimulation. Take notice of the way external stimuli feels on your body and bring that awareness into small parts of your day. This is 'embodiment' and works to connect mind with body so that we understand the subtleties of pleasure. It's a small thing that can have big outcomes to your sexual self care.

"Checking in with your body, being more embodied, can be as simple as setting a reminder on your phone...creating moments for pause and cultivating connection and awareness in your body in day to day life, not just sex." - Euphemia

3. Masturbation

Alicia Sinclair creates award winning sex toys and uses comprehensive sex education to facilitate full engagement with them. Alicia encourages anal masturbation so that we can experience both giving and receiving anal pleasure and to help prepare our body for anal sex if that's the goal. Preparation is the key to enjoying the best anal sex of our lives and is imperative to a sexually self caring practice. Spontaneity is out. Preparation is in.

"Anal is not a surprise activity, it requires planning, thoughtfulness and tools. Do what you already love doing in your masturbation practice and add anal." - Alicia Sinclair

4. Slowness

Sexual self care is a commitment and being so requires time. If there's one thing we've learned in the Voluptuary Series, it's that sexual self care is not a quick fix. Like any fitness or health goal, sexual aliveness is a way of life.

"Sometimes I'll walk my feet to the bedroom and sit on my bed and simply breath  and relax and actually your breath is very sensual and then I might lay my hand on my breast and then go from there to the next to the next to the next and pause and feel and be there and then the next thing you know I've created a beautiful self pleasure experience."

"So often we cover the empty space because we're afraid to be vulnerable and we cover it up with fiction and more stimulation. When you release vaginal tension you won't need to try so hard to feel." Olivia Bryant

5. Making shame work for you

Having a vulva and feeling sexually powerful are regarded as shameful in our society and it has led to a diminishing of our sexual worth and an impotence in the bedroom. We can dismantle the shame we feel around our sexuality by acknowledging it and owning it, ultimately allowing it to fuel our passion.

"There are still particular social standards that are applied around language. We do this exercise in class where we get women to throw up all the things they think they'll be called if they step into their sexual power, words like bossy, bitch, slut, golddigger and we then embrace every word. Yes! I'm a pervert. Name your shame and own it." Anne O Nomis

Music, dancing and sensory deprivation to enable us to get out of our minds and into our bodies are all strong themes too. Why not try all three at once? It worked for The Bachelor! Merry Christmas 2020 everyone :)

Blog photograph by Jessica Ledwich Follow her Instagram

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