This one's for the lovers: those who have been with someone for a long time – or have known them for a while. Why is it that when it comes to voicing our needs – our sexual desires – with long-term partners that we struggle to articulate ourselves? This common experience has got in the way of our sexual potential for far too long. Now's the time to make in-roads in your conversations about having better sex, starting with these five tips.
1. POSTURING FOR BETTER SEX
It's all in the approach. Maybe you haven't had sex for a while – or maybe you're simply looking to have better sex. Whether it's because you haven't wanted to or your partner hasn't, start the conversation as though it is you – not them. For example, "Sorry if I haven't been the lover you deserve lately. You're so desirable and gorgeous but I've been so distracted....can I make it up to you? I so want to..." and see how the conversation flows.
2. BETTER SEX BEFORE BED
If you're one who likes to read in bed at night, make sure it's something raunchy, preferably a book of short stories. (Your partner may ask what you're reading when they see the cover.) When they do, say "OMG I just read the hottest story! Can I read it to you?/You should read it!" Either read it aloud to them or have them read it privately. It should give them a very good idea of what is currently turning you on and create the opportunity to talk openly about having better sex.
Maybe you'd like to try rope play, a threesome, a sex toy or tantra. Buy a book on the subject and leave it around. Have you filled out the 'Come As You Are Workbook'? It's a brilliant conversation starter and helps you figure out what gets your heart racing and what doesn't.
3. BETTER SEX TEXTS
We're just going to say it: texting is the best aphrodisiac in the world! Text your way to better sex, starting with something adorable like, "I'm dreaming of your luscious lips" and inch your way towards "I'm counting the minutes 'til I can ravage your hot, wet pussy" – or whatever. You know what vibes turn them on, so use the vocab of your relationship. And if you need some cues to keep the conversation rolling, why not try these prompts: "Do you like it when I... " or " I love it when you..."
4. BETTER SEX SCENES
Some sex scenes live rent free in our minds. (That pool scene from Showgirls, anyone?) Use them as inspiration to help guide your conversations around better sex. And if you're lacking material, why not browse SBS On Demand, Netflix (or a subscription service of your choice), go see a movie, download some content ethically. (LOL) Better yet, do it together.
Afterwards, perhaps over a drink or a cuppa, casually reveal your favourite scene(s). Even if you hated the plot, share what you loved. Like "that part where he trickled hot candle wax over her naked body." Hint hint! And they said TV would rot our brains.
5. BETTER SEX IS SUBJECTIVE
Hear me out, but what makes sex satisfying for you today, may not be the same thing that made it satisfying last month or even last year. We all have the capacity to change and grow, and so too do our desires. Sometimes we crave more, while others find themselves swapping out those sweaty all-nighters for simpler pleasures. Opening a conversation with, "You know what I'm really enjoying at the moment?" followed by your current pleasures, might be a conduit to better sex together today. And who knows, you might find that your mutual idea of what better sex feels like, might just be aligned.
Please leave a comment with your own effective suggestions for talking about better sex. And remember, you're together for a reason, reflect on all the ways you made good chemistry. Good luck!
