Vanilla or otherwise, the ability to daydream and fantasise is integral to expanding our own pleasure potential. So many of us find ourselves disconnected from these dreams, due to societal and systemic pressures. But, not for long. We've collated our top 4 tips for finding your fantasy and using it to help fuel a more fulfilling sensual life.
Free your mind and the fantasy will follow.
Much of what stops us from being a wildcat in the bedroom are the layers of guilt or shame we might feel about initiating or even enjoying sex. Think about how your beliefs might be inhibiting your ability to experience deep pleasure without reservation. Many of these beliefs are taught to us by our parents, society, culture and the millennia of sexual suppression we've endured. Naturally, it can feel a little uncomfortable or confronting to try and unlearn these beliefs – but it is doable.
THE GUILT EXPERIMENT
Below is an example of how you can begin to turn old ideas into new ones.
- Place old beliefs on the left: ideas you'd like to overcome, disprove or dispel.
- Place new beliefs on the right: ideas you'd like to embrace in your evolving pleasure practice.
Here's an example to help you get started.
Read. Watch. Pin.
Often because of the inherent guilt we feel about truly loving sex, we repress our fantasies. The goal here is to give our imagination a little push so that it can be filled with rich, luscious scenarios to fuel our lovemaking.
- READ: Erotica - I recommend short stories such as Best Women's Erotica.
- WATCH: Seek out the kinds of erotica that turns you on. (Make Love Not Porn, anyone?) Make a list and refine, refine and keep refining your searches. Once you know what you like you can pay for the porn you like best. Choose ethically made porn if you can (where consent, boundaries and transparency are celebrated).
- PIN: Get a Pinterest account and make a board of inspiring images. You will uncover the landscape of your erotic mind and be able to build on it.
Investigate your fantasy.
If you wanted to research an overseas holiday, you would click for hours on your computer checking hotels, prices, destinations and eateries. When looking for erotica, we often don't put in the same effort. Approach this exercise with diligence and curiosity. You will inevitably find stories, gifs and porn that you don't like and you can disregard it. But when you find material that you love, investigate more like it. Note the director of the film, use hashtags, follow the themes in the story you read and find books that explore that theme more thoroughly. If it's an enemies-to-lovers dynamic that turns you on, group sex, lesbian sex, toe sucking or Pride and Prejudice, find more stuff that explores that theme.
Apply your learnings.
You might have only one fantasy at a time or many. Don't judge your erotic landscape or be ashamed of it. Use it to build arousal and ultimately feel deep pleasure. Block out all other thoughts and concentrate on your favourite fantasy during lovemaking or when masturbating.
Fantasy-first takeaways:
- It is no-ones responsibility to give you pleasure.
- It is your responsibility to accept pleasure into your own mind and body.
- Fantasy is a brilliant tool to fuel your passion, increase desire and unlock your orgasmic potential.
Free to treat your new ideas as affirmations and repeat them until they feel tangible, relatable and empower your inner eroticism.
You may be also be interested in Fantasy and the Sexual Psyche.
