You've given yourself consent to go forth and masturbate, you've delved into your desires, you've done your breathing and clenching exercises and you've prepared your space (see previous blog). Well done!
If you're still coming to terms with consenting to self pleasure, we highly recommend joining Pink Bits & The Unlearning Project. The project is a "series of questions that have to do with all the ways in which we must unlearn the lessons society / patriarchy have taught us, what we've unlearned, and what we've learned in its place." It's a wonderful tool to help you give the consent you may need to move forward.
1. There's no right or wrong way to self pleasure. The clitoris, located above the vaginal entrance, is where most of the nerve endings are concentrated, but the whole of the clitoris wraps underneath and around both sides of the labia.
So whereas a lot of our pleasure is sourced from the external part of the clitoris, there is so much potential for pleasure around the entire labia and vagina. And of course the rest of the body. If you get aroused from sucking your finger whilst pulling your hair, then yay for you!
So many people we talk to in the store admit to us that they can't orgasm a certain way and feel completely broken that penetration doesn't result in climax for example, or that they've never had a vaginal orgasm. We are all unique. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for me. Be bold and try different things. Alter pressure, mix it up with a nipple squeeze, indulge in a fantasy, use both hands, stand up, sit down....experiment.
“We know by now that there's no such thing as normal—or rather, that we're all normal. We're all made of the same parts as everyone else, organized in a unique way. No two alike.”
Emily Nagoski 'Come As You Are'.
2. Set yourself up in your space and do what you can to relax. You may like to have bathed, set the scene, warmed up the room and made sure everything you might need is at hand. Read some erotica or watch some porn if that helps build your arousal. Run your hands up and down your body and notice what and where feels good. Alter the pressure of your movements - press and push harder or lighten your touch. Amplify what warms your body and diminish what puts stress on it (including thoughts).
If your mind begins to go off topic, bring it back to an image or scenario that arouses. If unwanted feelings of sadness or emptiness or shame arise, don't feel pressure to continue. You can return to this space any time and meanwhile, write your feelings down in a journal.
3. Great lube is something that makes masturbation soooo much more effective. If you're using your fingers, drizzle them with our favourite product Überlube. If you're using a silicone toy, try Sliquid Sassy or Silk. If using your fingers, move your middle finger to make circles around the clitoris. Alter the pressure and speed of your finger and just do what feels good. Again, there's no 'normal'. If you have a vibrator, rest it over the labia on the lowest setting and press and move around according to what feels great. If you're highly aroused, keep doing whatever it is you're doing! Don't stop!
If you're just not feeling it, don't worry. There are all sorts of reasons why we may not feel arousal, pleasure or desire. Embrace your vulva with a warm hand and think about your clitoris. Write your progress in your journal and come back again next week.
Pleasure is the measure of your sexual well being. How ever you feel pleasure is unique to you and not calculated in the quantity of your orgasms or frequency or intensity. All that matters is that you love it.
Next week we'll delve into vaginal, anal, breast and body masturbation.here.