We’ve been married for 24 years and even though we had a great sex life for the first 15 years or so, now my wife just doesn’t want sex. At all. Not even cuddles. I’ve tried talking to her about it but she’s 'shut the door for good'. I’m a very sexual person and even though I don’t want to hurt my wife, I’m tempted to look for sex outside my marriage. Am I wrong?
When you’ve tried everything and I’m assuming you have Trevor (counselling, talking, not nagging, being a good husband etc) and your partner just isn’t into sex anymore, then it’s a fair question.
A sexless marriage can be great if you’re both on the same page and enjoying the life you’ve built together - gardening, movies, looking for aliens …
But when you’re horny as a rabbit and your partner would rather stick pins in their eyes than have sex, then you’ve got a problem.
Speak about how important this is to you, how you’re not getting a fundamental need met within the relationship and how you feel you need to reassess your marriage.
And when you’ve had the many really important conversations, ascertained that she is getting all her needs met and yet is still not interested in having sex with you, then what are your options?
Before finding sex elsewhere, why not offer options that involve elsewhere together? I’m thinking a threesome, a sex party, an open relationship...something exciting and out of your comfort zone?
If the answer ISN’T a firm NO then great! Get to work on figuring out something that might excite her. If the answer is more of an ‘as if’ then it’s time to re-evaluate.
There are four options that I can see here Trevor -
- You stay in the marriage and cheat (eeuuww)
- You leave the marriage (sob)
- You agree that you can see a sex worker occasionally (ethical non-monogomy)
- You come to terms with the fact that sex with another person is not available to you anymore and masturbate instead (your marriage is worth it)
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All options are shit basically. Cheating will probably make you feel like crap and it’s actually really hard to keep up the lies (don't do it). Leaving the wife that you love and who you may share children with is excruciating. Not having sex anymore when it’s something that is really important to you is a fate worse than death (although the sex toys are REALLY GOOD).
Agreeing that you can sometimes visit a sex worker or engage in some cam sex (and masturbating in-between) seems like the best option to me. You get to stay with the person you love. Your wife is freed from the pressure to be intimate and you get to have sex with no emotional attachment. Also, sex workers are great and you're helping to keep someone in a job. Winning all 'round!!
Wait! Or get a cat...
Have the hard conversation Trevor and choose whichever option suits you best. Nobody is judging you but picking the least worst is better than doing nothing.
Much love and good vibes,
P.S. Not wanting to have sex anymore can be due to many complex reasons and there's nothing at all wrong with that choice. Go you! It's just that within a marriage, it does have consequences.
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