James Buckley is the founder of  Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Australia; a platform that directly supports individuals and couples in navigating alternative relationships through workshops and private practice. Facilitating multiple sold-out workshops in-store, we asked James about ENM and how the single, blissfully throupled, and monogamous stand to benefit from its tools and teachings – especially when it comes to countering jealousy.  

What is ethical non-monogamy?

According to ENM Australia, “ethical non-monogamy is a form of intimate relationship where the individuals involved have agreed to engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with more than one person, with the explicit knowledge and consent of all parties involved”.


For the chronically coupled and cisheteronormative (i.e. cis gendered and heterosexual), ENM can be something of a buzzword, or the unfortunate scapegoat of a friend’s relationship breakdown. So how many of us actually understand what makes ethically non-monogamous relationships work, and what hinders them? We asked somatic sex and relationships coach, James Buckley.


Passionfruit: James, thank you for chatting with us. As a practitioner within this space with 17+ years of experience, what are some of the common misconceptions surrounding ENM?

James Buckey: I've had a lot of conversations, where I’ve told people that I'm non-monogamous, and about 8 out of 10 times their responses are, “I could never do that, I'd get too jealous.” So, firstly, there’s this misconception that non-monogamous people don't get jealous. Secondly, there’s a belief that if you do get jealous, you aren’t cut out for non-monogamy. And lastly, that jealousy is a fixed state.


For other emotions like anger, we're taught that this behaviour needs to be unlearned and worked on: because it's not socially acceptable to rage out and punch a wall. But with jealousy, people often take it as a given, rather than something we should probably work on. And wouldn’t the world be a better place if more people knew that they could work on this – that they could work on themselves?

P: We live in a society where monogamy remains the ‘default’. Why do you think non-monogamy is stigmatised?

JB: Well, the people who tend to feel the most vitriolic against non-monogamy are often the ones that monogamy has let down the most. They might have been cheated on or are cheaters themselves who aren’t able to negotiate or reconcile that perception within themselves.


My sliding doors moment happened at 19, when the girl I was sleeping with sat me down and told me she was worried that, if we fell in love, she’d cheat on me and we’d not see each other. Instead, we just decided to continue openly sleeping with others to avoid cheating.  Back then, I’d never heard of the term ‘poly’ or that there were all these books and a whole community! We found an alternative that worked for us. Now, I’m on a mission to make alternative relationships as accessible as possible, not just ENM.


P: How have conversations around non-monogamy shifted over time, and what’s missing from these conversations?
JB: The pandemic caused people to question a lot of things. Suddenly, because they weren’t spending 40 hours a week at their jobs, they were forced to spend all this time with their #1 everything. People who weren’t in relationships, and who could only have one person in their COVID bubble, were thinking, Well, what if I’m actually seeing two or three people? So it definitely exploded post-COVID.


What’s missing from the conversation is this very basic understanding or view of what non-monogamy is according to the public psyche. Unfortunately, the public still views non-monogamists as either these ‘taboo’ swingers or fedora-wearing polyamorous people, with nothing in between. I would love for more people to understand that it’s a spectrum, and that there's a variety of ways you could be showing up. Unfortunately, because people only hear of these limited representations they think, Hey, I don't like the sound or either of those, so I must be fully monogamous, which is just not the case.


P: What do you wish people knew about ENM, if they’re considering it? What’s missing?

JB: That everything you think about how sex and love should work is totally made up, by the songs, and the books, and our culture, and our parents. That you can rewrite any part of that script you want, as long as you're treating people ethically. There's no one-right-way to do non-monogamy or alternative relationships. So you don’t have to decide which of your six boyfriends to spend Christmas with, just because you’re poly! You can do it differently – you can do it your way.


A lot of my workshops start with the concept that what makes humans unique as animals, is that we make up these myths and fictions, and that we can change them.

P: Open, throupled, or monogamous, what can people learn from your ‘Mastering Jealousy’ workshop, regardless of their relationship dynamics?

JB: First of all, they’re going to understand the difference between jealousy and envy, and how to approach the two different experiences. They’re also going to understand the nine different characteristics of jealousy, which is a framework I've created based on a bunch of other frameworks that exist out there. Except, mine have cool anime characters and names that you'll be able to learn. Students will also learn my go-to system for how to cope better with jealousy when you're experiencing it. It’s all designed to be easy to remember, in the moment.


Everyone in the class is going to be feeling a little bit nervous about coming and being vulnerable, because by showing up they’re admitting that they might experience jealousy. But, please know that by coming along, you're going to be doing something fantastic for your jealousy, you're going to be taking the hood off of it.


P: Have any pro tips for those keen to explore non-monogamy?

JB: Reading The Ethical Slut is such a great pro tip, especially with someone you’re seeing, so that you're not controlling the narrative about how everything's ‘supposed to work’ in a non-monogamous context. You can share it as a talking point and reread it to learn and unlearn things; especially beliefs that do or don’t serve you anymore. And if you’re keen to put your learnings into practice, I also run the Festival of Alternative Relationships up here in New South Wales, which is a camping festival event that happens in November.


Eager to expand your learnings about non-monogamy, D/s dynamics or alternative relationships? Check out our upcoming workshops facilitated by ENM Australia.