Penises aren't always erect and vaginas aren't always wet. And the truth is, you don't need either of those to love sex or to be super aroused and sexually satisfied.

Soft sex is characterised by a slower pace with a focus on pleasure and attention rather than erection and penetration.

Fun Fact 1: People who have vulva to vulva sex report having better, more frequent sex as well as more orgasms than their heterosexual counterparts.*

Fun Fact 2: The 2018 Singles in America report—based on a survey of 5,000 singles of all ages, ethnicities, and income levels across the U.S, found that single 66-year-old women and single 64-year-old men report having the best sex.

Clearly, we've been relying on hard penises for far too long.

So if for whatever reason an erect penis isn't always on tap, or your vulva/vagina/butt no longer accepts a penis or dildo, do not fear. In fact, it might just improve your sex life!


1. GET OVER IT - Yep! The sooner you accept that hard erections aren't the mainstay of your relationship(s) the sooner you'll begin to enjoy a fuller, better sex life. If you or your partner are having difficulty accepting that reality, consider seeing a sexual counselor.

Or if your vulva/vagina doesn't love the feeling of penetration, there may be a good reason. Talk to your GP, physiotherapist or sex shop assistant. It might be as simple as using a great lube, or it may be a medical condition that can be treated. Check our resources page here.

2. CHILL OUT & TAKE TIME - Hard and fast is out, slow and sexy is in. The reason that the over 60's are enjoying sex so much is because they know a little something about long, languid sessions with no interruptions. Make up your mind to put time as well as effort into your lovemaking.

3. PLAN - When you plan, your rate of satisfaction improves. Who wants to run our of a vital ingredient in the middle of a cook up? Talk about ruining the moment! Having everything you need close by - think lube, snacks, drinks, tissues, toys, sex blanket, blindfold etc - avoids disappointment. Plus anticipation is HOT! Put SEX in your calendar.

4. TALK - When things aren't as you expect them to be, like soft penises, sore vaginas etc. then it's more important to communicate. And guess what happens when you actually talk about sex rather than just doing it? It improves! The REAL depth of sexual, intimate connectedness is about what’s going on in your mind.


Fun Fact 3: Women in their 70s and 80s are some of her most active advice-seekers, and they're curious about masturbation, vibrators, and oral sex.  Dr Ruth Westheimer

If you haven't already, now is the time to experiment. Visit us at Passionfruit, check out our our online store and start a wishlist. Start with great lube, then try massage oil, arousal oil, blindfolds, erection rings, vibrators and the Liberator products. Life changing!


"Outercourse is a word that I heard over and over again among people active in the sexuality-and-ageing field. It means “everything but…” It’s lovemaking without penetration, but that involves kissing, nuzzling, hugging, oral sex… everything but. It’s pleasuring each other with sexy talk. Perhaps it’s erotica or sex toys. It’s playful and comes in quite handy as you age." Iris Krasnow

Of course, 'outercourse' comes in handy at any stage of life, for example after childbirth, post prostatectomy, during menopause etc.

7. OUTERCOURSE TECHNIQUES: Yes! Outercourse! Open up the vulva/vagina and squish your bits together. It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is - skin on skin, fingers, dildos, vibrators, sexy talk, oral sex, massage, laughter - THAT'S intimacy and THAT'S HOT!

If you enjoyed this article, you may like to read our other blog related to soft sex here.

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 *Journal of Sex Research