One of the most common lamentations we hear at Passionfruit is "Unfortunately I can't orgasm during PIV sex". Our usual reply is 'welcome to the club'.
Not climaxing when you're having PIV (penis in vagina) sex is actually completely normal. MOST of us - around 75% - don't. (The orgasm gap is about as big as the pay gap but hopefully we'll fix it before the year 3000). So you are not broken, you are not inadequate and you are not 'hard to please'. You can read up on the latest research on the female orgasm here.
"Although approximately 90% of women report orgasm from some form of sexual stimulation, most women do not routinely (and some never) experience orgasm solely from sexual intercourse (Lloyd, 2005). By contrast, nearly 100% of men routinely experience orgasm solely from sexual intercourse." (Female Sexual Arousal: genital Anatomy and Orgasm in Intercourse)
Blame Hollywood, Freud and the patriarchy for making us believe that we're going to have a giant climax when we've been going for it up against the wall for two minutes. It's rubbish. Most vulva owners need lengthy mental and physical stimulation in order to climax and even then, it ain't a lay down misére.
(Fuck Freud)
There is also some research that suggests that whether or not you climax during PIV sex depends a lot on where your clitoris is located in relation to your vaginal canal. Your clitoris can be very close (about 1.6cm away) or as far as 4.5cm away from the vaginal opening. The closer it is, the more stimulation it will get during sex. So anatomy most likely has something to do with it too.
The fact is, the clitoris is the rich playground of nerves that respond well to the right stimulation, and although the internal structure of the clitoris surrounds the vaginal canal, the external tip is where the action is for many of us.
So if you want to be able to climax during penetration, then you'll need some simultaneous clitoral stimulation to help get you there. Fingers help and vibrators work wonders.
5 TOP VIBES TO USE TOGETHER DURING SEX
1. Fun Factory Nös
Wrap the stretchy ring around the penis for ultra ooofff sensations that can turn erections into a marathon event by holding blood in the penis for extended sessions. The little tentacles vibrate over your partner's clitoris or perineum - depending on where you're penetrating :)
2. Bullets
Bullets are just fabulous to use on the clitoris during lovemaking. They're super precise, discreet and don't compromise on power. We love the 3 Je Joue varieties and the TangoX.
3. We-Vibe
It's the best selling toy in the world for good reason. The slender end goes in the vagina and the other end rests over the clitoris. It stays in during sex with both partners feeling the internal vibration and the clitoris getting all the good stuff externally.
4. Pom & TouchX
These are our two best selling palm sized clitoral stimulators. They're not quite as focused as a bullet, having more surface area to distribute the vibration across the entire vulva. They're still super discreet and easy to rest in your palm while you're being penetrated.
5. Hitachi Magic Wands
Wands have a nice long handle so you get more reach and you feel less of the vibration in your hand. They're great if your hands get sore too, either from arthritis for example or disability. Wands generally have more power than other vibes. We love the Hitachi range because they're powerful yet lightweight. If you want something heftier, our pick is the Le Wand Die Cast Series
TOP 3 POSITIONS FOR CLITORAL STIMULATION
1. Cowgirl
Sitting on top of your lover allows for great access to the clitoris. Either you or your lover can use fingers or a vibrator to stimulate and you can lean forward and grind your clitoris on your lover's pubic bone.
2. Doggy
With your lover behind you, access to the clitoris is super easy for both of you.
3. Anal
If you love anal, use your vibe on your 'easy to access' clitoris or even better, a rabbit vibe like the Soraya 2 or We-Vibe Sync for a mind-blowing double penetration experience.
One more thing...LUBE! Silicone for sex and water-based with toys.
Hi Scott,
Yes it’s not only the vulva owners who find it difficult to climax during penetration. You could try using a tenga egg, cup or the flip hole to familiarise yourself the feeling of softness rather than the hardness of your hand. Many of our customers have success with that. You may be experiencing the phenomenon of the ‘death grip’. We all have routines we fall back on to help us climax in the easiest way but we can train ourselves differently. Hope that’s helpful and thanks for reading!!
Thanks Michael. I’ll look that up:)
As a male I have the same issue not being able to climax during penetration Sex, I have to bring myself to climax as vaginal or oral stimulation doesn’t seem to work any ideas? Thank you great site
Freud was aware of the difficulties of orgasm from penetration. One of his patients was actually the woman responsible for the first research on the link between clitoral distance from the vaginal opening. I’ve forgotten her name but you can look her up, she was also Napoleon’s niece so easy to find