When revealing the anal play section of the store to our customers, it’s often met with happy ‘in the know’ eyes and curiosity - or the opposite - incredulity and raised eyebrows.
“BUTT WHY?” they ask. (This is just the first of many puns)
There are many reasons why anal might be appealing.
Are you fantasising about turning the tables on your partner?
Or has your partner hinted at trying something new?
Perhaps you love anal play already and want to take it to the next level?
Whatever your motivation, it’s imperative that you’re both on the same page. After all, you don’t want your partner running for the hills when you whip out Boss Bitch Dildo with an accompanying Cheshire cat grin do you? (Well maybe if that’s your thing ;)
Although anal play may seem unfathomable, shameful and taboo to some, from a scientific perspective, nerve endings = stimulation, which means the anus, anal cavity and prostate are capable of intense sexual satisfaction. When greeted with wonder and acceptance, anal play and sex can be supremely arousing. And for those individuals lucky enough to have a prostate, stimulation of this richly endowed ‘rosebud’ can produce more intense pleasure than intercourse.
But, even without a prostate, anal stimulation has many benefits. A toy, finger or penis (hey, even a fist if you’re up for it) can create a stimulating mix of pressure, fullness and pleasure. Whether or not you have a prostate, the anus and rectum are capable of intense arousal. Anal pleasure may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but an open and relaxed mind will lead to an open body.
5 Ways To Make Anal Sex Pain Free
HOW TO PREPARE FOR ANAL SEX
At Passionfruit, we love talking about anal sex but we’re aware that for many, it has led to a traumatic experience, an emotional upheaval or even physical injury.
Anal sex is a minefield because there is very little reliable education. If even basic sex education is wanting, then anal sex education is non-existent. Anal sex can be much more complex, in part because the rectum is not flexible or self-lubricating and because it requires preparation.
Preparation can be a dirty word for a lot of us because we see it as killing the mood. But if you’ve never done anal before, you need some goddamn, finger-lickin’, ass worshipping prep! Only then can it be incredibly pleasurable and fulfilling.
A lot of folks have experimented and never gone there again, and that’s why it’s so important to enter into any anal sex scenario armed with full consent, a clear mind, strong communication, sex positive education, slooooowness and enthusiasm. You want this experience to elevate your sex life, not ruin it.
You gotta talk about it and you gotta go slow!
Set Your Mind to Ready for Anal Sex
The best way to make anal sex enjoyable is to have a strong desire.
Do you masturbate to thoughts of anal?
Have you watched porn, read erotica and/or fantasised about this sexual delight?
Does it make you feel arousal both in your mind and body?
Is it something that you want to experience for yourself or share with your partner?
Consider your motivations for doing anal and make sure that you feel comfortable and safe in both your mind and body. Keep in mind that it probably won’t be super successful on the first try, but it’s important to try and make it a positive experience for both parties. Don’t worry if things don’t go to plan - you’re already amazing for giving something new a go!!
Our advice? Ignore porn, arm yourself with education (and lube), try it on yourself first and if you’re still curious, invite it into your playtime. And if you want to be the giver, ensure you’re ready to receive it too. Make it slow, soft, filled with warm, sweetness and check in’s and most of all, really really intense pleasure.
Want to dive right in?
Anal sex involves negotiation, consent and communication. What’s on and what’s not should be clear from the outset. Endeavour to make sure you’re both on the same page in relation to how you want the scenario to play out. Perhaps one of you has a dom/sub type of scene in mind with ball gags and floggers whereas the other might be thinking roses and romance. Take every moment as it comes and check in with your partner throughout. Remember, anal sex should never be painful.
Sex communication expert Kate McCombs offers some valuable advice on how to communicate so that you get exactly what you want, need and desire.
No one is born an expert on all things sexual. You might admit that you’re nervous, but that you’re eager to learn. Being a keen learner is super hot. Part of gaining mastery is admitting when there’s a skill set you want to build. While it’s good to expand your partner’s horizons when they’re open to it, it’s also important to respect their boundaries. If anal is a hard limit, you’ve got to respect that and come to terms with anal not being a thing you do in your partnered sex life. Anal toys, like butt plugs, are a fantastic gateway for butt stuff (see The Arsenal). Often people’s resistance to anal play stems from an unfamiliarity with the anal area and shame around poo potential.
When you are including anal on the menu, make sure it’s dessert. Think of anal sex as the last base. Full arousal of the body and mind is the best precursor for any type of anal play. You have to want it.
It can also be helpful to do a little research beforehand, that way you have some knowledge of how things work and you can add your partner’s feedback to the knowledge you’ve already gained.
Still not completely sure? If one of you is a bit resistant, why not invoke the GOOD, GIVING & GAME concept? Or if you’re finding the topic of sex difficult to bring up, check out How to Talk About Sex Strategies. Once you’ve worked out the communication and the particulars, it’s time to go shopping.
But what if there's... MESS?
When we are approached in store about going down, to the town, which is on occasion, brown, the main concern is the mess. The main take-home message here is that 9 times out of 10 you will encounter nothing. Clean as a whistle. The part of the anal passage that is most often used in play is not where your body stores faeces. But sometimes, yes, there may be traces of poop.
Bacteria from the bum shouldn’t be in contact with the vagina or other openings so don’t move from anal sex to other orifices without cleaning up in between. Make sure you put on a new condom if you are going to swap. Even if you don't use barrier methods with your partner, using condoms for anal sex helps make clean up quicker. The same rule applies for fingers and toys.
Some people like to use an enema but frequent use isn’t recommended, as healthy bacteria can be eliminated too. You can have very safe and satisfying anal experiences without using an enema!
You also don’t want to be close to your next bowel motion or going at it immediately after your morning coffee. The best time for anal is shortly after you have dropped timber. Plus, a high-fibre diet equals better bowel movements and health. That is one orgasmic nudge towards the salad section!
Shit happens! Normalise, clean up, and move on.
Help your partner feel normal. After all, everyone poops. It's a gloriously unifying human occurrence. A gentle conversation where you can address any shame or discomfort will help you both return to baseline erotic again. Make sure to have clean-up gear on hand. Latex gloves, and the Liberator Throw are some of the best things for any deliciously messy sex.
If you’re a bit freaked out by poo and concerned about hygiene, we recommend starting with some hot shower sex. On your own or with a partner, sensually clean your bum and if you’re ready and willing, engage in some anal stimulation. Make sure you’ve got some silicone lube and slowly massage the rosebud or bring in your fave waterproof toy (use water-based lube for silicone toys) to really elevate arousal. Once you’re relaxed and aroused you’re ready for analingus, anal penetration, or any other sexy butt fun.
We believe that the right equipment can take most sexual acts from the ordinary to the sublime. Nowhere is this more true than anal sex. If you want to be set up for pleasurable success, we suggest that you have the following equipment on hand.
Unlike the vagina, the area inside and outside the anus has no natural lubrication so the tissue is more fragile and prone to tearing. Just to be absolutely clear, you cannot enjoy safe anal play without lots of lubricant because the butt has no natural lubrication. Use silicone lubricant for the best anal sex of your life or thick, pH-balanced, water-based lube for your silicone toys.
Fingers and Other Body Parts
Fingers, whether they are your own or someone else's, are the best beginner toy. Make sure your hands are clean and that you have short, filed nails. The fingertips are some of the most sensitive parts of your body, so they can help you pay attention and give feedback on the sensations you’re experiencing.
You can still catch STIs during anal penetration so please rubber-up if there is any risk of STI transmission. Our top sneaky tip is to explore the hole-y grail using black latex or nitrile gloves as your first step towards the buried treasure. This gives a smooth and silky experience once covered in lube, the erotic snap of the glove as you put it on adds to the fun, and when you're finished it makes for easy clean-up, just take off and toss (... the glove). If you have long talons, one hack is to cover them in cotton wool and then use beneath a glove so there’s no chance of tearing. Full penetration with a penis or dildo is a Level 10, so start with a Level 3-5 plug to see how you're feeling.
Butt plugs and other toys
So many butt plugs. So many ways to use them. You can wear them by yourself or with a partner.
To use a butt plug, just lube it up, insert at your own pace and leave it in while you do other sex stuff. It can give both partners a chance to explore the pleasure potential of anal play with very little chance of contact with poo. It is also not uncommon for people to wear butt plugs over the course of the day or night, for masturbation and personal pleasure, as part of a power dynamic, to stimulate the prostate, or to train the butt for larger objects.
If you try this, pay attention to your body and remove the plug if you experience any discomfort. The plug must remain lubricated, so you may need to regularly reapply lube. There’s not much research as to how long you can leave something inside you, but some people leave them in for a couple of hours or even days.
Keep in mind that all butt plugs are not created equal. Only choose toys that are non-toxic, non porous, have no seams or edges and have a flared base so they don’t get ‘sucked up’ into the body. Some of the most common materials for butt plugs are silicone (great for beginners and dual penetration sex), glass (great for temperature play), stainless steel (weighted for longer penetration, excellent when paired with silicone lube). Butt plugs also have special features like internal beads, remotes, or fancy decorations (think literal pony tails and sparkling crystals) to enhance your experience and pleasure. There’s even rimming plugs that mimic the feel of analingus!
Let’s say it again - Flared. Based. Toys. Only!
Otherwise, there is the possibility that the toy will be sucked up into the rectum and ER is your only option. And always always always use lube - water-based silicone based for silicone toys and, if you prefer, for others.
Additional toys for other parts of the body can be used to keep arousal high. You can also use your hands or whatever you usually like to pleasure your genitals or other sexy spots simultaneously.
Awakening The Rosebud
The rosebud (or starfish) refers to the outer, puckered opening on the outside of the anal passage. Apply lots of lube to your fingers and your or your partner's rosebud. This is best begun when the receiver is already highly aroused and ready for action Gently glide the fingers over the opening of the rosebud. Small, circular, massaging motions will activate and ignite the nerve endings.
This is for the person receiving any kind of anal penetration: when you’re really feeling it and ready to accept a finger, toy or penis into your anal passage, gently push out or bear down. Pushing the penetration away with your sphincter may feel counter-intuitive, but the anal muscle will not open unless you do this. Once you’ve opened the door and anal penetration has occurred, slow movements are essential from the giver. In fact, it’s great to just partly penetrate and not move. Keep checking in with your partner. There’s no need to rush.
When using a plug, the muscle's inside the anal passageway will wrap tightly around the narrowest part (the stem) to hold it in place. A well-designed plug will have a wide bulb and a narrow neck. We recommend a more narrow neck for first-timers. Sex with a butt plug can make the experience overwhelmingly full and intensify your orgasm.
Analingus and Rimming
Analingus and rimming involve using the tongue and lips to lick, suck and/or kiss the anus and anal passage for sexual satisfaction. It can be immensely pleasurable for the receiver. The important thing is to approach the act with enthusiasm and focus on the pleasure that you are giving. If the idea of performing oral in the anal area makes you squeamish, but you still want to give it a go, try keeping wipes on hand to clean the area, or you can use gloves, a condom, dental dams or latex undies as a barrier. These barrier methods are also a great way to protect against STDs across all types of anal play.
Imagine the beginning of an orgasm, but lasting for 20 minutes. Pretty fun, huh?
The prostate is a small gland located 5-7 cm inside the rectum. Its general purpose is to produce semen and help control the transportation of sperm out of the testes and penis as ejaculate. The prostate is often referred to as the male G-Spot, or the P-spot, because it is capable of producing intense waves of multiple orgasms.
To explore the prostate we recommend getting started by putting a towel (or Liberator Throw) down and positioning yourself comfortably on your back with your legs apart. The easiest way to say hello to the prostate for the first time is with a gloved hand (we love black, nitrile gloves), a lot of lube and slow stroking motions around the outside of the anus and a little inside if the receiver is comfortable. Make sure to talk through how it feels if you're doing this with a partner.
When you’re ready to go a bit further, with glove on and lots of lube, ease a finger inside the anal passage. Rock back and forth around the prostate using a come-hither stroking motion rather than thrusting - stroke it, don’t poke it! Talk through how it feels. The prostate will feel like a little nub about the size of a walnut, but when it becomes engorged through arousal, it will feel more like a kidney bean.
For an even more intense experience, you can progress to toys that are specially designed for prostate play. Make sure the toy is clean (you can also use a condom) and use plenty of water-based lube. Vibration increases blood flow and sensation, which can result in a stronger orgasm. However you might not enjoy the feeling of vibration, everyone is different, so start slow on a low speed.
Keep in mind that sometimes the massaging of the prostate is so intensely pleasurable that the penis may not maintain an erection, but prostatic fluid may emerge from the urethra allowing ejaculation and orgasm without an erection.
Pro Tip: Double the pleasure by simultaneously stimulating the penis (think blow job, hand job or sex toy) AND the prostate at the same time!
Want more information?
There's some more diagrams of prostate location and positions to help find it at Oh Joy Sex Toy
The anal passage offers a universal opportunity for penetration regardless of your genital configuration. Pegging is the act of anal penetration using a toy, which may or may not be strapped into a harness. While traditionally it has been referred to as a sexual act involving a cis woman wearing a strap-on-dildo and penetrating a male partner, pegging is definitely an inclusive activity. Before fulfilling any pegging fantasises, first acknowledge that it is advanced anal sex. Don’t skip any steps or communication.
5 Reasons to Try Pegging
Preparation: As always, start from a place of consent, communication and negotiation. You will also need a harness, dildo, loads of lube, towels or throw, tissues, maybe the Liberator Wedge and a whole lotta anticipation. Shopping for the perfect strap-on-harness and dildo is HOT, but it’s important to do your research. You may also consider giving yourself some love and adding a toy to stimulate other body parts. We recommend vibrators, cock rings, nipple clamps and/or spreader bars. The possibilities are endless...Keep your heart light and your mind open. This is going to be fun!
For the peggee (or bottom): Understand your limits and don’t leave everything to your partner. We recommend starting at the beginning with a finger or butt plug. Let your body get used to giving or receiving anal when you’re masturbating and having sex. Then you can learn and practice anal thrusting with a dildo. Once you reach a level of comfort and mastery, you may be ready to attempt pegging. Be involved in selecting an appropriate harness and dildo. Help your partner find positions that work. You could even try positions that you’re both comfortable with before you even try pegging, such as aligning your hips and grinding. It is also important to understand that there’s not much physical sensation going on for the pegger. Stay present.
For the pegger (or top): Practice wearing the harness and dildo A LOT before the big day. That means putting it on as many times as necessary so that you can whip it on with your eyes closed. Wear it around the house, dance, BE a person with a dick! Get into it baby. Because there’s nothing worse than your partner having to wait half a day until you’re buckled in. Ho hum… Keep in mind that the harness should be worn low on the hips so that the dildo is sitting where a penis would - not over your belly button! The dildo should ideally swing between your legs or a tad higher. Make sure that the dildo isn’t too soft, so that you can direct it with confidence. If you’re feeling slightly silly in your get-up, blindfold your partner to give yourself more confidence. You will have a distinct lack of physical pleasure, so make sure to keep checking that your partner is into it. Pro tip: Have the dildo already in the harness before you put it on.
Now for the money shot: You’re harnessed up, you’ve slathered lube on the dildo and your lover's butt hole. You're both horny from all the anticipation and foreplay. You’re in position. So now what? Hold the dildo in your hand so you can direct it to where it needs to go. Insert slowly and not all the way at first. Your partner could help direct with their hand. Once the tip of the dildo is inside, slide it in slowly. If you can get it all the way in, try grinding for a bit rather than thrusting. Keep in mind that you will need to pull out more slowly than you push in so back off slooooowly and try not to pull out completely because it ain't easy going back in again.
Positioning is very important when it comes to anal, but what works is often a matter of personal preference. Doggy is a great position because you can see what you’re doing. Having your lover lean over the bed might give you more leverage too. Using a wedge or cushions can also help you elevate the arse high up in the air for ease of access. Kneeling on either side of your partner’s body can be nice and comfy. For a modified cowgirl position, lie on your back with the harness tightly in place and your legs straight. Your partner sits on top and can control the thrusting. This is perfect when you’re wearing a strapless harness as you don’t have to move around too much and worry about it falling out. It’s also great if you don’t have much strength in the thighs. Speaking of thighs…. Many harnesses can be converted from a waist harness to a thigh harness. Strap it to your leg and have your lover fill themselves with your delicious dildo. This is great because it leaves your own genitals free to be accessed by your fingers or a toy.
There may be a little mess after your session. Certainly, there will be toys and towels that'll need to be cleaned up. You might like a shower and the receiver might need to sit on the toilet to release some air!
When anal's good it's really really good and when it's bad it's terrible. But either way, once it’s done, make sure to cuddle and have a talk and laugh about how it all went - what was great, what didn’t quite work and how to make it even better!
Be kind to yourself and your partner and remember that good sex takes time, practice, patience and a good sense of humour!