Dear Michelle,

Is it ok to have a sexual fantasy? Mr B 

Hey Mr B! Of course it’s OK to have a sexual fantasy. I’d be surprised if you didn’t! Sexual fantasies are totally common, normal and healthy and best of all, great catalysts to amazing sex.

Reading between the lines though, I get the feeling that maybe you’re uncomfortable with the subject of your fantasy? Perhaps you think it’s ‘bad’ or ‘devious’. Or maybe the fantasy is disturbing to you or born from a traumatic event. If your fantasy is all consuming or is negatively impacting your life, it’s a good idea to seek some sexual counselling. 

Chances are though Mr B, your fantasies are not ‘deviant’ or ‘bad’. Maybe they just feel taboo (a great driver of sexual excitement). Surprisingly, a recent study found that few fantasies were statistically ‘rare’ so unless your fantasies are pathological and might lead to you committing an offense, then hey! You’re OK!

Each to their own!

Fantasies are not actions, they’re just thoughts and we shouldn’t feel bad about our thoughts. In fact, evidence suggests that those of us that indulge in sexual fantasies have higher self esteem and experience less anxiety. But what if we want to act out our fantasies? What then?

If you want to incorporate your fantasy into reality Mr B, you can do it in a healthy way by talking about it with your partner and establishing consent and boundaries.

READ: Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Maybe it’s a threesome you’ve been dreaming of? If you’re on the same page then go for it! If not, you may have to compromise... Lois, meet Big Boss (dildo). Big Boss, let me introduce Mrs B. Or you may have to accept that it may never happen with this particular partner. You can’t have everything, hey!

Yikes! I guess you won't be meeting Big Boss tonight Lois.

On the other hand, it’s totally normal to have fantasies that stay just that..fantasies! 

Group sex in a department store lift for example sounds delicious to me but I wouldn’t actually do it! Our imaginations are vivid and rich and are a wonderful tool to help make sex, masturbation and foreplay more pleasurable. They also help us to understand our own ‘erotic blueprint’ enabling us to feel more deeply fulfilled sexually. Guilt and shame on the other hand, inhibit our sexuality and have no place in our gardens of sensual fantasy.

If you'd like some more fantasy blogs, go to My Top 4 Tips to Help You Find Your Fantasy and Fantasy & The Sexual Psyche

Much love and good vibes,



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