Sex and ADHD: Sensuality and dopamine seeking in adults with ADHD.

As a sex educator with ADHD, who studies, talks about, and entertains a robust private sex life, I experience the plethora of obstacles that ADHD can create in your sex life, as well as the trials of figuring out how to overcome them; ultimately to better understand and interact with my sexual self. And I’m not alone. So how might our neurodivergence affect and impact our sensual selves, and how many of us are aware of its influence on our intimate partnerships and interactions?

As most people with ADHD experience issues with concentration in many facets of life, it makes sense that it expands to our sexual lives as well. There’s an array of potential scenarios, you may go through phases of experiencing them all or perhaps just the one, consistently. As ADHD is considered a dopamine deficiency, many people with ADHD will actively (not necessarily consciously) seek hits of dopamine. It makes us more susceptible to smoking cigarettes or experiencing problems with substance abuse – unfortunately, including sex. 

As sex releases dopamine in the brain, it can be some people’s choice for dopamine chasing. This behaviour can sometimes be considered hypersexuality, often intertwined with the lack of impulse control linked to ADHD. Hyposexuality, or a lack of interest in sex, can also be a common experience for those with ADHD. But often, most people will find that they alternate between the two, whether that be during the act itself, or in long phases. 

Often when hypersexuality is experienced as a response to dopamine seeking, once the dopamine hit is acquired, individuals can switch straight over to hyposexuality, feeling no longer interested in the act and/or completely disconnected from it. As someone with ADHD, it can be difficult to understand our relationship with sex and the ways in which it can seem to jump around. Feeling disconnected or distracted by sex can often be felt as its own experience, or accompanied by hypersexuality and hyposexuality. While it can be a struggle to accept the differences of our brain to others, and there is no ‘cure’, we can adapt and develop techniques to lessen the burden we feel.

Most people with ADHD report experiencing difficulty concentrating during intimacy, or at least having trouble staying connected for the entire duration of the act. In the realm of sex and intimacy education, we can refer to many resources that take learnings from different cultures and historic practices. One that I have found helpful is tantric sex. While I am not going to tell you to start having tantric sex, there’s some wisdom to be learned from tantric sex teachers.

A practice that I’ve found very helpful is to really engage all your focus, concentration and senses on your genitals. This shift forces your brain to refocus, not on a thought, but on the actual sensation that is happening in the moment. 

• What is the sensation? 
• Can you name the sensation? 
• Does this sensation have a texture? 
• How does it feel – is it warm, hot or cool?

You can think of it as meditating into the experience of sex, because it encourages us to be only in the present moment. Not thinking about an end goal or about when it will be over. Rather, just bringing yourself back into the experience and towards the sensations it is offering you. 

Many people with ADHD report difficulty in achieving orgasm, often shutting down right before climax. This can be due to a multitude of reasons, whether they just lose focus, or the pressure of feeling the need to climax distracts them from actually reaching it. Either with a partner, or solo, consider exploring things you think may help you reengage. Some sex therapists and researchers find that actively moaning keeps lovers more in the moment and engaged in their physical body. Other research has found that having a lot of stimuli, or focal points during intimacy can help.

• If you desire an array of stimuli, sometimes watching pornography, or engaging in role play can help your mind be more locked into the task at hand.
• Some may find it helpful to make eye contact during sex, especially if you find you easily get distracted when your eyes wander.
• If you feel that the pressure of orgasming really distracts you, it can be good to have a conversation with your sexual partner/s and ask them to not focus on your orgasm as you find it stressful or overwhelming.
• You might even find that closing your eyes works best so there is nothing you can see that will distract you from the physical sensations in your body.
• Take breaks. This allows you to not hyperfocus on getting to the end, once you find yourself losing concentration or interest in it. This will take you completely out of the experience but may also allow for negative feelings and emotions to come in. So communicate with your partner, ask if you can take a small break to get yourself back into a space where you can reconnect with the experience. Sometimes just a little break where you have a little chat or laugh or cuddle with your partner helps to get you back into it, feeling reinvigorated.
• Others may also find, outside of being a turn on, talking during sex, you may find that it helps you be more present and engaged in the moment. So talk to your partner, try out some different things to see if they help you feel more connected in your sexual experiences.

While these techniques can be helpful, they aren’t all going to work for everyone, all of the time. You might need to try a few things and, through trial and error, find what works best for you. Remember, your pleasure is not a burden and that asking to implement things into your sex life to help you feel more engaged and in control is essential to a fulfilling sex life. 

Personally, I’ve been experiencing hypersexuality by means of dopamine seeking. This only became apparent to me when I got into a long-term relationship where the plateau of sexual activity, common a few months into most relationships, sent me spiralling. At that point, I had not been diagnosed with ADHD. But, it was notable that whenever I was feeling a bit down or bored, my mind went straight to sex. I knew it’d be fun and that it would make me feel better. However, it meant that I was constantly enquiring about sex and using it as a relief, not as a bonding experience for me and my partner. It killed the romance of initiating sex, and my partner’s opportunity to initiate it. It also meant that I always felt perpetually frustrated and rejected. On top of this, the dopamine-hit of it all meant that it was not at all uncommon for me to become disinterested and unfocused just as the sex was starting. Because now that I got my hit, I found I really wasn’t that interested in it after all. Distracted by my own needs and desires, I became less considerate of the needs of my partner and their enjoyment and connection to it.

When I got diagnosed with ADHD, I started to look into its interaction with sex and also spoke with my therapist about it. I found even the act of talking about it with someone, of admitting this thing that felt so bad and wrong of me, made me feel a little lighter. When you are geared to easily feel broken and annoying for possessing a brain that works quite differently, paired with living in a society that doesn’t teach us or encourage us to talk about sex, it’s easy to let these things boil up inside you.

What you can start to do, just slowly, and day by day, is to start trying to understand your relationship with sex. It can obviously feel daunting at first to take a look further into things that perhaps make you feel a bit uncomfortable. I would encourage leaning into the uncomfortable things because they’re usually trying to tell you something. Once we start to understand on a deeper level our desires and interactions around sex and seeking sexual fulfilment, we can start to work on lessening any negative experiences that come with them. 

What I found helpful in trying to override the hypersexual moments of my brain was almost looking at it like an addiction, and experiencing cravings similar to that of say nicotine. So rather than focusing on the craving and thoughts like, I just need to get fucked RIGHT NOW!, remind yourself that like any craving, they come in waves and it will pass soon. Also, having a look to see if this urge is coming from a libidinal place or trying to fulfil another need perhaps not actually linked to your libido. What you may find is that rather than getting messages from your groin, you’re actually getting messages from the part of your brain seeking dopamine; the one that knows from past experiences that sex works to respond to that message.

As I leave you here now with a multitude of recommendations. I feel it is important to disclaim that I am not a medical professional or qualified sex therapist. If you feel that your ADHD is really negatively affecting your sex life to the point that it’s causing issues in your relationships and elsewhere, it’s best to talk to a professional one-on-one. 

This professional may be a sex therapist or therapist just for you, or a couples counsellor that can help you and your partner(s) get on the same page.